Wanting to move on, for good

[Jk2911]

I just cant move on. It has been a while since we broke up, even too long for it to bother me( i probably should have been moved on by now) and yet it is still bothering me, well because i feel it is my fault we broke up, because how i behaved, acted and what affection i showed towards her. I have beaten myself up because of it. She was and attractive and a sweet girl(maybe Im just putting her on a pedestal). She left me. She did her all and i feel i was just stupid and immature and i didnt give my all to make it work, so it bothers. I feel like an idiot and am really self-hatred to myself. I had my anxieties back then aswell. It is so hard to see her with a new guy and etc.

She has moved on with a new bf, i havent, i dont know how to forgive myself. I dont even know honestly If i miss her or that i just feel self-pity. I have to see her everyday in school and that just makes it harder. I want to move on but those feelings of the past and the dwelling just holds me back from being happy overall. The feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, shame and embarrasment of my past behaviors, actions, personality and etc. are still present. Just make me feel so bad. Yes i have learned my lessons and from my mistakes but still it holds me back and that just drains my soul.

Any advice? Should stay away from dating still? Or something else? Everything is appreciated thanks. I just want to move on for good that it wont pop up or drain my emotions and etc. I dont want to let it affect me, me seeing her or with her bf and just to feel neutral again and wont care anymore. So yeah any advice from own experiences or what could help? Maybe i fear If letting it go or to move on, that is why it bothers me even longer than the relationship lasted? That i cant cope or something or that i Will be stronger If i hold on to it or something... But i want to move on

[Sam W]

Hi jk2911,

It sounds like this break-up has had some really rough effects on you. If you haven't already, this article may have some useful tips in it: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

As far as whether or not to stay away from dating, that depends on what you feel like you can handle right now. If you're ready to move on, it could help you do so. But you may not be in that place yet. In the time since the break-up, how much time have you spent cultivating the other close relationships in your life, with friends, family, or even with yourself?

[Jk2911]

I have spent lots of time cultivating with my friend and my brother, dont really have a family to spend time with and with myself only gym and stuff, but yeah i try to take everything with me that i have learned, but i just dont want to see her, but i have to... And try to learn from my mistakes and gain new knowledge and develop my perspectives.

[Sam W]

I think something that might help is to figure out what concrete actions you can take that show you've learned and grown from this experience. It's great to evaluate mistakes we've made, but if we don't take steps to adjust how you live your life, your brain can get stuck in a shame-loop. What are some things you feel like you've learned?

With seeing her, how much ability do you have to avoid coming in to contact with her?

[Jk2911]

I do everything i can not to see her or anything as staying in the class when there is ressess(idk how to write it) and yeah that is about it and i usually know what class she Will be so i avoid going that way.
By learning, I have learned lot about intimate and sexual relationships and what should i do to keep them healthier longer than it was back then. I have learned about sex, relationships what they mean, what should be done next time, how much affection should i show or how to deal with problems such as clear and understanding communication. I can write a long list of things i have learned in hindsight, what would i do differently and better, how to behave, act and be more mature and cognitive and rational. Try to solve problems as soon as possible and just spend more time with my next SO. And i have learned about myself, what habits, ideas, approaches should i change and what should i do differently in a relationship and on and on. Like i said, a long list.

[Mo]

I think learning from mistakes and taking those lessons to heart in the future is one of the best things you can do moving forward. "Moving on" from something doesn't mean you can't think about it or be impacted by it; instead I'd say it means that thing is less and less of a focus of your thoughts as time goes on, and eventually is less painful or stressful to think about. Time is a big part of that, so it's good to be patient with yourself if you can. If you find yourself thinking too much about the relationship and feeling really caught up in regret or what-ifs, then it might be time to find something distracting to jump into for a bit.

[Jk2911]

I think learning from mistakes and taking those lessons to heart in the future is one of the best things you can do moving forward. "Moving on" from something doesn't mean you can't think about it or be impacted by it; instead I'd say it means that thing is less and less of a focus of your thoughts as time goes on, and eventually is less painful or stressful to think about. Time is a big part of that, so it's good to be patient with yourself if you can. If you find yourself thinking too much about the relationship and feeling really caught up in regret or what-ifs, then it might be time to find something distracting to jump into for a bit.

Thanks you are right, just have to learn and vow not to make the same mistakes and focus less on what was. I appreciate your advice

[Jacob]

It's probably also worth recognising, that making mistakes will also happen in our future relationships and that's ok. And sometimes things which we thought were mistakes can actually be signs that the relationship wasn't working for us, rather than the other round.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up but I just want to say well done for working through this stuff because it ain't easy.