Plastic Surgery

[kbot321]

I am the most worthless human alive. No one likes me. I've never been in a relationship. I barely have any friends. I'm hoping that changing the way I look will change that. I'll be 18 in 5 days. I am pretty fat, way fatter than I want to be, but when I move out i'll be able to fast without my parents forcing me to eat so it'll be okay. That'll take care of the fat part of it. My boobs, even though I'm fat, are 36Bs, which means they're small, and I can't get any cleavage. I think this is drastically impacting my love life because I don't even have boobs to attract someone. And people say that they grow when you're pregnant but you have to have a partner to be pregnant, and that's not going to happen for me until I get boobs. So I would get boob implants, 36D or DD, and I feel like people would finally be attracted to me. For my vagina, I've seen some porn, and it's enough to notice that my vagina doesn't look the same as the ones that many guys get off to. My clitoris and labia are small, smaller than those in porn, and I can't help to feel more inadequate about my appearance, and especially inadequate sexually. So I'm hoping I can get plastic surgery on my vagina to make my clit and labia look more like porn.

I just don't know what to do. It's tearing me up inside.

[Karyn]

Hi kbot231, and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down on your body and yourself in general.

There are a couple of misconceptions in your post that I'd like to address, but before I do, can I ask if you've ever thought about talking to a counsellor or therapist about your feelings towards your body?

[kbot321]

No. I've never talked to a therapist about this stuff and I won't until I lose weight, because then I'll deserve it.

[Karyn]

Weight doesn't make you - or anyone else - any more or less deserving of help when you need it. Everyone who is struggling deserves whatever kind of help and support they feel they need, and the belief that only losing weight will make you someone who deserves help is exactly the kind of thing a therapist can work with you to counteract.

That said, what kind of support would you like from us here at Scarleteen? What can we do to help you?

[kbot321]

Advice? I don't know. Something.

[Karyn]

Honestly, the best suggestion I have is that you seek out mental healthcare as soon as you can: it's pretty clear you're struggling with some really difficult feelings, and a therapist is going to be the best person to help you work through those and get to a place where you can feel better about yourself.

However, we also have a few pieces on body image on the main site that might be a useful place to start in adjusting your thinking about all of this.
Life Lessons from the Third Stall on the Left
Seven Ways to Love Your Body
The Scarleteen Do-It

If it helps to hear at all, please know that people of all shapes and sizes, people whose genitals all vary - as genitals do - have satisfying and fulfilling romantic and sexual lives. Sexuality is so incredibly diverse, and there is no one right way that someone needs to look to find a partner, I promise. Different people find different things attractive, and so while you may not have met someone yet who finds you attractive, that doesn't mean at all that it won't happen.

[kbot321]

I'm pretty sure I'm never going to find someone that finds me attractive. At least before my life ends. I'm even trying to pick a college based on where I think I'd be able to find someone that would find me attractive. It's so sad.

[Karyn]

I'm sorry to hear that. Choosing a college should ideally be about what you want to do with your future and where you feel would be the best fit with your goals.

I notice that in your profile, under "awesomeness quotient", you've put "nothing" - is there absolutely nothing you like about yourself, or even anything you think is not so bad? (Going beyond what you look like...skills, talents, interests, hobbies?)

[kbot321]

Nope. I am completely worthless. I'm very boring. I like to sing but I'm not that great at it. I read a lot. I like to make short films but I've pretty much given up on it because I can't ever find actors. Other than that, I just do what people want and what I feel like they'll like me to do. I have no characteristics of my own-I am whatever people want me to be.

[Karyn]

Feeling worthless all the time, and like you don't have any characteristics of your own, doesn't sound like a very enjoyable way to live. And, like I said, I really think seeking out a therapist is the best thing you can do for yourself: what do you think you would need to make that happen?

[kbot321]

To make me see a therapist? Lose weight, move out. Lose weight. Have a reason to go. Lose Weight. Get some plastic surgery.

[Redskies]

I'm hearing that you don't believe you deserve any help - or perhaps, that you don't deserve to feel any better than you do - while your body is the way it is at the moment.

