Why can't I remember? Have I really been sexualiy abused

[Darkkitten02]

i often wonder what happened then ......the more I talk about it or think my head feels heavy and I feel tired I have memory's that leave me in a awkward and confused state one memory is me sitting in just a towel on my top bunk I think I was four-ish or so and I remember i was very scared or shaken about what happened then another where I was laying on my mom and step dads bed thinking about it now I get a sick feeling about it. I was talking about it with someone very close to me and they suggested that maybe that's what it is I was reading the signs of being sexualiy abused and about 97% of them fit I really just want to know what to do next

[Heather]

Not being able to remember a trauma, or, if there wasn't a trauma, why we were upset as a young child isn't cause by itself to presume or assume sexual abuse occurred. It's very uncommon for any of us to be able to remember much about our early childhoods well, save the kind of murky memory you're describing here. It's also very common for young children to experience fears and upset from just about anything.

Do you want to talk more about why, besides this person you know telling you this might have been about sexual abuse, you are concerned it might have been?

[Darkkitten02]

I do want to talk about it more because now I question it more it concerns me even now since people keep asking me through my adoption process

[Sam W]

Okay, can you tell me more about any other things that make you think abuse is at the root of this? And when you mention going over the signs of being abused, which symptoms were a match?

[Darkkitten02]

After going over them with my nana also Thinking over time and looking at the symptoms these are the ones I compare exactly to:


• a sudden fear of specific things, people, places (bathroom or —i.e. the room where the abuse took place)
• act out inappropriate sexual activity or display unusual interest in sexual matters
• temper tantrums, especially coinciding with visits to places or interaction with certain people
• violent behavior such as: kicking, hitting, biting—survivors feel extreme frustration and anger.
• mood swings, hitting, withdrawal (abused children often feel alone, helpless and withdraw into a shell), culminating into depression.
• difficulties with bed wetting or soiling after 4 years of age
• nightmares (monsters, being chased or bogey men), fear of going to bed or sleepwalking?
• physical symptoms of sexual abuse such as: vaginal/rectal pain, itching, vaginal/rectal bleeding (bloodstains in underwear or pajamas), discharge
• stomach and digestive problems
• complain of flu-like symptoms or not feeling well frequently
• listlessness (robot-like, sitting quietly and unemotional staring into space until someone or something prompted you to ‘act.’)
• self-inflicted pain (head banging, hair pulling, nail biting, body cutting/carving, frequent accidents (accident prone)
• regressive behavior: baby talk, sudden clinging behavior
• unexplained aggressiveness or rebellion
• inserting objects into genitals/rectum—act out sexual behavior on dolls, toys or other children
• aches and pains, headaches and other psychosomatic ailments
• unusual knowledge and interest in sex beyond developmental level
• panic attacks or anxiety
• beginning stage of eating disorders
• displaying adult or sexualized behavior (walking seductively, flirting, acting and talking like an adult).
• drop in grades, difficulty concentrating
• serious depression
• inability to trust others
• acting out self-destructive behaviors
• bathe excessively
• feeling the need to be secretive
• sense of carrying a deep dark secret
• develop strategies for protection such as: layering, wearing baggy or safety-pinning clothes; sleeping on the floor; in the closet, under the bed or blocking your bedroom
• a dramatic increase in the frequency of masturbation or masturbation to the point of
• serious confusion regarding sexual identity
• sexual interest in younger children
• Little or no memory of childhood—age 3 to 12
• Anxiety or Panic Attack
• Gastrointestinal disorders
• Frequent Headaches (migraines)
• Eating disorders
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Phobias
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• ADD or ADHD
• Suicidal thoughts/attempts
• Reoccuring Dreams of threat or entrapment
• Reoccuring Dreams of rats or snakes, being chasted by a man/men or dogs
• Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately

[snailshell]

I really just want to know what to do next

As for what to do next: keep reaching out for help. The list of things that you identify with include some serious mental health issues that need and deserve treatment and healing. You don't need to do this alone. Working through past trauma, identifying whether you've been abused - you've done SO MUCH work already, coming here and asking for support and doing research on your own and with your nana. You should be really proud of the work you've already done, but know that there is a point where you don't have to do it alone, and it's best to get professional help. Now that you've identified that this might be an issue, finding professional treatment is a very good next step.

