Sexual Anatomy?

[kbot321]

I'm 18 years old, 5 7", 175 pounds, and I've just recently started exploring myself sexually in the form of masturbation. It took a long while for me to figure out how to get off, but I just thought it was normal. I'd never located my clit and didn't even think about penetrating myself, but I was able to get off. I have been able to insert a finger. I have an online FWB, and I was telling him how I'd never felt my clit or seen it, and he told me to send him a video of it, so I did. In the video, there is no clit or labia visible when i spread it open, which immediately sent me spiraling into a pit of depression and I have been crying nonstop. He said that it's normal, that some women have things that are set far back within the vagina, but I can't find any pictures online. They all seem to have very prominent, obvious features. He said it's an "innie", but all I found of those show prominent clit and labia. I don t know what to do. I emailed a plastic surgeon to see if I can have a consultation. I'm desperate, because I deem myself completely worthless and unattractive, and the one thing I had going for me was the fact that someone could have sex with me, but now even that is messed up. I feel like, if it's not normal, I should just go ahead and kill myself because there's no point. I just don t know what to do. Is my vagina normal?

[Sam W]

Hi kbot,

First off, if you're feeling like you're going to hurt yourself, you need to go to an emergency room and check in so that you can get the care that you need.

Vaginas come in all sorts of configurations, so there's no such thing as a "normal" vagina. I think reading these two articles would be really helpful for you right now (some of them do refer to people who have larger labia, but the overall point of the articles is that there is no one, true, "good" way for a vagina to be): Give'em Some Lip: Labia That Clearly Ain't Minor
Vagzilla! (Or, All Genitals Great and Small)

I also want to ask, have you ever tried doing a basic self-exam with a mirror to get acquainted with everything down there? Or is the first time you've seen it this photo you took?

Barring something causing you pain, there's no reason to think that the way your genitals look means you can't be sexual with people. But it sounds like you're sort of hard on yourself overall. Are you currently seeing a counselor to talk about some of those feelings, especially the ones that tell you you're worthless?

[kbot321]

I used a mirror once afterwards, but I got very upset so I stopped pretty quickly. My family doesn't really believe in counseling/therapy so I'm not really allowed to go.

[Mo]

One thing that might help is this page of vulva illustrations, taken from the first article Sam linked above, that show some of the variety present in vulvas. There really is SO much variation in what genitals look like, and there's no "best" way for them to be: having labia or a clitoris that look very small *or* large is totally ok.
If someone's giving you a hard time for how your vulva looks that's a pretty clear sign that they're not going to be a great partner, and/or that they don't know much about genital anatomy.

I do think that if you can manage to spend some time taking a look at your own vulva without being upset, it's a helpful thing to do, but don't push yourself too hard to do it if it really is bringing you a lot of distress. You may or may not find this a more comfortable-sounding option, but you could also ask a gynecologist to help point things out to you in a mirror at your next exam.
One more thought: there are websites that have photos of a range of vulvas presented in a nonsexual/educational context; doing a search for something like "nonsexual vulva photos" will bring up some options. I think it might be helpful if you can see not just the wonderful illustrations I linked above but some pictures that show how varied vulvas can be.

[kbot321]

I'm going to check them out. I want to discuss the problem with the gynecologist, but I've never been to one, and I can't find a way to get my parents to allow me to go, because I'm on their insurance. They are against masturbation and refuse to discuss anything sexual, so I can't exactly tell them my problem or how I came to discover it, because they'd just get very mad at me.

[Heather]

Because you are covered by your parents insurance doesn't require you to use it for any of your healthcare. You also can use it without getting their permission for any of your care.

In other words, you can, for instance, make an appointment with a local sexual healthcare provider (like a Planned Parenthood branch, for example), and either a) just use that insurance, or b) make clear to the provider that despite you being a legal adult, your parents don't support reproductive healthcare (assuming that's true, mind, which it doesn't sound like it's 100% safe to assume it is), so you would like to pay on a sliding scale based on your income.

I do also want to just remind you that all of this is just about having a body, rather vague than being about sex. It certainly would be fine if it was about sex, and maybe some of the body image issues you are having here are based in sexual anxiety, but sexual/reproductive healthcare, including the education that care can provide, is something people often need and use just by virtue of having those parts, not just because of sex. And basic reproductive care is also something we all benefit from and will sometimes need even without any kind of sexual life at all.

[kbot321]

I'm going to try to find a way to come up with a reason for my parents to allow me to go, such as that "I read that when you turn 18, you should see a gynecologist, just to get to know them and get an examination." I'm hoping that it'll work. If it doesn't...I'll just wait for when I go to college.

