Mom to a 14 year old

[Carla MCG]

My daughter is now 14 and has been with her 15 year old boyfriend for a year now. Since she was little we've been able to talk about everything and weve had ongoing sex talks and she tells me everything. Both her and her boyfriend are technically still virgins although they do mutual masturbation. She tells me that now they are both wanting and feel ready to have intercourse and I'm proud of her for talking to me about it first. I am considering leaving them alone in the house for the afternoon so that their first time can be special. My sister thinks this would be a big mistake so I'm torn. She is on bc for periods. Any advice would really be appreciated.

[Heather]

Really, this is one of those things that's going to be up to you as a parent based on what you know about your child. And if you're the kind of parent whose child has been this candid and open with you about her sexual life, I'd encourage you to be confident in your own skills and abilities as a parent. That's rarely something that happens when people are mucking parenting up, and more often something that only happens when parents have done and are doing really well in this arena. (And here you are somewhere else, seeking another opinion, because you're clearly a thoughtful, caring parent in this regard.)

But I can add a few things: for one, in other countries, it's not considered a norm to refuse young people privacy and autonomy, whether that's about sex or anything else. And we know all too well from what we do here -- as well as from just having been alive, and having been adolescents ourselves -- that whether or not young people are given time alone at home rarely has any impact on whether or not they engage in sex. Not having a private, safe place at home usually either means engaging in sex in semi-public places or just finding three minutes at home when parents aren't around.

Rather, NOT giving them privacy seems to be something that contributes to sexual activities being rushed, for one, which can result in safer sex practices (not just contraception, but condom and other barrier use that prevents STIs) being skipped or gone about hastily. Rushing also often results in important sexual communication being skipped or shortchanged. It often results in panic and anxiety during sexual activity. It shortcuts what can come before and after sexual activity, especially intimacy that comes from things like lots of talking first, cuddling and talking after, etc.

I would put in there that in the states, people can get REALLY weird (and sometimes downright hostile) about parents doing what you're thinking about, even with all of the above in play, especially if it's intentional, as it would be in your case. I don't know if you have a relationship with her boyfriend's family, but to spare you and your daughter drama or conflict which could follow this choice if it's discovered by his family, one thing I would suggest is you consider having a chat with his parents about this as well, if that feels at all right or doable to you. The last thing you or your daughter need, especially since she is coming to intercourse considerably earlier than most of her peers will be (should she engage in intercourse) is for her to have a lovely experience that gets soured by drama around this.

Lastly? I wonder if you have talked with her about this. This is about her life, too, and you sound like a parent who does a good job giving your daughter agency and a say, so it might be worthwhile for you to talk together about this option and decision. That also gives you some more time to talk and be sure she's set for some of this, like, for instance, practicing safer sex on top of using her birth control pill.

I'm happy to talk more with you about this if you like, and again, I commend you on being such a thoughtful parent in this regard!

[Carla MCG]

Heather thank you for your kind comments. To follow up, yes I have discussed this with his mom and she's accepting of their decision however she's a mom that would prefer not to know it's happening or have it in her house which I understand. And I have had lengthy conversations with my daughter and also her boyfriend about taking this next step at their age and they have convinced me that they have waited this long to make sure it's the right decision, so I give them credit for showing maturity and not being a hormonal driven spur of the moment act. Shes showing a lot more maturity at 14 than I did. They originally asked me if he could spend the night for their first time and I told them that at this point I don't think they're ready for that step but an afternoon alone would give them the privacy they need. Obviously I'd prefer she was 16 or older but I think they've been together long enough now that I can accept it.

[Heather]

It really sounds to me like you have done all you can here, and are really doing as best as any parent can when it comes to finding a balance between what you want and feel comfortable with and what your daughter does.

I think after this -- and if you want some emotional support around your sister's opinions, happy to give that -- the best you can do is just keep doing what you already are, being there for your daughter, listening to her, keeping her in mind as the unique person she is.

[Carla MCG]

I did give them their afternoon together on Sunday and I think it went really well considering it being their first time. I think they still have a lot to learn as they go down this road with their sexuality but she's not afraid to ask questions and she knows I will answer anything openly and honestly. Dealing with my judgmental sister is another issue which I'm not looking forward to but I will have to deal with that soon.

[Heather]

Know we're glad to give you whatever support with that we can.