We know from pretty extensive study on self-esteem and appearance that when someone's feeling bad or very unhappy about their whole self, significant weight loss and/or plastic surgery don't lead to them feeling any better. Even after those processes, even if it makes the physical changes that the person wanted, they don't feel better about themselves or value themselves any more than they did before. If you were to consult with any ethical plastic surgeon, they would also tell you that, and they'd be required to tell you that. Things like weight loss and plastic surgery won't change the way you're thinking and feeling, because they just don't have the power to do that.

I realise that might not be what you wanted to hear at the moment. When we're feeling so very bad about ourselves, it can be easier to think that we'd feel better if we could just change a thing about our body: because, as very much as that hurts to think and feel, it's often even harder and more painful to face what's going on in our head.

Further up-thread, you said you didn't know what to do, and you asked for advice. So: in what you've said so far, I'm hearing a big need for some real support and assistance around the way you feel about yourself. You feeling like you don't deserve that help or can't have that help until you've already changed something about yourself says to me that you need and deserve that help more, not less. No-one - so much including you - is ever undeserving of help because of the way our body is.

Would you like to talk with us about self-esteem, and about what things might help you improve yours?

[kbot321]

Uh sure

[Karyn]

(I'm just going to throw some thoughts out there - you may find them helpful, you may not, and if they're not something that feels useful, please let me know: different things work for different folks, so there's a bit of trial and error that can happen when trying to develop some strategies that will be of use to you.)

When you have a look at what you've written here about yourself, imagine if it was someone you cared about saying the same things about their body, their worth: what would you say to them? Would you agree with their assessment of their value as a person?

I'm also wondering if it could be a starting point for you to find one thing that you don't really dislike about your body or yourself as a person. Not something you like or love or think is awesome, just something that you are sort of okay with as it is, something you don't think really needs to be changed. Is there anything you can think of that fits the bill?

[kbot321]

Well, if it was a friend/someone I cared about I would tell them that they're worth everything to me, and that they are beautiful and wonderful and deserve way more than what life has given them. I would tell them that I love them and that I'll always be there for them and I care about them more than anything in the world. I would tell them that they are full of worth and life and that they deserve to live it and they deserve all the love in the world.

My height is alright. Like...I would be fine not being taller.

[Karyn]

Okay, so: what is it that makes you any less deserving of good things, less of value, than the person that you would tell all of that to?

[kbot321]

I'm fat and no one likes me and I know that they don't like me.

[Sam W]

Hi Kbot,

I hope you don't mind my stepping in, but I want to ask: do you have a sense of what you're looking for from us in terms of help? Because it sounds like there are a few different directions this could go, and I want to be sure that we're on the same page (and that what you're looking for is something we can offer).

[kbot321]

I definitely don't mind you stepping in, and I don't really know what I'm looking for. I think, at first, I was looking for advice. Now I don't know.

[Karyn]

It's totally fine not to know what exactly you want, but unfortunately that puts us at a bit of an impasse: without knowing what it is that you're looking for, it's tough for us to provide that! Would you feel okay taking a bit of time to try and figure out what kind of help you'd like, and then let us know when you have a better idea?

[kbot321]

Sure

[kbot321]

I've figured out what I want, based on my original message. I would like some advice on what I should do, and some opinions on the plastic surgery I mentioned wanting.

[Heather]

The only right person to consult about an elective surgery you are considering is a surgeon who odes that kind of surgery. Not only are details about cosmetic surgeries far afield of what we do here, and our expertise, a surgery is always something unique to a patient, so a person wanting information about themselves and a surgery should always get that via a surgical consultation visit.

[kbot321]

Yes I know. I am just not able, at the moment, to consult a plastic surgeon. I just turned 18, so I'm able to get the surgery, but I am in high school, so I'd have to wait until the summer, and I don't think my parents would allow me to have the procedures I want.

[Heather]

We cannot stand in for a surgeon in terms of advice about cosmetic surgery.

Surgical consults do not generally cost a patient. So, again, if what you are looking for is someone to discuss the possibility of cosmetic surgery with, the person you need to speak with is a surgeon. This simply is not the kind of information or help we can provide.