Whether or not you were sexually abused or this pain comes from something else, the reality is that the pain is there. Suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, serious depression, and many more of the things you listed are serious, but can be treated with the help of a professional. You don't have to feel this way forever. You can find help and healing. There are people who have years of training and experience helping people in your situation. Here are some resources on finding mental health help:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/how ... ealth-help
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/2 ... 12858.html
https://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/a-begi ... .sg2LKXV26
https://medium.com/@lilythegecko/findin ... .fotk6b5xm

I do want to talk about it more because now I question it more it concerns me even now since people keep asking me through my adoption process

Wanting to talk about it is a really important step in healing. That takes strength and courage, and you are doing such a good job of fighting for your own wellness. It also means that seeing a therapist or other mental health professional would be a really positive next step. If there is a social worker, GAL, agency clinician, or other person you've worked with through your adoption process, they may also be able to connect you and your family to services.

Also, since people keep asking you about this, if the question bothers you or if being asked makes you feel like you're obligated to try and unravel this pain with/for anyone who asks, it is OK to think of "pre-packaged" answers for when people ask you about that.

For people who are asking out of curiosity or who you don't want to share with, you could say something like:
-"That is very personal, and I'd prefer not to talk about it right now."
-"There is a lot of pain in my past, but that's all I'm ready to share with you right now."

For people who are asking you as professionals who are part of the process, you could say something like:
-"I am still working that out with myself - do you have any suggestions or resources that could help me work through this?"
-"That is a very hard and painful question to answer - is there another time or place we could talk about this?" or "Could I instead talk about this with [person you already trust]?" or another way of asking for help to feel safe and comfortable working through it.
-"Could you tell me more about why you are asking me that?"

[Heather]

Snailshell gave you some excellent advice there. I'd just add on that you are listing a lot of physical issues here, so if you haven't seen a general doctor about them -- for example, the gastrointestinal issues, the aches and pains, feeling like you have the flu often -- I would hop on that as soon as you can.

I'm not sure where you got this list you pulled those things above from (and I feel like it's not really the best way to go about this, particularly since someone having this many issues probably has them as a result of multiple things, which may or may not include abuse or any kind of trauma), but just the physical issues and history of them you have listed here alone should be investigated by a healthcare professional. That person can also refer you to a mental health professional, as well.

One other thing: you say you have talked about this with your nana. Was she around when you were growing up? If so, has she told you about having witnessed any kind of abuse, or having worried you might have been being abused?

[Darkkitten02]

She always said that my step dads behavior towards me and his dad's behavior was inappropriate also there's a history of sexual abuse and abuse on that side of the family that's how we came about it she told me not to take just her advise on it and do research and talk to my required therapist. My nana was always with me on and off when she was around he was different I've always been off when it came to my step dad and I've always been sexualiy aware since I was about 2 I think .there's been plenty signs which my nana has seen and tried to bring out but in between the two of my mom and step dad her trying to tell someone wasn't Heard

I also want to thank you all for the advice it has helped me so much

[Heather]

Well, I think if you have a family member who said she witnessed abuse -- be it sexual or otherwise -- there's really no need to do things like going to look at some things that can occur as an immediate or lasting impact of trauma. Unless you have any reason not to believe your Nana, I'd figure that you know, then, that some kind of abuse occurred, because she has told you it did, and it sounds like she's had a history of trying to intervene, even.

It sounds like you do already have a therapist: do I have that right? If so, especially if you have seen them for a long time, have you talked about this with them before? If not, and they're not someone brand new, have you not talked about it -- or any of the things you are reporting on that list up there -- with them? If that's the case, do you have any sense of why you haven't? Is there anything that would help you talk about all of these things, including what your Nana has told you, with them?