newbie who is afraid

[Anomaly]

I've actually followed this site for years and always appreciated its easy to understand information and the manner in which it's presented. I always felt like these topics are discussed in a way that others me, and disrespects my experiences, but that never happens here. I decided to make a forum account to try to see if there were any answers to some important questions I have.

I'm in my mid-late 20s, trans woman (been socially transitioned for almost a year now, medically for ~18 months). I've never had a romantic relationship of any kind, and I always feel so immature because of it. Like everyone else somehow knows something I don't. Or that they're just more deserving. It wreaks havoc on my self esteem. I feel ugly because of it, on top of already being so self-conscious about any tiny masculine features about me. I feel like no man is ever going to want me.

My parents have effectively disowned me. I have very, very little other family. I moved away from home a few years ago, and haven't been able to establish new friends here. So my only friends are a few hours' drive away.

I'm so afraid, and I don't know what to do. I just want to be loved. People who know me say I have a sweet and caring personality, but I feel like nobody will even give me the chance, especially being trans. What can I do? How can I help myself?

[cityofthedead]

It's okay, buddy. I'm glad you like this site. I sure do. I have a full-time male identity, but the feelings and experiences you share here aren't much different from mine, and probably many others in our age groups. Not having ever had romantic/sexual relationships, it's crazy how normal it is to feel confused, disappointed, and inexperienced. The latter maybe true, but you'll have an experience eventually. Whether you're a guy, a girl, a trans leaning towards a guy, a trans leaning towards a girl, or a totally balanced trans, you need to know how to be happy with your body and yourself before you're fit for a serious relationship. If you can't make intimate friends at this time, let alone romantic/sexual partners, you probably will sometime in your life as long as you're fun and friendly to everyone you pass by.

I'm so sorry your family doesn't really seem to love you or care about you. It's usually the healthiest decision not to stick around with people who aren't treating you how you want to be treated. You didn't make a bad choice in moving away from them now that you're a grown woman. There'll be much better people where you live now, honestly, even if there aren't any good people available to you immediately. Just travel around the area, go to places and do things you like, and you'll eventually find some people you'll like, maybe even a beau.

[Mo]

Hi there Anomaly, welcome to Scarleteen. I'm glad you've found our site helpful over the years and that you've found your way here to our message boards, although I'm sorry that what's brought you here has you in such distress right now. I'm especially sorry to hear that your parents haven't been supportive of you.

Dating and finding community can pose extra challenges for trans folks, to be sure. I wish that wasn't true, but alas it often is. Moving to a new place as an adult who isn't in school can make finding a new social circle extra challenging, and being trans can add some complication to that if you're worried about disclosure, people reading you the way you want them to, avoiding transphobic people without necessarily having to ask "how do you feel about trans folks?" the moment you meet them, etc. I have experience with some of this: I'm trans, and my (also!)trans partner and I moved across the country six and a half years ago. It was a challenge, and I'm still trying to create the local community I'd really like to have. I know our situations aren't the same but I sympathize with the extra challenges that a move can create.

Are there any groups for trans folks near you that might at the very least get you in touch with other people? That could include support or social groups for trans women or trans people in general, or women's social/activist/professional groups that are explicitly welcoming to trans women. If you have a local queer community center that might be a place to look for groups. It sounds like it might be helpful in general to focus on building up some local friends or community, plus it might be that people in your area could have some thoughts about dating specific to your area that could be helpful. I know that where I live, for example, okcupid is a dating site that tends to be more trans/queer-friendly than others, so it's one a lot of folks use locally; but that may not be the case where you are.

Some people also find that online communities can be a good source of support, too; I don't know if that's something you've explored but it could be worth looking into you. Most of my online trans community is on twitter; I don't feel like tumblr is a great place for actual discussion but certainly plenty of people do, and I have actually heard some good things about trans spaces on reddit, believe it or not. I have found that having a diverse & vibrant community of trans friends has helped me feel a lot better about myself in a lot of ways; there's an understanding and level of support there that even the most supportive and well-intentioned cis people just can't match.

I've talked more about finding platonic friendships than dating relationships here, I know, and that's because I think having that community of friends is such a great baseline of support no matter what your dating situation is - plus, as much as I hate that this is true, trans women can be at higher risk of abuse or violence when dating and it helps to have friends to offer support. Too, though, expanding your social circle is often a good way to meet potential dating partners!

No matter what I think it's important to say that there really is nothing about being trans that makes you less worthy of love and a good relationship. Dating can be harder, and that sucks, but it's the result of living in a cissexist and transphobic society, and not based on your worth as a person.

