Really confused about myself

[Heather]

That's one of those terms that can tend to mean different things to different people, but in the most general way a crush tends to be defined as something where someone has what they would consider sexual and/or romantic feelings for someone, but they are more based on an idea or ideal of the other person then in feelings we developed from any kind of real closeness or intimacy with them.

[pensiveguy]

Okay. So you wouldn't call, for example, developing feelings for someone after a while of knowing them a "crush"?
No reason really, I'm just interested because I hear the word thrown around way too much to understand it properly.

[Heather]

Let me give you an example that might help.

I love my dog, sitting here on my feet. Have known him for several years now. And have very strong feelings about him. I also think he is mighty cute.

Found him on Petfinder, and only saw his picture. Thought he was mighty cute. He made me go all squishy in the heart, just from that picture.

But those initial feelings were just about my image of him. I didn't know him. I hadn't interacted with him. Those first feelings were a crush. I might have been I love with him, but I couldn't have lived him, because we didn't know each other. Now, I love him, and that's about way more than my idea of him, but about really getting to know him, interacting, forming a relationship.

Make sense?

Developing feelings for someone over time by knowing them is whatever those feelings are (whether they are profound distaste or deep affection, whatever) and whatever you decide to name them. But it's really different to have feelings about someone based on their image alone, or our idea of them based on passing interactions at best, and to have them based in knowing who they are from closer and mutual interactions.

[pensiveguy]

Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up.

I still get these kinda mood shifts, where for a few hours I think "I must be bi, because X, Y, Z", and then I start arguing with myself: "No, I have to be straight because X, Y, Z". I feel like I'm fighting a one-man war sometimes.

On a side note, I've seriously not come across a more helpful and supportive site. I've gone from feeling alone to feeling like there's always someone by my side every time I post here.

[Heather]

I couldn't be more glad to hear that: we always hope we can be that for all of you! You've just made my day.

While it really only makes sense to identify our sexualities in the moment - as all we can base that on is what we know from the past and feel in the present. But buddy: maybe for you, it makes sense to not take that SO literally. That way lies madness. Maybe see what you can do to focus on this a bit less, assess it all less often, and remind yourself that there's just no deciding this evermore. You don't actually need a definitive answer on this - and this early in your life, it's really pretty impossible - even though it might seem ideal.

Too: maybe for you it might help to think about what lies in between heterosexuality and bisexuality: maybe in part you keep vacillating so much because, contradictory as it may seem, you're a bit of both or on some place in the whole spectrum that lives between the two? It isn't like that can't be or isn't okay!

[pensiveguy]

I guess I didn't really realise you could be in between bi and straight, even when bi is by itself in between the two extremes. That might well fit me, definitely for now. I'm too desperate to find an answer to really sit back and let it come to me, I suppose.

Man, sexuality is confusing.

[Jacob]

Glad you're feeling better!

I re-read your original post and was thinking about how you seemed frustrated that you didn't fully understand yourself, and that not having the answers left you feeling insecure. I'm wondering if that was realistic. We are all constantly changing and we are all always through our whole lives becoming new people and learning about ourselves... if we ever wanted a complete picture, it would actually be kinda, as Heather says, impossible.

Understanding why we feel a certain way can be satisfying but a lot our decisions are made with a lot of emotion and intuition which take a while to distill. I'm thinking that part of life is finding and feeling acceptance for how you feel and who you are, rather than why you feel it or why you are that person.

For what it's worth I think you seem pretty flipping cool, really emotionally in touch with your own mind (even if you wanted to be moreso) and you'd be quite justified in thinking that too!

[pensiveguy]

Thanks! I always thought I was a good thinker, and I don't really let my emotions take full hold of me normally: which is why it was pretty intimidating and scary when they did.

The longer I've been in this thread, the more I've understood that: no one can ever build a complete picture of themselves or anyone else: you have to kinda work with what you've got from the past and the present. It's a massive help to my mental state to realise that. Yeah, it was realistic at the time I wrote the original post, but over the past few days I've come to realise how far that is from a good reason to be insecure and frustrated: but that doesn't make what I felt at the time unjustified because I didn't understand then.

And yeah, the "why" question doesn't really apply to most cases. It's more a case of comprehending "what" it is you feel and how to accept/act upon it. Again, I would never have understood that if it wasn't for this thread since I can't ever accept something without asking why in normal circumstances: that's just me.

[Heather]

Just checking in to see how you're doing today.

