What reactions can people get from raping someone in their sleep? Was I raped?

[dalisabeth]

Okay so my cousin has been having sex with me in my sleep. He never told me and it happened numerous times. Lately, he told me that it wasn't rape, but it was sex. He claims we had sex even though I was asleep. This site calls it rape, but I don't know for sure. Another thing is he thought I knew the whole time that's why he didn't tell me or he thought was "scared I would tell" (he said both of those things). Well occasionally I woke up during it all. I pretended to be asleep the whole time though. He told me that he thought I knew because I would "moan and move around". I don't remember that ever happening. Is it possible for people to act that way during sex while they are asleep? What reactions can you expect from when they are asleep?

[Sam W]

Hi Dalisabeth,

So, the important distinction between rape and sex isn't how you act when it happens. It's whether or not consent was present. And someone who is asleep cannot, by definition, consent to sex. They're never given the chance to say yes or no. Too, you could think of it this way: why didn't he ask you? If he assumed it was consensual (which, I'll be honest, I doubt), why not take the time to check and avoid hurting you? The fact that he didn't suggests that he cared more about his wants than about making sure you were okay with what was happening.

That might be a lot to process right now, so it's okay to not have an immediate answer to this but: given what I just said, how are you feeling?

[dalisabeth]

I'm shocked. I'm actually kind of really scared. My doctor actually told me I have ptsd, but nobody knows about the rape (I guess that's what it's called) they only know that he was trying to kiss me and touch me. I feel betrayed in a way. I asked him yesterday why he did it and he said he doesn't know, but he said something how he doesn't get to see his girlfriend anymore really. I'm not even 18 yet, and that's what bothers me. I lost my virginity at 13 or 14 (I don't even know how old I was anymore) to my cousin. It hurts me so much and the fact that he still lives with hurts me even more.

[Heather]

There obviously is a lot here to talk about, and a whole lot for you to emotionally process, and then work on working through.

But before anything else, I want to first check in about your safety. Is there something you can first do to assure that this person is no longer able to sexually assault you, or have access to you when you are sleeping? There are options with that, whether we are talking about reporting these crimes (which is what they have been, and very serious crimes at that), or about figuring out ways to just secure your bedroom and other private spaces for now. Can we take care of that first?

[dalisabeth]

Well one night I tried to get away and he held my hand down to where I couldn't move. After that I no longer resisted when he tried to kiss me or anything. I still never let him touch me down there while I was awake. I felt like I had too much to lose even though i had already lost my virginity. Anyways he started getting real touchy including touching my chest and like making out. I felt so disgusting and stuff but my parents walked in one night. I tried to leave but he kept pulling me towards him. So I can't report the sex (rape thing) but the touching I did report. I didn't report that he touched me there tho

[Heather]

Okay, so it sounds like you are NOT currently safe from more abuse.

Can we talk about your options for changing that? Again, we can talk about reporting all of this, and what that can mean, or we can talk about things like how to secure your bedroom doors or windows when sleeping. Or both.

[dalisabeth]

Well my parents don't allow anybody to close the doors at all. That's the new rule. I don't want to report the sex/rape. I'm hurt by him but i don't want him to leave the last bit of family he has left just to go to jail. I don't want to see him hurting like I am. Sometimes i want to just pin him against the wall and scream at him but the idea of that just makes me sick. It's not who I am.

[Mo]

I hear you are concerned for your cousin's well-being, but he isn't giving you that consideration; he's continuing to rape you with no concern for your feelings and your objections. Right now it sounds like you aren't safe from him in your own home, and we would love to find ways to help you be safe and not have him assault you any more.

You say your family saw him kiss and touch you; what was their reaction? Is there anyone in your family you could talk to about this and at least say that your cousin is coming into your room at night and you'd like to find ways to keep that from happening? Is his only option right now to live with you? (Or is he just at your house a lot, while living elsewhere?)

Also, would you be comfortable maybe discussing this with the doctor you mentioned, or another adult you trust?

[dalisabeth]

I'm not sure if he's still doing it anymore but I don't know. My parents called me disgusting as well as DHS. I know most times it happened in his room when his sister (my cousin) left. Like I am depressed and I sleep most times (I have a fear of sleeping alone). He would just say wait a little longer. I know for sure he came into the living while I was asleep on the couch and raped me. I'm not sure about the other time when I was in my bed. I know in his room I would be asleep and hed touch me and I'd wake up but pretend to be asleep. He lives with us permanently. After his mother died he's been living with us. He told me he doesn't know why he did it but then he said something how he didn't get to see his girlfriend often so he did that. He thought I knew but I didn't. I reacted in my sleep too. I feel disgusting and everything. I honestly don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm fourteen and I drank alcohol just to fix my pain and nothing isn't helping. I can't do this anymore the fear is controlling me.

[Jacob]

I'm so sorry to hear your parents were unsupportive dalisabeth and to hear everything you are going through. I am glad you were able to tell them you were in danger but their reaction is disappointing.