[Mo]

(cityofthedead, I appreciate that you wanted to add a supportive comment here - but I think it's important to center transgender voices in this conversation; there are aspects of dating and relationships that are going to be vastly different for trans people and challenges we have to deal with that cisgender folks just don't face.)

[Anomaly]

Are there any groups for trans folks near you that might at the very least get you in touch with other people? That could include support or social groups for trans women or trans people in general, or women's social/activist/professional groups that are explicitly welcoming to trans women. If you have a local queer community center that might be a place to look for groups. It sounds like it might be helpful in general to focus on building up some local friends or community, plus it might be that people in your area could have some thoughts about dating specific to your area that could be helpful. I know that where I live, for example, okcupid is a dating site that tends to be more trans/queer-friendly than others, so it's one a lot of folks use locally; but that may not be the case where you are.

There's one trans group nearby, but it's awfully depressing. I keep going because it's better than nothing, but they don't have much to offer me since they're all more reclusive than I am (and I'm pretty darn reclusive!).

I have done non-LGBT-centric meetups. It was tough, but generally people were good, and it was a hell of a lot less depressing than the trans group. At the very least, I live in a pretty tolerant area of aging hippy types. Though that does mean less people my age. It's too bad, I love it here, I'd hate to have to move just to be loved.

I get very little action on things like okcupid sadly. I absolutely cannot list myself as trans there, lest I get swamped with horrible, horrible people/messages. Better to just keep it quiet and let no one message me at all (or respond to all the messages I send).

I've talked more about finding platonic friendships than dating relationships here, I know, and that's because I think having that community of friends is such a great baseline of support no matter what your dating situation is - plus, as much as I hate that this is true, trans women can be at higher risk of abuse or violence when dating and it helps to have friends to offer support. Too, though, expanding your social circle is often a good way to meet potential dating partners!

Yeah, I know this is what I need to do, and I keep trying my hardest, but I always seem to come up short. In new groups, I tend to be really shy and quiet and it's hard to make new connections stick. Been to a lot of one-shot meetups with people I never talk to again. I'm the kind of person you need to see repeatedly, so I can warm up, and come out of my shell a little bit. In online communities I'm part of, I've done incredibly well. My friends there really believe in me. See me as a great partner for someone. I just never seem to meet my someone in real life.

No matter what I think it's important to say that there really is nothing about being trans that makes you less worthy of love and a good relationship. Dating can be harder, and that sucks, but it's the result of living in a cissexist and transphobic society, and not based on your worth as a person.

Thanks. I know. I have a voice in my head that says horrible things about why no one will ever want me. I don't even get dates. It's hard to hear people saying, "oh dating sucks, but you just have to keep doing it." It might suck, I don't know, I've never really even been on a date. And why bother, honestly? What guy would settle for me when there are plenty of real girls out there

[cityofthedead]

(cityofthedead, I appreciate that you wanted to add a supportive comment here - but I think it's important to center transgender voices in this conversation; there are aspects of dating and relationships that are going to be vastly different for trans people and challenges we have to deal with that cisgender folks just don't face.

Oh damn. Thanks Mo. I'm a cisgender, but I'm certainly not transphobic at all. In my first response to this thread, I was more focused on all-gender dating advice because I wasn't sure she had a problem involving her transgender identity at all. But if she does, I'll be very sorry to know that. I wish I knew how to help anyone, let alone those who are transgender. Despite my username, I always try to be very careful and compassionate here.

Hey there, cityofthedead: just made an edit to language you used in this post that's problematic, but guessing you just don't know that, which is why I'm just slipping in to edit rather than making a federal case out of it. For future reference, we always want to try and do descriptor + person/people, or "those who are <insert part of someone's identity here>" rather than descriptor + s. The latter is just pretty dehumanizing and also reduces someone down to one part of who they are. Thanks! - Heather

[Mo]

Anomaly, I'm glad to hear that you do at least have a good online support system. I know it's not the same to interact with people online as it is in person but it's good that you do have that support. I absolutely hear you on having a hard time connecting in social situations, or needing a little extra time to make those connections. I struggle with that at times too, and I think the only thing to do is keep making that effort, even though it can be tough.

As far as that voice in your head goes, have you ever looked into techniques for combating negative self-talk? It's something you could talk with a counselor or therapist about, if you're able to access that kind of care and if they're explicitly trans-friendly, but there's some information about this online as well.

