Boyfriend just told me he's bi?

[Eve]

Hi guys,

So basically, about 2 days ago, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he's bi. It didnt seem like a big deal to him, as he only finds men attractive in an emotional way.

However, I can't seem to accept it. I want to be okay with it, but over the past 2 days ive been feeling very insecure and paranoid, I feel as if he's going to leave me for a man, or later on realise he's gay. All of this might sound stupid, but I just can't get it out of my head.

He keeps telling me that he still loves me just the same and that I need to stop being paranoid but I just dont know what to do with myself and how to handle it.

Any help much appreciated.

[Heather]

Hey there, Eve.

Can I ask if, when you assumed he was heterosexual, you felt worried he'd leave you for another woman? If not, why do you think you weren't worried about him leaving you then, but you are now? In other words, why do you think you are feeling like him, essentially, just being potentially attracted to a larger array of people than you thought he was would make it more likely he'd leave than being potentially attracted to only women would?

Sexuality is fluid. So, by all means, people's orientations can change over time. But the idea bisexuality is like some kind of gateway drug to homosexuality is a stereotype, and one based in bias about and fear of those of us who are bisexual, not based in fact. That's no more true or sound than suggesting that say, someone heterosexual or homosexual might realize they're bisexual because they have those orientations. In reality, he, or you, or anyone, may have an orientation shift at some time in their lives, but being of a certain orientation doesn't make that any more or less likely.

Can I ask if you know anyone else, in your life, who is bisexual? Or is this the first time you've been close to someone who is?

I wonder, too, if you can realize that nothing has changed about him as a person. In other words, he's the same person he was before he told you this. Were you worried about any of these things before he told you? If not, can you perhaps think a bit about how nothing has changed here -- except that you now just know something about him you didn't before, something that has likely always been true about him?

Lastly, it might help to focus less on how you WANT to feel, and more on how you DO feel. Do you feel like you're someone who can deal with dating someone who isn't heterosexual? Do you want to? If you do want to, and want to keep dating this person who is bisexual, what do you feel like you'd need for that to be okay for you?

[Eve]

Thanks for the fast response.

I keep telling myself that he's the same person hes always been, that he's no more likely to leave me, but my brain just can't seem to accept that.
This is the first time I've known anyone close to me come out as bisexual, I'm in no ways against it, its just all new for me, never been in any similar situation.
I want to be someone who can deal with it, I would never want to end the relationship, I just feel like I'm having a hard time adjusting my feelings.

[Heather]

One thing I would do is first give yourself some room: this is brand-new for you. Brand-new as an experience in general, with anyone, and brand-new with your boyfriend, including it only being a couple days since he came out to you. You're allowed to not have the "perfect" feelings or responses (hint: there really aren't any, just some ways of responding or thinking that either aren't kind or are based in bias). You're allowed to need time to process this and figure out what you need around it. Okay?

That said, how can I/we help? Do you feel like, for instance, some of why this is so daunting is that you need more information about being bisexual and bisexuality? Might you need somewhere to just put out all those worries and insecurities here where you can see them, then get some help/support/facts to walk you through them and unpack them? If this feels like something he knew for a long time and kept from you, and that alone -- not even what he told you, exactly -- is hurting (which isn't always malicious, but even when it's not, it can feel hurtful), do you want to talk about that? Do you want help figuring out how to process this with him now, and how to talk about your feelings with him right now?

Or...something else? Let's figure out what you need right now that we can help with and take it from there.

[Eve]

I feel like I just need the reassurance that he's not going I leave me, or get bored of me. It makes things 10x harder when I have to take into account the fact that he has aspergers, so talking about his feelings is really challenging.
At the moment, I do feel quite uneducated with what bisexuality entails, he says he only feels emotionally attracted to men, which I find quite hard to understand.
I don't think it's the fact he didn't tell me sooner, as he hasn't known for long.
I really want to just know where I stand in the relationship now, and what I can say to him.

[Heather]

Okay. You know, here's what I'd say about that: you're young, so the chance of you two staying together in this way for a long-long time? It's not very high, period, and I don't say that to be a jerk. People often outgrow each other with early relationships: in a lot of ways, that's kind of likely what they are for.

My point is that he may or may not leave you or outgrow you -- or you him -- but chances are that that being based only on his orientation are mighty unlikely. Again, no more likely than were he heterosexual, where that orientation -- being attracted to women, in his case -- could have meant he found another woman he wanted to be with instead of you, you know? And no matter our age, or people's orientations, partners may leave, or we may leave them. Relationships change over time, it's just a thing, and many are temporary rather than lifelong.

In other words, I can't reassure you that you OR he won't end your relationship, or find it feels like it's ended. No matter what your age was, I couldn't, because relationships change and end all the time, even if they tend to do so more quickly, in general, in our early relationships. But what I can tell you soundly is that him leaving you BECAUSE he is bisexual is no more likely than him leaving you for any other possible reason people move on from each other, you know?

And he can't give you that reassurance either, no more than I likely could, because people just can't see the future like that, including him OR you. But what he probably can do, which it sounds like he did, is make clear his bisexuality or coming out to you hasn't changed his investment in or commitment to you. (In fact, the fact that he came out to you makes pretty clear he's committed to you and feels you are very important: coming out can be really hard, especially to partners, so when people do, it tends to say a lot about the value they have for the person they're coming out to.)

Then you just need to sort out why you don't believe it when he says that, should those feelings keep up -- again, this is new, and you may feel a lot better even in just a few days, or at least more clear), and figure out what you need to be able to trust in what he's telling you.

[Heather]

In terms of getting you started with some facts, we have a lot about bisexuality here on the site. If you search with the tab bisexual, you can find a bunch: http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/bisexual

There's an advice column I also think is pertinent to one of the things it sounds like you feel lost about: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _and_women

Too, a great report on bisexuality was just compiled and published in the UK by the Open University which I think is an excellent overview for folks who need some basics, including a lot of great mythbusting. That's here: http://www.open.ac.uk/ccig/files/ccig/T ... b.2012.pdf

[Eve]

Thanks so much for your help Heather, I'll be sure to give those articles a read.

[Heather]

Sure thing. Also happy to talk some more or answer more questions or concerns if they come up.