Sexuality

[mejor_amiga]

Ok so I'm a 17 year old girl who is in her final year of high school. I think I've always felt attraction towards females as well as males but recently it's become more pronounced. I've heard a lot about bisexual hate and it scares me a lot. I feel like I'm still young and I'm scared to define my sexuality.

I haven't come out to anyone in my life but I think I've come out to myself. I'm still new at all this stuff. I haven't really had any sexual experiences (only a kiss with a boy 2 years ago). I've never been in a relationship with a male or female but have experienced crushes towards both. I find myself getting more emotionally attached to females than males though. I think both men and women are sexy and I'm attracted to both, but I don't have any physical experience to back that up. That's one of the reasons I'm scared to come out because I feel my sexuality may change as I am still young.

I have not told my friends about my sexuality nor have I told my family. I'm not really sure how either would react. My mother is acceptive towards LGBT+ people but my father is slightly homophobic. Also I think it's different when it's your own child. One of my cousins is a lesbian and she came out to her family (my auntie and uncle) and they flat out told her no. They legitimately just said no you're not allowed to be. Everyone in my family knows she's a lesbian but we don't talk openly about it. She is now about 35 and is also very unhappy. I'm scared my family will have a similar reaction to me if I come out. Especially because I wouldn't be coming out as gay or straight but as bisexual, which is neither. I'm scared they'll tell me it's just a phase or say things like I'm halfway to becoming a lesbian or stuff like that. Also it's my final year in high school and that's already stressful enough and people in high school can be cruel and hateful.

I have this alter ego (pseudonym) person online who is me but is open about there sexuality. I use this pseudonyms to write my novel on wattpad which features two bisexual woman (romance). No one knows about any of my other accounts because I haven't told them.

I don't really know how my friends will react to me coming out. None of them are hateful towards the LGBT+ community but I know my coming out will change things. I'm worried they won't be comfortable around me in bikinis or in the change room and stuff like that. I don't want our friendships to change but I know it will. I am in no way attracted to any one of them in even the slightest way but I'm scared that after I come out if I hug them or touch them in a friendly way they will misinterpret it and think I like them.

I wanted to know if it's important to come out. I realise that may sound like a stupid question but I really don't know. If I don't come out and openly address my sexuality with my friends and family will that have a negative effect on my life. Do you think that will be bad for my emotional health. I'm personally ok with being attracted to men and women but I don't know if everyone else who matters to me will be. Is it bad if I don't tell them and just wait and see who I get serious with in the future. If I get serious with a woman then of course I'd have to tell my friends and family. Is that a bad plan. I suppose if I end up with a guy I won't really have to come out to my family. That would make things less complicated.

Anyways thank you for talking the time to read through my problems. I am so incredibly confused with my life and your help would be greatly appreciated.

[BeckyH1814]

Hi Mejor_Amiga, I'm Becky,

I appreciate how difficult it is when you find that you're attracted to more than one gender. I've had a good read of your message, and I hope my thoughts are helpful!

A good thing to keep in mind is that you define the label; the label doesn't define you. If bisexual feels like a good label to you right now, that's great! Sexuality can change and develop over time, but accepting how you feel about your identity now is important.

You absolutely don't need any physical experience with a person to back up your sexuality. How you feel is always enough.

I'm reluctant to give you any ''advice'' regarding coming out to your friends and family, because this is something that needs to be done at your own pace. It does sound to me that you're keen to express this part of your identity somehow - hence your pseudonym online.

I can't promise how it will be received; there is a lot of biphobia out there, largely because some people just don't understand bisexuality. Hopefully, your family and friends will ask questions, and you can have an open discussion. You may find that some of your friends even have the same thoughts about their own sexuality.

It is tempting to hope that in the future you will have a hetero-presenting relationship, but if bisexual is still an important part of your identity when or if this happens, you may find that you still want to come out.

I recommend you surround yourself with bisexual narratives, particularly if you feel that you aren't ready to come out but are feeling isolated. Find some fiction (or non-fiction!), or films that feature bisexual protagonists, or bisexual writers. This might help you work through some of your confusion.

Finally, I'd try not to predict what your family and friends may say. They may (and probably will) surprise you in their responses. If you do decide to speak to a friend in real life, tell them what you're concerned about. Be honest with them about your worries, and how you're concerned that it will affect your relationship with them. Talk it out, and allow yourself to be vulnerable - this will allow your friend to be honest and vulnerable too.

Coming out should be as positive experience for you as is possible. You don't have to do it for anyone other than yourself. You don't owe it to your family or friends, or the LGBT community - the most important thing is that you accept your feelings for what they are.

And if you're not sure what you're feeling at the moment, that's ok too.

Peace and love,
Becky

[mejor_amiga]

I've been so confused lately and it's nice to finally talk about it to someone other than myself. I love the idea of being open and proud of who I am but I'm not sure if I'm ready to announce it to the world yet. I don't really even know how I would come out. Do I just bring it up randomly at the dinner table or have a quite chat with a friend. I suppose I'll just have to do what feels right when it feels right. But anyways, thank you so much for your reply Becky. I really appreciate you taking time out of your life to help me.

Much love <3

[Danny S.]

Thanks Becky, that was a great response
In addition to what Becky said, here are some resources I think might help you:
The Art of Getting Bi
Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?
The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone
Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out
Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz

I know it's a lot- you don't have to read all of it! Deciding whether to come out or not is a really personal decision, and we want to make sure you have what you need to make it. Let me know if there's anything else you'd like info on!