You are absolutely as real in your gender as any cis person is. And there are men (well, all sort of people but it sounds like you're primarily interested in dating men) who want to date and love and be with trans women - not in a creepy fetishizing way, but just because they see trans women as women. It's not fair that navigating love and relationships is harder for trans folks and I hate that's the case. But I'm going to say it again (I will say this as many times as I need to, for anyone who needs to hear it): the fault isn't on you or a reflection of your inherent lovability. It's a really crappy side-effect of a transphobic world.

[Anomaly]

Thanks, Mo. It's really, really hard to read about relationship stuff, or sex stuff, because it makes me feel so inferior and unwanted. Nobody has ever wanted me that way. What if they never do? To cope, I desexualized myself and called myself asexual.

I don't really know if my hidden transness somehow prevented me from finding love and relationships in my teens and early 20s. Maybe it did. I always knew something was wrong, I just didn't understand how to put the pieces together. Though I assumed I was cis at the time, and still nobody wanted me (tried to date women back then), so even though it would be easy, it's hard for me to blame this on being trans. If anything, I'm genuinely more open to seeing myself as someone's partner now. I feel like it's something I want, instead of something I have to do. I guess lacking that kind of makes it hurt even more now though

I try to personify the voice in my head. So I can yell at it, and visualize it reacting to me standing up to it. It helps a little bit.

[Sam W]

That technique is a great place to start. If you'd like, we can help you come up with some other resources or techniques to work on combating the jerkbrain.

This might feel weird, and it sounds like it's making you feel pretty sucky, but the fact that you've had the chance to work out your feelings and wants around being a partner is actually really great in the long run. When you do encounter people who want to date you, you'll be in an awesome place.

[Anomaly]

That technique is a great place to start. If you'd like, we can help you come up with some other resources or techniques to work on combating the jerkbrain.

Yeah? I don't know why but it's become a real problem lately. My mom is pretty emotionally abusive and that tends to provide a lot of fuel for my jerkbrain.

This might feel weird, and it sounds like it's making you feel pretty sucky, but the fact that you've had the chance to work out your feelings and wants around being a partner is actually really great in the long run. When you do encounter people who want to date you, you'll be in an awesome place.

It definitely doesn't feel like a "when". It feels like an "if". My friends (online and off) always say how sweet I am, and all kinds of positive stuff. I guess I sort of believe it, but it's hard. I keep thinking, "doesn't matter how nice you are, if a guy can't have sex with you in the normal way, then it's all moot." It doesn't help that I see all over the internet everywhere guys saying, "thanks but no thanks." I mean, that's their right of course, and I'd never want to coerce someone to being with me, but it seems to be the universal opinion.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry your mom is that way. Have you found any supports, like community groups or even a counselor, that would give a safe space to process what's going on and offer some messages to counter what your mom is saying?

Have you ever had the chance to read work by trans women who've found supportive and loving partners? If not, doing so might give you some ammunition for silencing those voices.

Edit to add: So you know, you're not the only trans person to express this fear to us. While it sucks that this is a message lots of trans people get, it can help to know that you're not alone in this feelings, and that people who have felt it before you have gone on to find partners who loved them.

[Anomaly]

I'm so sorry your mom is that way. Have you found any supports, like community groups or even a counselor, that would give a safe space to process what's going on and offer some messages to counter what your mom is saying?

I speak with a therapist weekly, so that helps. And I'm independent of my mom. She lives 3 hours away by car. I don't call or interact, but I get letters, emails, sometimes texts...all unprovoked. I do feel like I need to directly confront her and insist that she stop.

Have you ever had the chance to read work by trans women who've found supportive and loving partners? If not, doing so might give you some ammunition for silencing those voices.

Mmm, no not really. I like to watch youtube videos by trans people, but so often the most positive relationships ones are from trans men. It seems like no guy wants to admit being seen as loving a trans woman. Plus I tend to feel like the handful of trans women that do have loving partners are exceptionally pretty. The best I can say about myself is that I pass...generally...sometimes...I think.

Edit to add: So you know, you're not the only trans person to express this fear to us. While it sucks that this is a message lots of trans people get, it can help to know that you're not alone in this feelings, and that people who have felt it before you have gone on to find partners who loved them.

This actually does help to hear. Once my body really started to change, I started feeling so much better about myself, and I wanted to share myself with someone else. I'd never felt that way before. I felt ashamed and stupid for feeling that way. But all my friends have told me it's "basically normal." But what isn't basically normal is that my genitals are wrong. I feel intensely envious of my cis female best friend and how she's able to just be herself. She's already 10 laps ahead of me before I've even gotten on the track.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you've got some distance between you and your mom. Are you in a place where you'd be comfortable drawing even more boundaries between the two of you (like blocking her emails or calls)? Because it sounds like the less she can get those nasty messages to you, the better.

