My friend is trans and confused, how can I help?

[Bananasplit8]

**Please tell me if I am using any of the LGBTQ related terms incorrectly. I am only an ally so I don't mean to offend or insult. I am always willing to learn.**

My best friend is going through a lot of problems and I want to help but he's not letting me. Here's what happened.

My friend came out to me as female-to-male transgender almost three years ago. I have always been supportive of him as a transperson, just as he has been an equally supportive friend in my times of need. I was there for him when he switched to male pronouns, I was there when he switched to a male name, I was there when he came out to his family, I was there when he came out publicly on Facebook. He trusts me and I trust him with everything.

But I recognize that my friend has bipolar disorder and he spends alot of time on the Internet, on transgender community websites. Which I have noticed are not all that caring or supportive to him. Not like scarletteen. He gets angry and rants to me about fake people online who pretend to be trans and make up fake genders, which undermines the legitimacy of real transpeople. That makes both of us mad, him more so.

Recently my friend made a public post on Facebook saying something about the nasty transgender people, how he doesn't want to be associated with them and how now he is not trans anymore. He is male. Period. He was never born a girl. Those were the words he used.

I was confused so I asked him about it, hoping to help, and I was told not to mention it ever again. He said he isn't part of the transgender community, I shouldn't mention it to him, he is male, period, and he said he is starting testosterone treatment soon.

I am super confused because we both know he is FTM transgender and now he is asking me to pretend. I can't even ask how the testosterone is going without treading on thin ice. I want to continue to be a supportive friend but my best friend in the world is making that very hard for me. How can I help him? Also, can you help me understand what his deal is? Like why is he saying this confusing stuff that I'm not allowed to ask what he means? I don't want to grow apart or ruin our friendship, so I am reluctant to address it. Please help and thank you.

[KittyPink]

I think maybe he's upset about the growing non-binary acceptance among the community. (They are totally legitimate trans people too!) Which might explain the suddenness of him saying he doesn't consider himself part of the community. Which is fine if he doesn't, I have a couple of trans friends who aren't actively involved or consider themselves part of the community. And, non-binary people (or trans people who might not be "trans enough" to him, I'll consider that) are not undermining the existence of real trans people, being trans isn't a competition.

[Danny S.]

Hi there,
I can understand why this might be confusing, but the bottom line is that you need to respect what your friend is saying. It seems like you're a really supportive friend, and that's awesome! Continue to show that support even when things get confusing or difficult.
It sounds like your friend is (understandably) bothered by trolls in the online trans community- I don't blame him. If he thinks the solution to this is to distance himself from that community, that's his choice! He doesn't need to identify or out himself as trans if he doesn't want to or feel comfortable doing so. Trans men ARE men- period. There's really no need to add "trans" as an identifier unless someone asks you to do so. Accept his identity, and let him know that if he ever wants to talk about what happened and why he wants to distance himself from the trans community, you are there and will be supportive. In regards to the testosterone- it seems like you want to be supportive as he's going through this treatment, and that's great! Have a conversation with him about what's okay to ask and what's not- is he okay with you asking how the treatment is going? Does he feel comfortable talking to you about it?
You mentioned that you were willing to learn about terms; although some people and communities still use the terms "male to female," or "mtf," and "female to male," or "ftm," they are generally considered outdated and shouldn't be used to describe people you don't know or communities as a whole.
KittyPink suggested that the people online with "fake genders" might be nonbinary people (who, as she said, are very real and a part of the trans community! I am one myself ). I assumed that you were just referring to trolls, who pretend to be a part of the trans community online only to harass other users. Any insight on whether or not KittyPink might be right? Can you give us an example of the "fake genders" your friend was referring to? If they are nonbinary people and not trolls, all of the stuff I said about accepting your friend's identity holds true; but I can send you some information on nonbinary identities if you want to give you both a better understanding of them

[Bananasplit8]

Thank you Danny S. and KittyPink. You have cleared up some of my confusion, but not all of it.

I can understand why this might be confusing, but the bottom line is that you need to respect what your friend is saying. It seems like you're a really supportive friend, and that's awesome! Continue to show that support even when things get confusing or difficult.
It sounds like your friend is (understandably) bothered by trolls in the online trans community- I don't blame him. If he thinks the solution to this is to distance himself from that community, that's his choice! He doesn't need to identify or out himself as trans if he doesn't want to or feel comfortable doing so. Trans men ARE men- period. There's really no need to add "trans" as an identifier unless someone asks you to do so. Accept his identity, and let him know that if he ever wants to talk about what happened and why he wants to distance himself from the trans community, you are there and will be supportive. In regards to the testosterone- it seems like you want to be supportive as he's going through this treatment, and that's great! Have a conversation with him about what's okay to ask and what's not- is he okay with you asking how the treatment is going? Does he feel comfortable talking to you about it?

I do respect my friend's choices. I do my best to be supportive of his gender identity. However he doesn't want support, or at least not the way I can give it. He always seems to be avoiding the topic. How can I help except to talk about the issues? It's a foreign concept to me, what he said which was that the best way I can help is to not say anything and never mention it again. That doesn't make any sense to me. You said trans men are men period. But my friend is saying that he is not trans at all. At the same time he discusses with me stories about times in his childhood when he "used to be a girl." Referring to himself as "she/her, back then/at the time." I'm like, ????? I asked my friend that, does he want to talk about it at all, and why does he not want to be trans. This only caused an angry outburst from him. I know what's not okay to talk about, but I cant ask what is okay to talk about without having another argument.

