Why doesn't sex feel good?

[user18530]

I can get aroused, I can consistently get myself off, but the weird thing is that the "pleasurable" sensation during masturbation that other people talk about seems to be replaced with the opposite of pleasurable.

It's not painful, and it doesn't feel like shame or guilt or anything like that. No matter how I've looked at it, it just seems to be a physical sensation caused by the touch itself. The feeling seems to model how other people talk about their "pleasurable feeling"; I feel sensitive, the feeling builds if I continue, if I keep going I orgasm, I have to get aroused feel it, it's most easily caused by clit stimulation... The only difference I've been able to find is that other people call it "pleasure" and I call it "unpleasant".

It's frustrating because I still want to masturbate and I can't enjoy it. It feels like I was wired wrong, which I know probably isn't true, but that's how I'm feeling, and it's a bummer. I also can't find any writing on this, so even though I also know I'm probably not the only one who's ever felt like this, I'm feeling alone. The only resource I can think of that I haven't checked out is visiting the gyno. I'm planning to visit later this year once I get my budget figured out.

If context helps; I'm in my early twenties, I have masturbated on and off for a few years, I have not had sex, I have not had any negative sex-related experiences, and I am sex-positive and keep learning about sex and about myself.

Thanks for listening

[Heather]

Can you fill me in on how much you have experimented with masturbation?

In other words, there isn't any one way to masturbate, and it doesn't have to even be genital, or focused solely on genitals. I'm curious to see if this is about masturbating in very limited ways -- perhaps even only doing what you have heard of doing or seen in any kind of porn -- or if this is the case for you with a lot of experimentation.

Also: you talk about checking in with on OB/GYN. Have you otherwise (when not masturbating) had any kind of pain or discomfort genitally? For instance, does anything feel swollen or sore at other times?

[user18530]

I've done a fair amount of experimenting and still feel this way. I haven't experienced any genital pain/discomfort except for twice during bike rides, probably because of bumpy long roads and/or poor seating.

More details on what I've experimented with so far:

I've heard it's possible to climax without genital stimulation, but so far it's only felt like a massage, or like initial arousal that I haven't been able to build off of without stimulation. I tend to get bored and frustrated doing this, so I don't experiment with it that often, although when I do, I try to stick with it long enough to give it a real chance. While experimenting without genital stimulation, I've used grinding, using my hands, focusing on different areas and types of touch, masturbating in different positions, and using fantasies.

For genital stimulation alone, it tends to feel like a massage, or slightly uncomfortable. If I incorporate fantasies, I might get aroused and then I become sensitive enough I can build off that, but it takes a while, so I might get sore, bored, or frustrated in the process, so I don't do this much. I've experimented with stimulating the vulva, clit, and penetration using hands, a cheap vibrator, and dildo.

I usually start off without genital stimulation to become aroused, then add stimulation.

I sometimes use porn for fun, arousal, or fantasies. I try not to let it be my only model for how to have sex, by seeking out different perspectives, exploring different things, keeping up with dialogue about the limitations and problems with porn, and paying attention to what actually works for me. I tend to have trouble finding video porn I actually want to watch, and it's easier with written, art, or audio porn; less objectifying, more diverse, more communication, more informed and thoughtful, more room for imagination, etc.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you have done quite a bit of experimenting. You mention using porn and fantasies to help you get aroused. I wonder, when you usually go to masturbate, is it because you're already feeling aroused? Or are you trying it in moments when you're otherwise stressed or tense?

[user18530]

It's most common for me to masturbate when I'm already aroused, although sometimes I'll do it out of curiosity or boredom in which case I need to get aroused first.

I don't really like masturbating while stressed; it's harder to focus when my mind is elsewhere, and I've been trying to make sure that nothing is in the way of an enjoyable experience

[Mo]

You mentioned that clitoral stimulation feels unpleasant and I just wanted to do a quick check to see if you've tried using lubricant, at all - friction can be a pretty unpleasant feeling and lube will help with that. In general, I think continuing to experiment and focus on what's pleasurable is a good bet moving forward; if you find that something you're doing while masturbating shifts from feeling good to being uncomfortable or frustrating, then I think it's a good plan to move on to something else vs. trying to power through and get back to how it felt before.

[user18530]

Yeah, I use lube when there's too much friction, or just if I want to.

I think that generally is good advice. I'm having trouble finding things that are pleasurable though; the arousal feels good, and with experimentation -sometimes moving on, sometimes powering through- I haven't found genital stimulation that feels good, but I have found that "unpleasant" feeling that models sexual response other people, who feel good, describe. I don't understand why

Quick thanks again y'all for taking the time to listen and reply

[Karyn]

This may seem a bit out of left field, but how have you noticed yourself responding physically to things that many people would consider pleasurable? (For instance: massage or a warm bath?)

[user18530]

In general, yes, warm baths, warm hugs, and other well-liked things have felt pleasurable, although massages haven't had noticeable affect on me. Why?

[Anon E. Muss]

Hi! I'm having the exact same problem here and it's really frustrating. I love the idea of sex, but can't actually enjoy it itself. It's like what was said, I have the same experiences, but find them unpleasant instead of pleasant. Everything other than clitoral stimulation (which is unpleasant) is just boring. Does anyone know why?

[Jacob]

Hi Anonymuss! Welcome to scarleteen!

I think the 'why' part is super difficult to answer... there is lots of variation from person to person in how people feel or don't feel pleasure already, even just within folks who enjoy some of the stuff that doesn't work for you... and there could be a bunch of unique factors contributing to why not everyone feels physical sensations in the same way. That said, if it's difficult for you it would be good to know how we can help!

I'd ask what's motivating you here... like, is there sexual relief you feel frustrated about not getting, or is it more the worry that this isn't 'normal', do you enjoy your body in other ways, like sport or whatever?... Is communicating with partners about not really enjoying genital stuff an issue?