I'd recommend reading "Redefining Realness" by Janet Mock. If memory serves, her first chapter touches on meeting her partner (it's also a good book overall).

What you're describing feeling isn't silly or stupid. You're finally a version of yourself that feels like, well, you and it makes sense that feeling that way would make you feel more comfortable being with someone else. At the same time, I've had friends who are trans women voice a similar feeling of being "behind." So feeling that way by no means makes you silly.

[Anomaly]

I could certainly draw the line with my mom, but I'm scared that doing so will shut down the last remaining anything we have with each other. I'm afraid I'll never have her love again, and that is very scary to me.

Thanks, I'll check that book out.

Will I ever be able to catch up?

[Mo]

Have you talked to your therapist at all about navigating your relationship with your mom? They might be able to help you come up with a plan to confront her and handle whatever may come from that. The advice column Captain Awkward has a lot of content about setting boundaries and otherwise dealing with hostile relatives, and it may be helpful to peruse the archives there to see how other people have handled similar situations.

[Anomaly]

I have talked about that with my therapist...a lot. Unfortunately, I think the relationship is beyond repair at this point. She refuses to acknowledge me as I am, and will come out swinging with slurs and abuse if I give so much as an inch. I'm mostly considering the whole thing over at this point, which is heartbreaking.

I'll have to check out Captain Awkward. I'd actually read a lot of their stuff before, but it was years ago. I didn't realize they had stuff about setting boundaries with relatives like that.

I've often lamented the almost complete lack of resources and information for adult transgender children relating to parents. It's a tough problem I guess and nobody really seems to have good answers.

[Mo]

I know it can be really hard to find support for deciding, as an adult, to cut off a parent or other family member. But it really is ok if that's what you want to do - you don't have to sacrifice your well-being for the concept of "family" and family members don't have the right to be in your life if they refuse to accept you or act abusively.
My long-term partner is mostly estranged from their parents and struggles with it a lot, so I have a lot of experience with being reassuring and saying it's ok to have made that decision. Anytime you need a reminder that you're allowed to hold that boundary with your mom, even if it means no contact at all, I am happy to provide it.

[Anomaly]

It's hard. If my mother doesn't love me, who does?

And so far, the only answers people have are to "try harder" or "move" but at this point I don't have the emotional capital for either of those things. I've been "trying harder" for over a decade now. And in that time, I've moved twice.

How much longer can I keep this up?

[Karyn]

Hi Anomaly: I hope it's okay if I jump in here. I'm sure Mo and/or Sam will have more to say, but I just wanted to mention that as awful as I imagine it feels not to have any love from your mother, it does sound like there are people who love you. Your friends, for instance, online and off, seem like they're really wonderful, supportive people who care about your wellbeing.

Per the suggestions to move, or try harder, are those coming just from friends, or from your therapist as well?

[Anomaly]

I know there are people who care about me, online there are quite a few. And I feel like a total piece of crap that I can't see in myself what they see in me.

Moving and trying harder mostly comes from my brother. I think my friend thinks the same thing, but she's more hesitant to say so, because she'd rather I make my own decision. I wish my brother, instead of telling me what to do, would offer a hug, or to go out for drinks, or just hang without pressure.

My therapist doesn't generally tell me anything one way or another. I told her I didn't want to move again. That I felt like where I am no was the best place for me, and that if I moved to find love, I might find it, but I'd be in a place that I hated (like one of the cities I worked so hard to leave).

[Mo]

Do you think you could say that to your brother? If he starts offering advice again, maybe you could say something like "I know you're coming from a good place but right now when I'm spending time with you, I'd rather just enjoy our time together and hang out in a low-pressure way instead of feeling like you're trying to fix things for me. Could we just have an advice-free visit today?" Sometimes people offer advice when they want to be helpful but don't know what to do, and trying to redirect that impulse to an activity that you actually would find helpful can be enough to nudge their behavior away from unwanted advice-giving.

[Anomaly]

People have suggested I just tell my brother that, but I don't want to offend him. I know he's trying to help.

But it really would help me so much more if his answer was to help take my mind off whatever is getting me down. Because that's the problem. I get stuck in my head, and only get these amorphous long-term solutions, and I just stay in that bad place bumbling around the bottom. It's why I held it together so much better in high school, even though my circumstances were worse, and I hadn't transitioned yet. Everything going to hell? My friend would come over and we'd go do something mindless and random, from driving through the bad parts of town to checking out new cars (we had no intention of buying) at a dealership.

I think maybe I will bring it up to him. He may really not know.