KittyPink suggested that the people online with "fake genders" might be nonbinary people (who, as she said, are very real and a part of the trans community! I am one myself ). I assumed that you were just referring to trolls, who pretend to be a part of the trans community online only to harass other users. Any insight on whether or not KittyPink might be right? Can you give us an example of the "fake genders" your friend was referring to? If they are nonbinary people and not trolls, all of the stuff I said about accepting your friend's identity holds true; but I can send you some information on nonbinary identities if you want to give you both a better understanding of them

In response to that, yes I was referring to trolls. Some of the fake genders that online people use who my friend interacts with include "dragon" "unicorn" and other mythical creatures and fake words. It seems to him that these people are laughing to themselves as they make fun of what real transpeople go through. Also, I didn't know that there was such a gender identity as nonbinary. (I hope I phrased that correctly.) I apologize for my ignorance, and yes I would love to learn more about nonbinary identities.

You mentioned that you were willing to learn about terms; although some people and communities still use the terms "male to female," or "mtf," and "female to male," or "ftm," they are generally considered outdated and shouldn't be used to describe people you don't know or communities as a whole.

So what terms are acceptable to use? Please let me know.

[KittyPink]

Thank you Danny S. and KittyPink. You have cleared up some of my confusion, but not all of it.

I can understand why this might be confusing, but the bottom line is that you need to respect what your friend is saying. It seems like you're a really supportive friend, and that's awesome! Continue to show that support even when things get confusing or difficult.
It sounds like your friend is (understandably) bothered by trolls in the online trans community- I don't blame him. If he thinks the solution to this is to distance himself from that community, that's his choice! He doesn't need to identify or out himself as trans if he doesn't want to or feel comfortable doing so. Trans men ARE men- period. There's really no need to add "trans" as an identifier unless someone asks you to do so. Accept his identity, and let him know that if he ever wants to talk about what happened and why he wants to distance himself from the trans community, you are there and will be supportive. In regards to the testosterone- it seems like you want to be supportive as he's going through this treatment, and that's great! Have a conversation with him about what's okay to ask and what's not- is he okay with you asking how the treatment is going? Does he feel comfortable talking to you about it?

I do respect my friend's choices. I do my best to be supportive of his gender identity. However he doesn't want support, or at least not the way I can give it. He always seems to be avoiding the topic. How can I help except to talk about the issues? It's a foreign concept to me, what he said which was that the best way I can help is to not say anything and never mention it again. That doesn't make any sense to me. You said trans men are men period. But my friend is saying that he is not trans at all. At the same time he discusses with me stories about times in his childhood when he "used to be a girl." Referring to himself as "she/her, back then/at the time." I'm like, ????? I asked my friend that, does he want to talk about it at all, and why does he not want to be trans. This only caused an angry outburst from him. I know what's not okay to talk about, but I cant ask what is okay to talk about without having another argument.

KittyPink suggested that the people online with "fake genders" might be nonbinary people (who, as she said, are very real and a part of the trans community! I am one myself ). I assumed that you were just referring to trolls, who pretend to be a part of the trans community online only to harass other users. Any insight on whether or not KittyPink might be right? Can you give us an example of the "fake genders" your friend was referring to? If they are nonbinary people and not trolls, all of the stuff I said about accepting your friend's identity holds true; but I can send you some information on nonbinary identities if you want to give you both a better understanding of them

In response to that, yes I was referring to trolls. Some of the fake genders that online people use who my friend interacts with include "dragon" "unicorn" and other mythical creatures and fake words. It seems to him that these people are laughing to themselves as they make fun of what real transpeople go through. Also, I didn't know that there was such a gender identity as nonbinary. (I hope I phrased that correctly.) I apologize for my ignorance, and yes I would love to learn more about nonbinary identities.

You mentioned that you were willing to learn about terms; although some people and communities still use the terms "male to female," or "mtf," and "female to male," or "ftm," they are generally considered outdated and shouldn't be used to describe people you don't know or communities as a whole.

So what terms are acceptable to use? Please let me know.

Well, in some cases not all of those are trolls. I have a friend who has their custom gender label on Facebook as pizza. (It's an in-joke, it has to do with their obsession with pizza.) But ID's as agender/gender-fluid.

[Danny S.]

KittyPink- that may be true, but I'm going with the assumption here (based on the distress it's caused this user's friend) that most of them are trolls.
Bananasplit- sometimes showing support means not talking about things. If your friend doesn't want to talk about it, show support by respecting that decision and not talking about it! Can I ask you why it bothers you so much that your friend does not want to identify as trans anymore? Many trans people talk about their pasts in terms of the gender they used to identify or present as, so your friend talking about when he "used to be a girl" isn't uncommon or anything that should cause you confusion. Keep in mind that this is usually one of those things that's okay for him to do, but not necessarily okay for you or others to do.
I have definitely encountered the kind of people you're talking about online, and yes, that seems like troll behavior. No need to apologize! Here are two great resources (meant for people who identify as nonbinary or are questioning their gender identity, but should still be helpful to you): Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer and genderqueerid.com.

So what terms are acceptable to use? Please let me know.

If you're specifying that someone is trans, just saying "trans," or "trans man/boy/guy/woman/girl" /whatever someone identifies as is just fine. In everyday conversation though, or if someone (like your friend) does not want to be identified as trans, there's no need to even mention it.