Porn: My boyfriend's view and my view.

[Arasia]

When it comes to pornography, my boyfriend and I have very different viewpoints. He does not watch porn now (and I wouldn't have started dating him if he did), but he used to in middle and high school. Basically, I am quite religious, and he is an atheist, and our differing opinions of porn come from that. I feel very strongly that porn is this destructive, unhealthy, and terrible thing. His viewpoint is neutral--that porn isn't a good or bad thing, and that it's only unhealthy if the person using it, does so in an unhealthy manner.
Since he doesn't view porn negatively, he is not uncomfortable talking about it. He'll tell stories about the silly things he did in adolescence, to get away with watching porn; or talk about the weirdest or grossest porn he ever saw... stuff like that. And my views about porn are just so negative.. hearing anybody talk about porn makes me internally cringe a bit. But hearing my boyfriend talk about it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I want to be reasonable in how I deal with this. I don't want to make him feel judged, but at the same time I don't like hearing about his teenage porn-watching. I don't want to make him feel like he cannot talk about certain things, but I do not like topics revolving around porn. It is hard for me to know what actions I should take, because porn is such an emotionally charged topic for me. I would prefer to never hear about it and never think about it, but I also feel like that's not entirely logical. I'm never going to think porn is OK, but I know something in my thinking needs to change.

[Heather]

Before I say anything else, I'm curious to know if you feel like dating someone who does have this view on pornography, and for whom porn is a part of their sexual life, is something that you want and feel like you can handle. If it's not something you want, does it feel like something where you can learn to be a bit more flexible in your thinking and reactions and want to because this person and relationship offer you other things you want that make compromise with this feel worth it?

After all, it is optional to be in a sexual and/or romantic relationship with someone with views and experiences with this so radically different from yours; you could instead choose to date people who share your views and feelings instead.

[Arasia]

I've been in this relationship for almost a year now, and I can say it's been completely wonderful--and we have had no issue with our differing views--about 99% of the time. The relationship has required that we communicate very clearly and often, from the beginning, so that we can understand one another's mindset. Whereas a relationship between two people of similar worldviews might go smoothly with less communication, lots of communication is necessary for ours. We realized that going in, and so far everything has gone very well.
I would never be comfortable in a relationship with someone who actively watches porn--that's one area I'm not willing to compromise. However, that is not an issue with my boyfriend. In terms of becoming more flexible in my thinking and reactions, so that I am more comfortable when he talks about something porn-related, then yes I am willing to work on that.
Other than this guy, I've never dated anyone in my life. Through high school and the first couple years of college, I tried seeking out people of my religious views, but I was never able to form a connection with any of them. My boyfriend, on the other hand, we connected instantly in pretty much every area except religious views. We were best friends for about a year and a half before deciding to date. By this point, we're looking at marriage a couple years down the road. So yes, I love this person deeply, and am willing to compromise to make things work.
In terms of porn specifically, I'm always going to view it as bad. But if I can temper my emotions and reactions to it, and get to a point where I feel more secure about it--without compromising my core beliefs--then yes that's something I'd want to do.

[Karyn]

Hi Arasia, sorry it's taken a couple of days for someone to pick this up with you.

Thanks for clarifying how you feel about your relationship outside of this one topic; it sounds like the two of you have a really solid relationship and good communication, which is really helpful when working out how to compromise on any issue where you have differing views.

In terms of how to move forward, I think there are a couple of pieces on the site that might be helpful, but before I suggest anything, I'm wondering if you could tell me a bit more about what specific objections you have to porn?

[Arasia]

Within my religion, we believe that sexuality is reserved for marriage. The theology is that, for a person to reach the highest level of eternal progress, they need to have one married partner of the opposite sex, to reach that level with them. Basically it's the idea that men and women complete each other. Sex is viewed as a symbol of this "eternal partnership" with the one other person, and we believe it is only appropriate to express one's sexuality with one's married partner.
In our religion, porn is seen as extremely degrading to sex and sexuality--which we consider a sacred act. We believe that it not only takes away the sacredness of sex, but that it robs people of their ability to commune spiritually, and feel spiritual impressions from God. Within a relationship or marriage, porn use by one or both partners is viewed almost akin to infidelity.
To sum all this rambling up, I view porn as a debasement of what I consider sacred. My objection to it is tied into my views about where sex is appropriate and what sex is for--beyond pleasure and/or reproduction. I think my extreme discomfort with porn is because I view it as sacrilege. It is a frequent point of discussion in my Church's media, and the Church constantly stresses concepts like, that porn twists any destroys relationships, porn skews people's perceptions of sex, that it is dangerous.
This viewpoint of mine is so different from my boyfriend's--that I don't know how to explain to him why porn makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel that a long ramble about my religion's theology, as I have given here, would be appropriate or very practical; but I also don't know how to communicate my objection more simply.

[Carmen]

Hi Arasia,

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with your boyfriend about these kind of thoughts regarding porn? I think giving him some history and background on why porn makes you feel so uncomfortable could help him understand - even if it does feel like a ramble to you. I find it is always helpful when a partner tries to explain what's going on inside their head - even if it is hard to understand! Is starting a conversation with him about your thoughts on porn something you'd like to explore?

[Arasia]

I would like to discuss it with him. He often stresses to me that if I need to talk about anything, he wants me to communicate with him. So, I do not think he would react badly--he would want me to talk to him about this. But, I have a lot of anxiety about hurting his feelings or making him uncomfortable--because my viewpoint on this is so completely alien to him. I realize my anxiety isn't totally logical. I do have a mild anxiety disorder, and in this scenario I'm finding that anxiety challenging to overcome.

[Mo]

I know you said in an earlier post that you don't want your boyfriend to feel judged, but I think it's ok to ask him not to tell you those porn stories or escapades since they make you feel so upset. It's great that you don't want to hurt his feelings or upset them, but still it's important to discuss things that are important to you. Avoiding a tough conversation because you don't want to hurt your boyfriend's feelings won't make the feelings you have right now go away; I think it's going to be better to have that conversation so you can work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

You could say something like "I'm not saying this to judge your habits or make you feel bad, but when you talk about watching porn, even in the past, I wind up feeling upset. What's done is done, but could you not tell me those stories anymore? I'd feel a lot better if I didn't hear them."