Family life going crazy for virginity

[Nguyen Huu Tien]

hi Ms. Heather

I'm so stressed 'cause of my family matter. I'm 31 yr old man that has just got marriage. My wife is 30.we have just married 3 months ago. we are from Viet nam. we were in a relationship for 6months, during that time i ask for sex but my now wife refused. we only have outside touch ( i mean masturbation for each other - 3times/ week.). 2 day prior to weddingnight, after foreplay, I try to make P in V sex but she said she's hurt and close her legs after i put my P a little bit inside ( 2-3 cm) her. then I try to stimulate her but there's no more lubricant out so we stop. on wedding day I did it gently, we did it but she is not shouting like last time and i felt the vagina is tight, but not very hard to insert as the last time 2 day before. but we see no blood. both of us suprised, she also doesn't know why there's no blood. Before, she often said she is hearing some friends said it is hurt and much blood on first intercourse.
From then on, I try to search info and know that not all bleed. but I can't make up my mind out of the question spinning in my head that how to tell if she is really a virgin. it made me sick and angry, crazy, affecting our relationship. my wife also said she has no injury from childhood or being in trouble like raping or smt else that could damage the hymen.

Pls help me out of this hell, how to say for sure she is V. help

[Sam W]

Hi there,

The truth is, there is no way to tell if someone is a virgin other than asking them. You can read about why that is here: You Can't Test For Virginity
In fact, virginity is not even one, agreed upon thing. Some people define virginity as not having engaged in penetration, others as not having engaged in anything sexual, and others as something else entirely. It's an idea rather than a physical thing.

I think there are two important things to ask yourself right now: one is why you feel you need any "evidence" of her sexual history beyond what she tells you. The other is why feeling doubt as to her history leave you feeling like you're in hell.

As an aside, it's good to know that sex is not supposed to be painful or cause bleeding the first time, or any time. Does it happen some first times because of tension and a lack of lubrication? Yes. But if sex is painful for one or both people involved, that's a sign that something needs to change. You can read about how to prevent painful sex here: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse