My brain won't stop...

[Choka]

I don’t really know how to begin with all this, but I’ll try to stick with a chronological order. So, my GF and I got a sexy time two weeks ago, but something soft as she do not use the pill and I don’t want to have a complete intercourse with only one means of contraception (way too scared of this...). So, basically, we just dry humped and she gave me a blowjob. We were both fully clothed. I used this site a lot – it really saved my life (... literally...) – and I re-read the articles likes “You’re not pregnant, why do you think you are?” or “You cannot become pregnant with your pants on!” at least once a day to make me relax a bit. So, I know that all these means do not present a pregnancy risk, and I even applied the rules of the “3 No”: “No intercourse”, “No direct contact” and “No semen near the vulva/vagina.” But it’s like my brain won’t accept it. I even have sometimes to read an article out loud to shut off my brain a bit, silencing it from creating weird scenarios.

My girlfriend is one day late, she was suppose to have her period yesterday. I know that the past will remain the past and that cycles are not regular – so I’m really sorry if I’m polluting this forum... But I have huge difficulties to calm my brain right now... My GF isn’t scared (at all) as she said that she already had slightly delayed periods. I have to take sleeping pills because if I can rely on articles or doctor’s advice the day, the night is another story... I have nightmares about all the worst scenarios possible, always leading to my own death.

I just wanted to share... It might sounds quite stupid, but I just needed to talk about this, to see if other people had the same thing. (By the way, sorry for the potential mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.)

[Sam W]

Hi Choka,

You mention you read the "you're not pregnant, why do you think you are" article. When you read that article, were there any explanations in it that jumped out at you as applying to your situation?

[Choka]

Maybe the part about the shame. I always fought that sex wasn't for me or it dad toi much to deal with... like I do not deserve it...

[Sam W]

When you say you thought sex wasn't for you, can you tell me more about that?

[Choka]

Well,... I’ve always wanted to do long studies and I was quite obsessed with the marks I had. My family kept telling me that having a girlfriend was somehow a risk for this and that I had to work really hard to achieve what I wanted. I had a first GF at the age of 18, not lasted long – she cheated on me quite quick. That gave me the feeling I wasn’t just “good” for this, and that I just had to work and study in my life, nothing more, and I dug even further into my studies. Now, I’m 22 and I have who I consider to be my first “real” girlfriend. But it feels like I’m walking on a slack line, like every little intimate moment will lead her to an unexpected pregnancy or a disease, crushing all her efforts and mine and that I’ll definitely be a shame for my family.

[Jacob]

Hi Choka,

It sounds like this is very much a mental health issue and it sounds like you've pinpointed some family dynamics that might have led you to have this anxiety.

Have you sought any counselling before? Or thought that this might be a mental health problem rather than a sexual- health/knowledge issue?

[Choka]

First of all, happy new year to you all.

I took some time away from the computer for the last weeks of 2016, and I kept in mind the last post. During this "break", my girlfriend fell ill - nothing too serious, a kind of viral gastritis - and got cured within a week. But again, my brain played tricks on me. Even if I knew it was just a disease she caught, I found myself waking up early in the morning with my thoughts going at full-speed because some of the symptoms she got (like bloating, reduce appetite and difficulties to digest food) could be related in a way to pregnancy.

But she had a period during 6 days, coming the day or so after it was meant to be happening. And again, I kept repeating myself that we did absolutely nothing that can cause a pregnancy, and I managed to calm myself when she got completly cured. But it's like there's still this "fear" somewhere in my mind, always ready to over-analyse the slightest symptom, I'm even afraid of receiving text messages from her sometimes.

So... with the last post - and even if I never thought of it before - I tend now to think I have something wrong going on in my mind. I don't really know what to do about it right now - I don't have many people to talk about that and I have the feeling I'll be seen as an "attention-seeker" if my family knows that I'm reaching for a specialist.

[Sam W]

Hi Choka,

Happy new year to you as well Can you tell me more about why you think your family would view you seeking help in that way?

It's also worth considering that, even if they do view you seeking help as negative, your mind is really stressing you out right now and you deserve the chance to get help.

[Choka]

Well, I think they would not understand why I would pick a complete stranger to help me and not them... But I tried in the past to talk about my anxieties (for my studies mostly), and it wasn't really successfull.

It's quite hard to explain (I'm sorry if all this is a little confused), but I tried to start a conversation about that not so long ago, and the result was that - for them - going to see a therapist was an efficient way to waste money...

[snailshell]

Here is a great article about asking your parents for help with your mental health: https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/how ... ealth-help

If you're a student, is there a counselor or health center you could talk to? Or a teacher you trust?

Does your family belong to a church, temple, or other spiritual community? Try talking to a leader there about ways for you to get help.

If money is a concern, do you have health insurance? Many insurers have online indexes or phone numbers you can call to get resources about mental health treatment that is covered by the insurance.

You can also try Googling for "youth services" or "youth and family services" in your area to see if there are organizations that can help you work with your parents to get the help you need.

There are also lots of free and low-cost options listed here: https://mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/p ... n-you-cant

[Choka]

Thanks you very much for the links, I'll save the tumblr on my phone.

I'm no longer a student, and I don't have any strong non-familial figure to talk to (the problems of living in the French countryside), but I'll look up with my health insurance.

The thing is, I need to act. It's really exhausting to always think about the same stuff and stressing until I feel my heart crushing against my chest. I really don't know what I would have done without this website and its community.

[Carmen]

Hi Choka,
I am so glad that this website and community have been able to support and help you When you say you need to act now, what actions do you want to take (or already have taken)?
And let us know if there are any other aspects of this situation that you want to talk out.

[Choka]

Well, I haven't a definitive list right now, but the first thing I did, was talking about the problem. Writing it here but also expressing it to myself (it might sounds weird, but putting real words on it and not just thoughts help me rationalize the situation), then I began my search for a therapist in my area, and tried to have a little more of "self-care" to breathe a little.

Okay, I do not want to flood the message board, but I will if I feel overwhelmed. It's good to know there's a place where you can talk!

[Karyn]

No need to worry about flooding the boards, you can post as much as you like! (Because we all have different schedules, there's no guarantee that someone will respond right away, but post as you feel you need to.)

The steps you've already taken sound like a great start, and a therapist is really going to be the best person to help you with what sounds like pretty serious anxiety, so I'd encourage you to keep pursuing that. In the meantime, if you need some strategies to help you get through those anxious moments, this list might be helpful: Self-Care a La Carte

[Choka]

So, I just had a relapse. Everything was going more or less fine for the last couple of days - but again, the date of her period came today, and her period did not start yet. It's still stupid, because all we did between the last period and now was a fellatio (I thought that that "simple" thing with no risk of pregnancy whatsoever would leave my brain in peace... but I was naive I guess.), and nothing else. But I'm here, right now, on my chair, shaking and on the merge of crying with the comeback of the really dark thoughts... She tried to ease my thoughts, but that did not work - and I did not manage to find a therapist yet. I'm lost... As lost as a shaky and shamefull ball of flesh can be...

[Karyn]

I'm sorry you're still having such a rough time with this. Per dealing with your immediate stress, have you tried any of those self-care strategies in the article I linked you to? Figuring out a few things that help you relax when you're feeling particularly anxious can be a big help in making it through until you can get in touch with a therapist.

[Choka]

I tried to dig up some old Legos and Game Boy games I have to sort them and play a little bit with them - and this works a bit when the axiety isn't too strong. But when I have a more serious attack, I just can't do anything, as I will feel "guilty" to try to entertain myself in those moments.

[Sunshine]

I can relate to that... the anxiety-related guilt you describe, I mean.

Don't know if this is useful to you, but sometimes, I feel like all I can do about my own anxiety is just label it as such and wait it out. There are moments where I can't do much either, where it seems hard work to just breathe and walk and not have a crying fit and I find it helpful to tell myself "just hang in there, it will get better, ride it out, it will get better, you've been here before and you've always pulled through, just breathe, yes this sucks, it will get better, just hold on." I used a similar approach during binge eating fits when I was still battling with an eating disorder and found it helpful. Basically, I treat my mental freak-outs a lot like I would really bad physical pain.

I am sure a therapist will be able to help you! Keeping my fingers crossed that you find a good one soon.

[Choka]

I think I have almost the same "dialogue" in my head. But I was use to anxiety linked to studies (ah... prep schools...) but having anxieties linked to sexuality is really something new to me, and sometimes I fail to see the "it will get better" part. Today again, I had another freak-out... My girlfriend had a shorter period, but due to exercice it was very abundant on the two first days, and it's much lighter now (for a total of 4 days). So again, nothing to worry about - but the first reaction was the scare. Again.

I took the decision with her that until I haven't seen someone and I feel better about that, we're not gonna engage any sexual thing, even though they do not represent a risk. Those panick attacks are killing me slowly... Fortunatly, I'm going to see my doctor this week, with the hope that he has good adresses for therapists.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Choka.

I want to say kudos to you for talking to your partner and redefining your limits and boundaries about sex. That is certainly a very hard step to take but one that can help a lot. Listening to ourselves and recognizing and honoring our needs is a very important part of taking care of ourselves.