Need Help with Therapist Issue (TW: abuse, abandonment)

[Peonies]

Hello everyone!

I need some pointers in finding a new therapist. To make a long story short, I saw a therapist for about a year over an abusive ex.

Then, the therapist absolutely manipulated me and then later tried to have an inappropriate relationship with me after I had quit going.

Now my relationship which I have been in for the past 4 years ended suddenly without warning. My partner left without a word. Now I am entering into severe depression and I know that I need to take hold of my life and get help. The problem is, I now do not trust therapists yet I know that I need professional help or I will get worse.

I am not even sure where a good place to begin looking us.

[Mo]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that your therapist chose to commit such a breach of ethics. Whether you were currently their patient or not it is in no way appropriate to pursue a relationship with you. If you are at all inclined to do so, you could report this to your state licensing board or another professional organization; if you'd like any help in figuring out who to contact we can certainly do that.

Do you have a doctor that you see regularly and trust at all? It might feel better to ask for a recommendation from another professional you have a good relationship with; if you feel comfortable you could explain, when you ask for a recommendation, that you've recently had a therapist treat you poorly and overstep professional boundaries.

I do think it's a good idea to be proactive and seek out help now that you've realized you're in a bad spot; I also know how hard it can be to do so even in the best of circumstances. I hope you can find someone who can be of help and who's good at establishing trust.

[Peonies]

Thanks for the reply!

It has been reported, it happened a few years ago but I am still very scarred over the whole ordeal. I do have a doctor that I trust to ask, is it OK to just call with that type of question? I am not due for an appointment for a long time.

Thanks again!

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Peonies.

It is absolutely understandable that you are still eerie about this but just want to say how amazing it is that you are open to try again. It show's a lot of awesome-ness from you.

If you have someone and trust them it is okay to ask for help about this. If they are not the right person they can always redirect you to someone. Is this something that sounds good for you?

[Mo]

It's possible that your doctor would want to see you in person before making a referral, but it could be that they'd just give you a name or a few potential names; either way I think giving their office a call is a good first step.

[Redskies]

Just wanted to throw a few thoughts in about how to deal with the therapist issue. Things that might help, depending on you personally:

- printing off a reliable list - perhaps from the relevant licencing board for where you are, or perhaps from somewhere that has good-quality specialist knowledge about therapy - of what things you can expect from a therapist who is doing their job and being ethical, and what they should not do, that you can use as a kind of baseline anchor for knowing what is and is not okay. i reckon you probably have a very good handle on what's okay and isn't after reporting an experience like that, but some people would find it helpful to have a thing like that physically in front of them.

- some therapists will do a short introduction over the phone to see if it's likely helpful for you to work with them. This is very much for you to decide whether this seems like someone who might be able to provide the help you need, and whether it's someone you might want to talk to. Certainly the first session, too, is a time when you get to find out how this person seems to you and if they're someone you want to consider seeing again. if they're not, that's okay. There's no need to decide there and then whether this is someone you trust or not - it's way early for that - just whether this is someone you might want to talk with in the future.

- know that you can honour your feelings and your instincts. After being manipulated by someone we trust, this can be pretty scary or tough to do. For any therapist - even if they were recommended by someone - you get to decide if you want to talk with them further or not. You're the authority on you and what feels right to you. If you don't feel good about a particular therapist- that's okay, that's your right, and it most likely means they're not the right fit for you. If you feel broadly positive about a therapist, that means it seems okay so far, and you can do with that whatever seems best to you, at whatever speed you choose.

- you can take your time. Trust is earned, and that therapist really blew it. If you need to take some time to build up trust with someone, using some lower-stakes topics, you absolutely get to do that. A decent therapist will be fine with whatever pace seems right to you.

- you might consider telling a new therapist about the old unethical one. A decent therapist would want to know something like that, if you felt able to share, so that they could do what they can to negotiate around it and support you. A decent therapist will understand what a giant betrayal of trust and responsibilty that was, and will grasp what kind of effect it can have.

- if you know of any things that would make therapy seem more accessible to you, or make you feel safer, you might consider sharing those with a new therapist when you feel ready to. That would help them be able to work with you in a way you can manage, and you can also learn things about them and a little about whether you want to trust them from their reaction to something like that.

I'm so sorry that this sudden break-up has triggered this for you. I had a very long-term serious-relationship person end things fairly abruptly in a supremely hurtful way just one year younger than you are now, and it was truly awful. I feel you Hang in there.

Obviously we're not mental health people, but if you'd like to talk about anything to do with the relationship or break-up at any point or you'd just like some support or a metaphorical shoulder to cry on, we're absolutely here for you for that.