My mom doesn't trust me

[Lapisslazuli]

So this is a very long, complicated story, but it's a very stressful thing for me. So back in December I had sex for the first time. I'm 14. I had secretly bought a few condoms because I didn't want my mom to know about my sexuality yet, and because I was taking percautions and safety in mind at all times I didn't see a reason to tell her yet. She would constantly prod and ask me questions about me and my boyfriend and I would be nervous and say that I wouldn't do anything sexual. My mom is very hard on me at times and very strict and angry a lot. This is why I was so worried to open up to her. A few weeks later I was going to be picked up by my boyfriends mom. I had condoms in my bag and a pair of shoes. This is when that bag was stolen and all the contents spilt out without my knowing. A teacher reported it and I was in the principals office all day. I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief. I knew my peers, teacher, principal, and especially parents wouldn't look at me the same again. My mother was yelling at me and threatening to take me to the doctor's to see if I was still a virgin. She grounded me from seeing him a couple weeks, and went through everything on my phone. She was very disappointed, and she has even more extreme trust issues with me now. Since then it's gotten better though and I continue to have safe sex, my boyfriends mom knows we have sex, but my mom does not. I'm so afraid to tell her even though she asks all the time. I know she would punish me. I just want some advice on what to do. I feel like she hates me, and I have to do everything in secret.

[Sam W]

Hi Lapis,

I'm sorry to hear your mom is acting this way and that it's making you stressed and afraid. When you say this has increased her trust issues, are there other things she distrusts you about? Or are those issues focused on your sexual behavior?

If you think her knowing would lead to further punishment, what would be the most helpful thing we could do for you? For example, we could talk about how to deal with her constant asking about whether you're sexually active (we can't really come up with a way to guarantee she won't find out, because there's simply no way to do that).

In case you were worried about it, she can't take you to a doctor to check to see if you're still a virgin because that's not something they can test for. You can read more about why that is here: You Can't Test For Virginity