How to move on from the past relationship mistakes, regarding sex?

[Jk2911]

I feel sad and discouraged. I couldn't have normal sex with my now ex.

The problem? Well it was me. I couldn't sustain an erection. I made a big deal out of it. We didn't talk about it. She tried to comfort, i didnt listen. I shut off, and sex didnt continue(how stupid and selfish from me) I felt unmanly and eventually after some tries she felt it was her, i didnt told her she wasnt. We were both in our heads full of worries, not discussing it or sex at all. I acted very frustrated and humiliated. Sex discussion was a taboo and a awkward thing. It were my first times, so i should have expected these things to happen. But i didnt. Firstly, no one had ever told me that first times might go this way, i was dislusional. Second, my friends never mentioned their "bad" experiences, so i never told anyone, because of fear of embarrasament. Also not to my mom or anyone, the same reason. I worried about my dick size, because of porn and society and other things, which contributed to my anxiety. I gave myself huge expectations. We didnt talk sex during sex. I was a compulsive porn watcher/addict. We didnt tried many times. Maybe I rushed with sex(after being together for 1,5 weeks) and not talking about before hand. Maybe I wasnt comfortable, i had self-image issues about my penis. I felt hugely anxious when sex might have been coming. I didnt go in with confidence, i didnt consider it with confidence. The worst part, is i masturbated and watched porn instead, without her knowing. Also not talking about it or sex overall was the second. She tried to be calm and supportive, but my reactions and behavior, made her also insecure. But she was a pretty girl. We didnt manage to have PIV, only oral. The sex we had was rushed, trying to penetrate before my erection faded. I know we should have taken time with it, because we had no rush actually. She also felt tensed and her vagina tensed up aswell. We didnt managed to try more and more because i have limited living conditions with few privacy. Also anxiety, kept me from doing often as i made excuses to myself that we have no privacy or whatever. All bad and stupid behaviors. Maybe i took sex too seriously in that state...

But i was obnoxious and stupid. My friends managed to get through their troubles, because well they didnt make a big deal out of it, like i did. I just feel inadequate and stupid for how i was, like i was living under a rock, without common sense about it. Maybe i took the problem too personal, maybe i have PIED and desensitization. I acted so dramatically and she felt it too. Sex was stressful and intimacy suffered because of it. I had shitty coping mechanisms. The wrong ones. Anyway now i am all by myself, looking her at school and feeling like shit everytime i see her. She has moved on, i havent. Sex was one of the reasons probably why we broke up, because it cremaybe.Just disastrous memories...

What to do? I dont know how to move on with myself and i feel just shit, because she was an attractive and things would have definetly been much better If would have been more patient, laidback and calm about it and educated myself. Now im depressed, guilty and regretful. I beat myself up because of it. Only my few close friends knows about it, all else think i managed to do it. I feel embarrased and fucking shameful about it. I really hate myself and i feel so shit over it. Like, why me? Did it have to be like it was? Now i obsessively read about sex and educate myself on sex, without feeling relaxed. Like im trying to make up for lost time or something. But i know that is not the point. What should I do the next relationship? Maybe right now, Im also too obsessed and worried? The first right now, is getting rid of porn once for all. I have learned so much about sex and about relationships overall, so maybe that is one positive experience about it. It opened my eyes... Anyway any advice or anything to make the most out of it?

[Jacob]

Oh Jk!

I'm so moved to read all this. It sounds you are really struggling with some very low self esteem.

It's not on us to do everything right when we start having relationships, or put pressure on our bodies to behave a certain way. You deserve a lot more more self-care and self-acceptance than you are feeling able to give yourself at the moment. You sound like a thoughtful person with enough self caring to come here find your way out of some very difficult feelings. I hope I can help a little!

You don't need to berate yourself for having porn in your life, so long as you aren't harming anyone, and it's not so compulsive that you aren't able to function at all.

That said it might feel stressful or uncomfortable or compulsive if you are already feeling bad about yourself. Masturbation and orgasm are things that make our bodies feel pleasure.. Given how much pain you are in, of course you'd want to feel good or better. There is nothing wrong with that! If anything it comes from a really good place.

Everything you describe is also very common problems for first-time sex. A search of our website will probably reveal as much! Sadly we don't as a society talk about things enough and are sex is often depicted as a smooth romantic exagerated thing, rather than an awkward, clumsy, funny and intimate thing which is very often can be. It can be easy to get the impression that everybody else's sex follows a script which ours should too. But that's not the case.

Have you ever thought about speaking to a counsellor/doctor or someone about these feelings?

It sounds like this could be a really good time to work on yourself, and holding off on relationships as you suggest could be a great way to give yourself a break from having to think about partnered stuff, while doing some self-care.

Would you like to take a read of these to get started? -

Self-Care a La Carte
Self-Care When It's Scary

[Jk2911]

Yeah, i am really thankful for this advice . Cheers

[Jk2911]

Oh Jk!

I'm so moved to read all this. It sounds you are really struggling with some very low self esteem.

It's not on us to do everything right when we start having relationships, or put pressure on our bodies to behave a certain way. You deserve a lot more more self-care and self-acceptance than you are feeling able to give yourself at the moment. You sound like a thoughtful person with enough self caring to come here find your way out of some very difficult feelings. I hope I can help a little!

You don't need to berate yourself for having porn in your life, so long as you aren't harming anyone, and it's not so compulsive that you aren't able to function at all.

That said it might feel stressful or uncomfortable or compulsive if you are already feeling bad about yourself. Masturbation and orgasm are things that make our bodies feel pleasure.. Given how much pain you are in, of course you'd want to feel good or better. There is nothing wrong with that! If anything it comes from a really good place.

Everything you describe is also very common problems for first-time sex. A search of our website will probably reveal as much! Sadly we don't as a society talk about things enough and are sex is often depicted as a smooth romantic exagerated thing, rather than an awkward, clumsy, funny and intimate thing which is very often can be. It can be easy to get the impression that everybody else's sex follows a script which ours should too. But that's not the case.

Have you ever thought about speaking to a counsellor/doctor or someone about these feelings?

It sounds like this could be a really good time to work on yourself, and holding off on relationships as you suggest could be a great way to give yourself a break from having to think about partnered stuff, while doing some self-care.

Would you like to take a read of these to get started? -

Self-Care a La Carte
Self-Care When It's Scary

What can i do about my performance anxiety and penis size worries? Thanks

[Karyn]

There are a couple of pieces that might be useful to read as a start:
Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown
ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

Too, as Jacob suggested, a therapist or counsellor could be helpful if you're finding that you just can't let go of these worries, and they're feeling like they interfere with your ability to focus on other things.

[Jk2911]

There are a couple of pieces that might be useful to read as a start:
Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown
ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

Too, as Jacob suggested, a therapist or counsellor could be helpful if you're finding that you just can't let go of these worries, and they're feeling like they interfere with your ability to focus on other things.

Well yeah maybe the first relationship i rushed for the sex and could have waited for it or discussed it before hand but yeah now Im smarter. And also did it, to show some affection towards her, eventhough i felt anxious, that she wont feel unloved or that i care or something.

[Jk2911]

There are a couple of pieces that might be useful to read as a start:
Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown
ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

Too, as Jacob suggested, a therapist or counsellor could be helpful if you're finding that you just can't let go of these worries, and they're feeling like they interfere with your ability to focus on other things.

But really thanks , i really needed this . Now i just want to get over her, for good, and keep on going. Any advice to move on for good?

[Jk2911]

Pppp

[Mo]

I think this article about dealing with breakups might be helpful to read, for some thoughts on how to move forward: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking