Meaningless jealousy?

[kindascared]

Hello!
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 3 months now.
A couple months ago, he started hanging out with some friends, one of which is a girl. We'll call her Jessica. Well he and Jessica recently did a photo shoot together for a friend's portfolio.
He said the shoot was totally platonic, but some of the poses were a little too close for my comfort.
He knew I didn't like it, because I expressed my feelings to him. But, I finally came to terms with it and accepted it for what it was.

Yesterday (Valentine's day), we didn't get to see each other because he had to work. Which was no big deal for me!
He also has to work today after class so we decided to just have our Valentine's date on Friday night.

Tomorrow night just happens to be the opening of a play that Jessica is directing.
I asked him if he was working tomorrow and he said no. So his Thursday is totally free.
Should I be worried that he's going to the play?
Or am I just being irrational?
Is it even a big deal if he did go to the play?
HELP.

[Karyn]

People in relationships of all genders have friends of all genders, and spend time with those friends without compromising their romantic relationships. Can I ask, when he seems to have made it clear that he has no romantic or sexual feelings for this person, why you think you might be having trouble accepting that?

[kindascared]

I feel like I may have a serious problem with jealousy. I thought I was being a bit irrational about the whole thing. Because I do trust him and I don't think he would do anything to hurt me, but at the same time, I don't particularly like this girl.

[Karyn]

Jealousy is something that a lot of people experience, and it can be hard to shake even when you know it isn't really rational. At the same time, it can actually be useful: sometimes insecurity in ourselves or our relationships can manifest as jealousy, and digging into what seems like a jealous feeling can help us figure out where our relationships or self-esteem might need some work. If you haven't seen it already, this piece might be really useful for you: Jealousy: Making Friends With a Green-Eyed Monster.

[kindascared]

Thank you so much!

So it's been a little while and we've made plans to see each other tomorrow. He said he would come over for a "little bit".
But never said why. And every time I bring it up, he seems to be avoiding the topic.
Should I just straight up as him if he's going to her play?

[Carmen]

Hi kindascared,

It sounds like you are still dealing with uncertainty or jealousy regarding the relationship. Have you thought about any potential ways that this jealousy could be something else (manifesting itself into the feelings of jealousy, like Karyn explained)?
And have you thought about any ways you might be comfortable talking about this with your boyfriend?

[kindascared]

I think it's honestly just me being jealous of her.
And scared that she has something he'll leave me for.
I don't know how to bring that up with him though.

[Carmen]

I want to tackle this idea of being jealous of her - because I think it is never as simple as that. Jealousy is like a signal that something is off, that something is making you uncomfortable or not completely safe in your relationship. Maybe it is a lack of trust, an insecurity, a need or want that is not being met, and/or a trigger from something that has happened in our lives. Do any of those resonante with you?

[kindascared]

With my last serious boyfriend, I was very jealous of a girl. And I had a reason to be because he was cheating on me with her.
So that's probably an underlying reason.
I'm also very insecure because I'm super quiet and reserved and this girl is very outspoken and outgoing and everything that I'm not.

[Jacob]

Hi kindascared!

That certainly sounds like it might lead to feeling more worries in future relationships! I'm sorry that breach of trust happened.

I think saying you feel insecure is really valid and I think it's really useful for you to talk about that. Many of us feel like that but it's difficult to say.

I'd say it's not your responsibility to feel jealous or not feel jealous... and even jealousy can mean lots of things. It can mean feeling scared, feeling angry, feeling uncomfortable, feeling suspicious.

So when you said you had a 'reason' to be jealous, and that you're insecure, you are sort of saying that *because* you are quiet and reserved and yourself, that your partners might betray you in some way.

But, that's not true. It's not your fault. Your ex, breaking relationship agreements you had, or agreements you both guessed were there, could be much more about his feelings about that person, the ways he wasn't able to communicate how he was feeling and how to negotiate that with you. Maybe this relationship wasn't right for him or you, but if you didn't get a chance to discuss it and it just happens that's going to be really painful.

So maybe some good questions to ask is how you two are communicating. Have you talked about how you might deal with it if you guys become unhappy in the relationship or if one of you has a crush outside of the relationship... is that something you feel you could share with eachother?

For sure, if someone hurts you you get to feel angry.

But if you can feel that he would come to you if something was up, then maybe that would help you feel at ease the rest of the time.

[kindascared]

Thanks for responding!

We haven't talked about what would happen in our relationship.
In all honesty, he never really formally asked me to be his girlfriend. One day we were with his friends and he introduced me as his girlfriend. So that was confusing for me.

But I do know he doesn't want to be with anyone else, because he told me so. But I still have this underlying suspicion. And I don't know if it's all in my head or if it's justifiable.

[Sam W]

It sounds like, then, a thing to try would be for you two to have a conversation where you talk openly about your expectations and hopes for the relationship. That might give you a more solid foundation under your feet, which could help cut down some of that underlying worry. We've got some tools that might help:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship