anxiety and sex

[naya92]

Hello I am 21 and I have been with my boyfriend for over a year we are deeply in love and things with us are great. the only problem is my anxiety during sex now I love having sex with my bf we have great sex very comfortable its fun and loving but when it comes to me being on top i have crazy amounts of anxiety (we are a long distance couple until i finish school in december) my bf mentioned that he noticed when im on top i dont seem comfortable i seem nervous( ive even gotten close to crying because i felt like i was doing a bad job) and it makes him sad to see he tells me he wishes i could just be lost in the moment like he is and just feel love he wants me to be aggressive and take control and not hold back but i dont know if i can do that. Ive never been like that with any partner Im a very self conscious person but with him ive opened up about so much because i feel so comfortable hes my best friend. I try to tell him my discomfort has nothing to do with him but my own nerves about what to do how to do it right how do i look and to be honest i dont get much out of the position so its hard to get into it. also i will throw in that when i am on top i tire quickly and it makes me feel like a failure because i cant contribute or do a position he likes around or 5th or so month of dating he joked that i was lazy on top and i guess it kinda stuck with me. he gives me nothing but compliments now telling me anything i do is amazing as long as hes with me but its still not enough to shake this lack of confidence that leaves me wanting to cry. what do i do to let go of this worry and just have fun how do i get out of my own head and just get lost in the moment when i have sex im never completly out of my head and i feel like its holding me back is there anything my partner and i can do i see him soon and i dont want to be scared of this one position

[Kaizen]

Hey, Naya, can you clarify something? The question you're asking is about how you can not be anxious and just enjoy a certain kind of sex, but if I understand you right, you said you actually don't like being aggressive or being on top. Do I have that right?

[naya92]

It's not that I don't like it I just have too many nerves and distractions to actually enjoy it or do it.

[Heather]

Naya, I want to pull a couple quotes from your first post here, okay?

ive even gotten close to crying because i felt like i was doing a bad job

it makes him sad to see he tells me he wishes i could just be lost in the moment like he is and just feel love he wants me to be aggressive and take control and not hold back but i dont know if i can do that

to be honest i dont get much out of the position so its hard to get into it. also i will throw in that when i am on top i tire quickly and it makes me feel like a failure because i cant contribute or do a position he likes around or 5th or so month of dating he joked that i was lazy on top and i guess it kinda stuck with me.

Things like this you have said suggest that you, yourself, are NOT actually interested in what he keeps saying he wants for himself from you, and that you just are not feeling this thing he wants. They also suggest that this is about way more than just you feelings anxious or distracted like you just now posted -- and I have to say, make that last response seem pretty odd to me, since it seems to ignore much of what you first wrote, which I suspect was more honest.

have you two yet talked about that fact that with any couple, chances are very good there will be things each person wants or enjoys the other does not? And that when that is the case, no one should feel like they have to try and bi different, but instead just be accepting that you are different people and let it go, finding what things both people DO both feel very into, like and feel cmfoortable with?

You say he's so sweet, but I am hearing you report him being pretty insensitive here, and also what sounds like pushing you to do something you just aren't into. And that's not sweet: that's just plain not okay in a healthy sexual relationship. The way you are feeling -- like a failure -- is likely coming in part from the fact that it sounds to me like he is treating you like one (and you're signing on to that), rather than just accepting that as two different people, you just will not always want or like the same things.

So, have you two had talks like this? Have you pointed out any of this to him and asked him to simply accept that you are not him and you two will not want or like the same things, and that's just that?