Straight Girl who wants to be a Gay Male?

[_speeddemon_]

Hi,
I'm am a heterosexual girl who wants to be in a sexual/romantic relationship with a guy, as a guy. For the past 3 years I have liked watching movies such as BrokeBack Mountain, and reading gay fan fiction such as Jaspar and Drarry. I have tried to convince myself that I have a gay fettish or I have a crazy love for boys, but that doesn't feel complete. I know I'm not transexual because I love being a girl, I love being myself. It's not that I desperately want to be a boy, at least through everyday life. I want to be romantically and sexually involved with a guy as a guy, not a girl. I love the way it is kind of forbidden, and how it's just two strong bodies against each other. I'm not unhappy as a girl, and unlike Transexual people(I think) I don't feel miserable as the gender I am, I want to be a girl. But do I? I want to confide in my friends, but I am afraid I won't get any answers or they won't accept or see me the same. Right now I feel as if I have a tremendous love for boys, how they look, what they do, everything. But, I know there is something else there. I need help, I just hope I can find it here.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards.

So, it sounds like what's happening here is that you feel drawn to, and perhaps even turned on by, some of the dynamics you are seeing and/or conceptualizing about gay men. For example, you mention feeling turned on by perceptions of gay male relationships as taboo (more on that in a sec). You also talk about how you see male bodies as strong -- and I assume don't feel or see women's bodies that way -- and like seeing strong bodies together.

Like you say, you feel positive about and enjoy being a girl, so clearly this isn't an issue where you want to be a different gender or feel like a different gender. You're clear you don't.

So, a few things about this. For one, I think some of how you're conceptualizing this is problematic. For example, how men's bodies are varies. There are a lot of gay men who aren't what are or are perceived of as "two strong bodies" together. Many men are very slight and slim. Some gay male couples are made of men who have disabilities. And relationships being taboo may seem sexy from the outside, but that's only been or is the case because gay men are not accepted or approved of in the world, which has caused most of them tremendous suffering, rather than being sexy.

That kind of thing given, I would suggest you do just think about some of this.

But: that doesn't mean it's not okay for you to be turned on by what you are, so long as it's not objectifying someone else in their actual lives (rather than in a movie). And being a girl/woman also doesn't mean that you can't have, in your life, some of what you are turned on by in this stuff: like, if your body is able, being one of two strong bodies being together. Or fantasizing that something is taboo (again, something actually being so doesn't tend to feel good emotionally at all, and is often difficult to live with). You can also fantasize that you are a guy in your own masturbation or with partners: it's not ususual for people to sexually fantasize about being someone else, whether that's about being a different gender or some other way of being a different person.

Hearing all of that, what are your thoughts?