I would go with my insurance card now, but I don't want them to find out about it and I'm pretty sure there's like a notice or listing of what was used.

I also tried to go without insurance, but all the places have treated me like a child, and they say that it's not worth it without insurance. Except plastic surgeons. They were totally down for a consultation. We also don't have a Planned Parenthood branch around here.

[Sam W]

An explanation like that is certainly one way to approach it. If you're not sure what would appear on an insurance statement, you can call the company or the clinic you plan to visit and ask them how or if the visit would appear on a statement.

If there's no Planned Parenthood in the area, are there other clinics offering those services that you know of?

[kbot321]

Yeah. I looked into it. There's only one, but they only have a 0.5/5 rating. The reviews say that they are rude and don't actually care about their patients. They generally just do abortions anyway.

[snailshell]

It's very possible that the low online rating and reviews are from people trying to tear down the clinic and convince people not to go. It's worth walking in and checking out the vibe for yourself - you can just walk out if you don't like it. It's worth trying!

There are also various websites and nurse helplines where you can call and talk to a healthcare provider - they can't do a physical exam over the phone or skype, but if you think just talking to a medical professional might help you understand better what's going on and what your next steps can be.

https://firstopinionapp.com/
https://amwell.com/
https://www.livehealthonline.com/

Here is an article about getting privacy while using parents' insurance: https://www.bedsider.org/features/275-t ... -insurance

You can also ask a "regular," not GYN doctor, about this as well. Go in for a checkup or a physical, and when you are alone with the doctor, talk to them about this concern. They can either help you figure things out, or find a way to refer you for a GYN visit without your parents thinking it's a sex thing.

[Edit: I just realized this is posted in user-to-staff ONLY, but the boards won't let me delete it. Staff, I'm sorry!]

[kbot321]

I appreciate this. I might talk to my doctor. It's just kind of an awkward thing to talk about anyway. Yeah. I might go into the clinic, next time I'm close to it and alone.

[Sam W]

It can definitely feel awkward to talk to a healthcare provider about this, but know that part of their training is to be able to hear this sort of information from patients without it being awkward. We can also help you come up with ways to phrase what you need and what you're worried about, if that's something you'd find helpful.

[kbot321]

That would be very helpful, actually.

[Mo]

So, next time you're in to see your doctor, they'll either ask if you have questions, or you can say at any time during the appointment that you have things to talk about. They should just ask, but you have the right to bring up concerns in your appointment even if the doctor doesn't ask directly if you have any. You can say you have some questions about your sexual anatomy and explain the situation - something like "I was looking at my vulva and felt like I couldn't see my clitoris or labia at all, can you take a look to make sure everything's ok, and help me understand my anatomy a bit better?"

[Mo]

Oh, also - I think this article has a lot of helpful tips for handling medical appointments & talking to doctors, so you may find it to be a good read as you prep for your appointment: Dealing With Doctors: Taking Control of Your Health Care Destiny

[kbot321]

The next time I'm there...I might. I'd just have to do it without my mom there. Thank you so much for the link. The article is a good read and I bookmarked it on my computer.

[Karyn]

Is your mom usually in the room with you for appointments? If so, know that she does not need to be there if you don't want her to be, and it's absolutely okay to ask her to stay in the waiting room (and the doctor should back you up on that).

[kbot321]

She's always in the room with me at the doctor. I just don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her to go.

[Sam W]

Hi Kbot,

If it helps, think of it this way: at a certain point, she would have to learn to stop being in the room with you anyway, because as you get older she won't be part of your medical visits (as a general rule). It's not unkind to ask for time alone with a healthcare provider. Knowing your mom, do you think this is something she'd make a fuss about?

[kbot321]

Yeah. She makes a fuss about everything. My dad and sister are really mean to her, and I've always been the one to stand up for her against them, and she's spending as much time with me as possible before I move out in 6 months. She's just very attached to me.

[Karyn]

That sounds like a lot to deal with. Would you like some help coming up with a way to talk to her about not being in the room during your doctor's visits?

[Heather]

Can I interrupt this to ask why you cannot just make your own appointment, without informing her, period, and go to your healthcare appointment by yourself?

[kbot321]

Help would be nice.

[kbot321]

I'm on my parents insurance, and I don't want them to know.

[Sam W]

If you're going to a healthcare provider, there's no way or reason for them to know the details of why you went. So, you could make and go to an appointment, and if they see it and ask, say you wanted a check-up. With both that route and talking to your mom, a way to frame it would be that you'll be leaving home soon and need to practice doing "adult" things on your own.