I really don't want to be bisexual

[po]

Helloo,
I'm an 18 year old female, and to get straight to the point, I've have a boyfriend of a year and a half, and when i say we are great, i honestly mean it, hes wonderful and i can't see my life without him and i REally really don't want to.

Ok so it may sound kind of weird, but when i was younger, about 9 - 11 years old, me and some of my girl friends at the the time would sometimes kiss and cuddle. Ever since then I've known that i'm attracted to girls. However i never ever found myself fancying a girl, i just always found them 'sexually' attractive. I've always fancied/ loved boys and never girls, and i never questioned it at all. I'm not someone who's scared of what people think, i've admitted to all my friends, new friends, and parents that i like girls too, and i really don't believe they would care if i was with a girl, as long as i was happy.

recently i've found myself in a few problems with it.
So the first is that i love my boyfriend to death, and even though i fantasize about being with a girl, it feels so wrong. I wouldn't want to take a break, because its compltely crazy to leave someone i'm in love with, just to have sex with a women aha
Another thing is i've found that when a girl flirts with me if i'm out, i get really uncomfortable and i really don't like it, which i don't understand.

So my main issue is that I've started fantasizing about my friends, i'm going to say they're straight because that's what they've said. Its really frustrating to just want something somewhere deep down, but then also really don't want it at the exact same time. I've told my boyfriend all this too. Then he tells me, that if i ever get into a situation where I can kiss a girl, that he really wouldn't mind. So it happened, me and my friend kissed when we were drunk, she seemed really cool with it, and nothing was weird the next day, we chatted about it etc. Since that night now, i automatically lost interest in her. But now I fancy my flat mate fgs

I considered a threesome, but i know that threesomes with a couple and third wheel just looks like the worst idea because, i know i'll most likely get jealous, but then who am i to be jealous when i want to sleep with a women? its so frustrating and this specific problem is one i've breifly mentioned to people but never fully explained, i just hate it so much, i avoid even talking about it, i just don't want to be BI and if there was anything i could do to just turn it off, oh god i would. But thats also wrong, i can't deny who I am, butnwfjwnf.. i dont even know, help what do you think:(

sorry for the long post, i'm just hopeless
from Po

[Mo]

Hi there po, welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm sorry you're feeling so much distress right now. I do want to start off by saying there really is nothing wrong with being bisexual.
Fantasizing about people other than your partner, or finding other people attractive, isn't wrong - and that's true no matter what your orientation is. Do you have a sense of what feels wrong about it to you? Is it that you're fantasizing about anyone at all, or does it feel different to think about women than you think it would to fantasize about other men?

While people certainly can have threesomes that are healthy and enjoyable for everyone involved, they can be complicated situations and I think they're more likely to go well when there's been a lot of honest communication between all partners going into them. If you do a search for "threesome" on our main site you'll see a good number of articles & advice columns we've written about them in the past that might be helpful.

It sounds like you feel torn between something like having a threesome you aren't sure you'd entirely enjoy or kissing a friend when drinking, and ignoring your bisexuality altogether. I think there may be a third option here, though; do you feel like it might help to take off any pressure to act on your attraction right now, and just experience the feelings you have for other people?

[po]

Hello,

Thankyou so much for this, it opened my eyes a lot, I was watching some videos on YouTube also and I figured it could be a mix of not wanting to except myself and feeling guilty of liking anyone but my boyfriend.

Being bisexual itself doesn't feel wrong, its just confusing. It's confusing to love someone so much but also lust for someone else. It feels sort of like cheating and that itself makes me feel sad and guilty.

I think as I said before the reason why I would never want to act on it, is because the relationship I have is far more important to me, than a love affair with a women I may have if I take a break just to experience something.

When it comes down to threesomes, I agree that they can be okay if there is communication as you said.
though, I would basically have to have it with a women who I am close because that's what I would be most comfortable with myself (aka my close friends ahh) and also so that I can trust them with my boyfriend. But I mean there's practically no one that fits into that catagory (maybe later in life there will be who knows).

I guess I feel like if I'm supposed to be with a women, i will one day, but I'm happy with who I am now and I shouldn't make impulse decisions based on lust?

Thankyou again your reply helped a lot

From Po

[Heather]

You know, people who are heterosexual or homosexual usually ALSO feel attraction for more than one person, or love for one person and lust for another. That's not really about bisexuality, nor is it exclusive to bisexuality. That's about the fact that it is extraordinarily uncommon for people to only find one person in the whole wide world attractive or appealing at any given time.

Too, bear in mind that there are people of all orientations who are in exclusive, monogamous relationships AND people of all orientations who are in polyamorous or open relationships. That, too, isn't about bisexuality or exclusive to bisexuality. So, sounds like you might also just want to think about what kind of relationships you want in that regard.

Threesomes are a tricky thing, especially when you bear in mind that it's often difficult to find another person who a) BOTH you and a partner are attracted to, and who is also attracted to both of you, b) wants to be sexual with both of you, and vice-versa, and c) where everyone is comfortable with each other doing that in the first place. That wouldn't just be about your feelings after all, or your boyfriend's: there would be this whole other person in the mix who is going to have their own wants and needs, too.