Are the (involuntary) noises just in porn?

[hazmat]

Hi,

I've read/watched some porn/erotica/smut, and a part that always stood out to me is the noises people make. I've gotten the impressions that all the moans and groans just happen, but is true? Furthermore, are they involuntary? Whenever I think of having sex I find the idea of making those sorts to noises disgusting and humiliating, and I really don't like the idea of them slipping out of my mouth without my brain having any say. Could I enjoy sex without making these noises?

[Heather]

Some sounds people make during sex are voluntary, some aren't, or are less so. You obviously get to choose when it comes to the voluntary ones.

But since involuntary sounds are likely to happen at least sometimes, how about we talk about why you find people making any kinds of sounds "disgusting and humiliating?" Why do you think you feel that way? Why would not making any noises be more ideal, do you think?

[hazmat]

Well I think it's partially the involuntary nature of the noises, and partially that those noises - moans, groans and screams - aren't noises that people make often. The other context that comes to mind when I think of anyone making all of these noises, especially involuntarily and in response to the actions of another person, is torture. (You know, like in gore-fulled movies where the action hero shows how tough he is by not screaming.) Groaning is something that people do when they are in pain. People moan when something is bad. People scream when other people need to be alerted of something, and sex doesn't seem like something that I'd want anyone aside from me and my partner to know about while it is happening. I guess the type of noises make it disgusting, and the involuntary nature of those noises make it humiliating.
Also, in the smut I look at the noises just seem like such a big part of the whole affair. They seem to be written in primarily as noises that the woman makes, and which show her lack of control - and the control that the man has - over her own body. This leads me to the idea that weak and shameful women can not control themselves. (Sort of like the idea that women's nipples harden when they are aroused, so if a woman's nipples harden she must be aroused; a fallacy that I have not made up but which is, unfortunately, my problem.) I don't know how common this reading is, but if I have connected the dots in this way then other people must have too, and if this reading is at all common I don't want to play into this. I'm not sure I could avoid this by finding a partner who who won't intend to tell other people the details of our activities and a place where no one can hear my screams; if he mentioned that we had had activities and didn't say that I didn't make noises people would assume.
As to your last question, in an activity that involves humans with irregular shaped, meat, bodies exercising together and dripping fluids, I don't expect it to be silent. It seems normal that people would be breathing hard and gasping for air, or that fluids would squelch and bodies would squish and stick as flesh is moved into unusual configurations. These seem like normal, healthy noises for the situation.

[Heather]

There's a lot in this, so I'm going to start with just a few basics things, and you can bounce off from them however you'd like.

1) I truly would not figure that porn tells you much of anything about real-life sex, because it so rarely does. The sounds, for instance, are people really amplifying things for effect, and you're right: there are some gender disparities a lot of porn holds up that often present men as having all the power and control and women having little to none. I can certainly see how the sounds involved can increase you feeling that disparity. But again, those disparities don't have to be there in real life sex. Not only is everyone's sex life not something that has men with women in it in the first place, even when it does, it doesn't have to involve partners of one gender having all this reserve and control while the others don't. That's something you get to choose when dating and choosing partners, and for a lot of way more important reasons than this stuff, I'll always strongly advise people to create relationships or interactions that have real equality at the core of them.

2) I wonder if you can think about all the things people DO make moans and groans that are pleasure-based -- rather than based in fear or pain -- that you don't seem to be. Some examples off the top of my head include: eating things we really enjoy, sliding into a nice, hot tub when our muscles hurt, getting a good massage, enjoying movement or exercise, stepping outside on a beautiful day and giving it a happy shout, getting into a comfy bed at the end of a long day, drinking water when we have been very thirsty, playing with pets, snuggling, having a really good stretch, and yes, sex. What do you think about that, and where does thinking about sounds that way take you with this?

3) No one has to know you are engaged with sex with a partner but that partner when it's happening. For sure, sometimes people do get loud enough that neighbors or housemates can hear. But pretty much all the time, volume with the sounds we make IS something we can control and being THAT loud is a choice, and not involuntary.