[pensiveguy]

Just having a relaxing Sunday afternoon really, not much happening in my head or anywhere else

[pensiveguy]

Hi all,
I wasn't going to mention this at first because I thought I could deal with it myself, but something happened today which really knocked me massively and changed my mind.
There's a guy in my boarding house who I've known for a year and a half now, let's call him John for sake of argument, and he's a good friend. But this school year I've started to really ... notice him. Like in the "like like" sense of the word. And at first I pretty much dismissed it: it wasn't strong at all and I just put it to the back of my head (this started about a week before I opened this thread). It meant very little - if not nothing - to me at that time, but after I opened this thread this feeling has started to get stronger, which confused me a little but, again, meant almost nothing. But as time has passed, I've just not been able to stop thinking about him which made me think I was being like this directly because I opened this thread and started to think about my sexuality more: which naturally makes small things like that bigger. So, again, I just dismissed it, thinking it would go eventually - which is why I never mentioned it here.
That was until this afternoon. I was walking back to my boarding house, opened the door and "John" was there looking at a notice on the wall. Ok - fine. But then my whole body, from head to toe, very strongly shuddered. It was quite possibly the most shocking thing that's ever physically happened to me. I was walking, and almost as soon as I saw "John", my entire body just stopped mid-walk and shuddered. I stood there for about 3 seconds, shaken by what just happened to me. He didn't notice, luckily, but he started to talk to me when he saw me and I just wanted to run to my room and get away from what just happened because I was utterly shocked. I think my mouth was literally hanging open when I went past him.
And that's why I've decided to share this here. I'm still a little shaken even though this was hours ago, and something that short that stays with you for that long is just something you can't possibly "dismiss".

I'll be very glad to hear what you think, because I am totally clueless as to what happened to me. My hands are physically shaking just thinking about it as I type this.

[Heather]

Well, what do you think that shudder was about? Nerves? Fear? Crushiness? Excitement? All of the above?

[pensiveguy]

Clueless. Probably all of the above but I honestly, truly have no idea.

[Heather]

Have you had really strong feelings of attraction to a guy before this, or is this a first time? I ask because, if so, this can be what it feels like, and it can feel earnestly overwhelming.

[pensiveguy]

No, never. This would be the first time. I've felt strong feelings for a girl a few years back, but I think I was too young to experience them properly.

[Jacob]

Sounds to me like John has an admirer!

When you say you felt shaken... do you still feel like that?

[pensiveguy]

Yeah, a little. Not as much as I was yesterday evening, but still a little. It was one hell of a thing.

[Heather]

It really can be pretty intense.

[pensiveguy]

Wow, can't believe it's been over 2 months since I posted here. I thought I'd update a bit, because a lot has happened in those 2 months.
So, yeah. You guys were right. I've got a massive crush on ... well, I'd prefer to call him "T" now, if that's okay. And you know what? I'm actually much more okay with it than I thought I would be. It started off really intense, like my brain would literally just wander off and/or stop dead at the very sight of T. So as a result, I didn't talk to him for a few weeks at least since "the shudder", as I've now grown to start calling it. But this luckily started to subside after a while, and I started talking to him again and just really liking being around him instead of deliberately avoiding him.

Then the flirting started. Oh gee. Everything just got a whole lot more complicated. I started to semi-consciously do things that I NEVER do with other people. Direct eye contact whenever he speaks to me; catching glances when I can for no reason; leaning closer to him if we sat next to each other anywhere (this one has caught me out a couple of times, when my brain finally catches up and realises that I'm within 6 inches of him I just shuffle away and try to hide my furious blushing... it's weird); and even light touches on the arm or whatever whenever it feels right. Oh god, reading that back makes me cringe but it's too true to be disappointed in myself, lol.

But overall, I'm cool with it: I just really like being around T, even if I act totally out of character when I am. It's also making me a more social and all-round better person in general, too: so everything is great right now. As for labels for myself, biromantic is DEFINITELY one: but as for the -sexual suffix, I'm not so sure. But to be honest? I really don't care much for that label anymore. I just go with the flow of my own crazy brain and see where it takes me xD.

And I wouldn't be in such a good place right now if it wasn't for my long-ass post 2 months ago, and all the advice and support that you guys gave me: so thank you! I'll probably post an update again sometime in the future, because all you wonderful people deserve to at least have some idea of what's going on after all the help you gave me. Thank you again! \o/

[Sam W]

Thank you so much for the update! We're glad to hear things are going well, and we're so happy that we were able to help you out

[pensiveguy]

Hi - sorry if necroposting like this is against the rules, but I was reminded today of the day I first realised I might be queer and got floored by my first same-sex crush, and I feel like I never really satisfyingly closed this chapter or properly expressed my appreciation.
6 years later(!!), and things never quite happened with "T", although we were always good friends throughout school; but I now have a wonderful enby partner who means the world to me! I genuinely don't know where I would be without Scarleteen at the time though, it was such a difficult period of my life but made a lot easier with people listening and helping me figure myself out early on. I've always been strongly recommending this site to anyone who tells me they're facing similar experiences that I had.
Thank you so much to all the great people who helped me here all that time ago, both on this thread and in live chat (even if reading back through 15-year-old me's posts makes me cringe a little now, haha). It was such a crucial time of my life which would have been so much harder without Scarleteen. You do such incredible work and are a massively important boost of support to so many struggling young people. ^^

[Heather]

Thanks so much for this! We always really appreciate these kinds of posts. Makes our whole day. <3