Going crazy

[CowLover]

Hi everyone I'm new on here so be nice and bear with me if I make any mistake.

My name is Hunter, I turned 14 on September and I live with my father. My parents got married pretty young because my mother got pregnant at young age, my dad was 19 and my mom 20. They ve been divorced for about 8 years now, my mom moved out with her mother in Spain and i lost contact with her, im not even sure if shes still there.

Since i can remember, me and my dad have never got along, i think he blames me for the divorce and is taking it out with me. The thing is i'm going crazy because i feel like im living in another universe, hes really strict, he gets easily angry, hits me and just plain weird. His first rule: I can't stay in bed past 5am, i dont even know what to say to make him understand that its too early! He doesn't do anything, ok he works and make lunch, thats it! I have to get up at 5 to clean the kitchen, livingroom, make breakfast, go to school, swimming practice, sweeping, clean the bathroom, bedrooms, laundry, take out the trash etc and finally around 9-10pm i can do my homework, study and go to bed around 12-1 am just to do it all again the next day. I'm doing horrible at school because i fall asleep, can't get my homework done or because I skip school after our fights so noone ask questions about a busted lip or bruised eyes.

He's controlling every move i make, he gave me a cellphone but I barely use it because somehow he can see all my calls, text, mails, everything except apps so atleast i can use it to talk with ppl and try to make friends.
I feel in a cage I don't go out anywhere and i dont have anyone to talk to and i feel lonely, I can't count with my dad for anything and the think that pushed me to find someone to talk to its his new so called game or joke where the only thing he does its touch me or grabbing me down there. I told him i didnt felt confortable but he said that guys do that and joke like that. I dont see anyone doing it!
He's my only dad i don't have anyone else so I know its weird but i love him and i wish he could be just a normal father atleast.
Again i dont know if this belongs here and I apologize if it doesn't I guess I just wanna talk with someone or make friends not locked in 4 walls all day and night

[Heather]

Hey there, Hunter. Welcome to the boards. I'm glad you found us.

You're describing a couple different kinds of abuse here: physical and emotional abuse. I certainly understand why you are feeling the way you are given what you have described. I am so sorry you have had to be living like this.

I guess the first thing I would ask is if you want to try and do anything about this in terms of either looking at options of other safer places to live or seeing if your father might be open to some kind of help and intervention, like family counseling. Do you mind giving me a picture in terms of your feelings about these options, and your sense of what is both possible and sounds like something you may want?

[CowLover]

Yes id like him to change, ive chatted online with some people and they say i should report him, but I don't wanna live somewhere else I want my house so I've tried to make him change, sometimes it works like I talk with him and he gets better the next days but then it cames back to where it was before. So yeah I still think he can change

[Heather]

Do you think, if we can help you find a place to start with this, he might be willing to go to something like family therapy?

[CowLover]

Right know I don't think he would, maybe when he acknowledges what he's doing wrong he would but I was hoping for some kind of "exercise" i could do with him to get along and take it slow till therapy

[Heather]

Ultimately, you can't be the therapist, counselor or interventionist for this situation because you're part of it. It doesn't work for people living with any kind of abuse to try and change the abuser or "fix" the abusive dynamic who isn't the abuser themselves, but instead the victim. If only it did.

So, if you don't think he would agree to doing work to change his behavior, but you also aren't willing to report this to someone who could get this in the system and intervene (which does not always involve foster care: it often instead is about things like household visits and the parent agreeing to things like therapy), where that leaves us is just this being as it is, and you doing what you can to survive it and cope with it until you do/are able to leave home on your own.

Would you like to talk about that, or would you like to talk about options and possible outcomes with reporting?

[CowLover]

I think i wanna talk about all haha sorry. I don't talk a lot and I dont really have friends so i dont know its all weird. I know that doesn't help much

[Heather]

It's okay, and I also understand that if you haven't had much practice or experience talking to anyone about big stuff, it can feel pretty confusing and awkward. If it helps, we're certainly in no hurry to talk or get to the end of talking with you, so we can do this at whatever pace -- and for however long -- works for you. If it takes some time for you to get your footing talking about this with us, that's totally okay.

Where would you like to take this from here, just for now?

[CowLover]

I'm not sure I think I want atleast a normal schedule that would help me to think better maybe and share house chores I don't have the time or energy to do them all

[Heather]

Okay. The thing is, I suspect this is something you have already asked your Dad for, and he won't change (both the schedule and what's being asked of you with chores). Do I have that right?

If so, then if you're still living at home there, and no one is intervening (do you have any extended relatives who aren't abusive, btw, including on your mother's side?), there likely isn't anything in this you have the power to change, I'm afraid.

Ultimately, my best advice -- if you're curious -- would be to report and get some help. I understand and respect if that's not something you want to do yet, but I do personally think that it sounds like the only thing with a possibility of changing things for you for the better until you're of age to live on your own.

[CowLover]

Yes my grandparents from my dads side. We don't visit them alot but im not ure if they would believe it, i can try. My mother's side of the family lives in Spain no idea how to contact them

[Heather]

Why don't you reach out and give it a try? Perhaps sending a detailed letter or email about how it has been for you, also asking for their help, if there isn't a way for you to visit wit them privately (without your Dad around)?

[CowLover]

I will do a letter or email better. Going out its difficult, he works half day at office-half day at home-going to the gym and asks lot of questions and i mean A LOT also its been around 2 months since my bedroom door was taken out so he can see everything I do. With holydays he will spent even more time at home playing video games, so lazy

[Heather]

I'm so sorry, CowLover. I grew up in abuse as well, and I particularly relate to how you feel about your loss of privacy, whether with your door or with your phone. It's a lot to lose, and also is another way to abuse by not even allowing someone to... well, just have themselves for themselves.