Coming here is a really good first step because if you're not getting support within your family for something this severe then your family has serious issues and so it sounds like more outside help for you could be necessary to get you safe as soon as possible. I'm really glad you've reached out. After that it sounds like your family may need their own outside support if they are going to heal. However the first priority has to be you.

It is very very common for us and our bodies to react to sexual assault in unusual ways and it is something which brings a lot of abuse survivors guilt, because it is confusing, you aren't alone, but those bodily reactions say nothing about consent, nothing about you and don't change the effect that these rapes have had on you. Regardless of what he thought or thinks or has been through, this is now about you and what you need and the safety you deserve.

If it helps, because you say you are concerned about him and them, I don't think they or him can be anyway on their road to being ok, until you are safe. It isn't good for abusers to be abusive.

With the alcohol, I can really see how you might do that when feeling so trapped, so please don't be too hard on yourself. But it will also not change your situation and I would hate for you to harm your health with it.

Would you like to talk about what your next steps could be? Or anything else that is troubling you which we can help with?

[Heather]

I'd like to ask if you are okay with me coming back here later today and just writing out what I think your options are in detail, with a vote about which I personally think is best when it comes to your physical and emotional safety. Would that be okay with you?

[dalisabeth]

Hey sorry I havent been on in a while. Well months passed, but he has started doing it again. However things have changed between us. He acts like we are a couple or something, but he talks to this other girl and it all confuses me. He tried to touch me down there but i held is hand from moving, and he said "It's okay". I still struggled, but he is much stronger than me. I don't know how to feel about him. I don't know if I'm falling in love or if this whole thing is messing with me. He pulls me aside and kisses me and always touches my ass like grabs it and then he like does that kissy face to me and does this thing with his tongue. I know he doesn't love me, but I'm just so confused. I feel like I want him to do it but i know it's wrong. Does that make me a whore? He tried to do it in the laundry room saying nobody will know, but I couldn't take the risk and it didn't feel right. We have had sex though and i can't forget it. I feel like I'm being used, but I don't know. Maybe I'm using him? He goes into my room in the middle of the night occasionally and just lays with me, but sometimes he'll try to do it, but i refuse and other times he rapes me in my "sleep". I find myself always trying to be near him or something. I don't know what I'm doing. I know it's wrong, but I'm so clueless on what is really happening. Is he manipulating me or is it the other way around? I just need some help.

[Mo]

Hi dalisabeth, thanks for checking back in with us.

I'm sorry to hear that your cousin's continuing to assault you and that your home continues to be an unsafe place.
One thing about abuse is that when it's ongoing, it can become something that starts to feel normal, or that even feels comforting at times. I hear you say you want to be near him sometimes, and that the situation feels confusing to you, and since it's something that's been going on for a while I think it's understandable that it feels confusing! But no matter what else you're feeling, this is a situation where he is manipulating and assaulting you - not the other way around. You aren't at fault here.

I know we asked about this earlier, but do you feel up for talking about what your options for reporting this to someone, how that could work and what you could expect from this process? Also, are your parents still not allowing you to keep your door closed at night? Are there ways you can try to avoid him, or avoid being in the house alone with him, as much as possible?

[dalisabeth]

It was already reported and I still have counseling, but I just don't see a problem with it anymore I'm just confused. Yes, my parent's are making us keep all doors opened because of dhs. I almost don't want to be away from him because when he ignores me it doesn't feel right. Almost as if something is missing or something. Honestly i don't even know if it would be assault anymore. I mean he still has raped me, but everything else seems like consent I'm just having mixed feelings and stuff.

[Heather]

Have you talked with your counselor about all of this? And, just to check, is your counselor someone who specializes in counseling survivors of intra-familial sexual abuse?

Can I also ask what the results of the reporting were? It's highly unusual for a family member who has sexually assaulted another to be allowed to stay in the home -- or for a victim to be placed back there with them -- after a report of ongoing abuse.

[dalisabeth]

The authorities doesn't know he raped me. They only think it was touching. Dhs and my parents called me disgusting and manipulative so I couldn't bring myself to tell them. My counselor is from Bethesda and she specializes in sexual abuse. And also the charges were dropped there were just restrictions such as him and I can't be alone together, but it happens anyway. He still lives with us.

[dalisabeth]

I just posted another topic similar to what we are talking about right now. If you could check that out it would be greatly appreciated.

[Heather]

I did read through your other posted topic.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of this, and are still going through all of this, including the very confusing, hard and disorienting feelings being an ongoing victim of incest very often results in. Please know the ways you have felt and are feeling are very common for anyone in the spot you're in. I know that doesn't make them any easier, but I hope it at least helps you feel less alone, or like you're some kind of freak. You're not. You're someone who has been victimized and is still being victimized, and for whom being victimized unfortunately became -- and now feels, to you -- normal.

In a couple of days, I have to go in for a surgery that will have me in the hospital and away from work entirely for at least a week, and possibly as long as a month, so I don't want to dig in with that new thread because I don't want to personally get started with you then leave any conversations we start, specifically, hanging.

But what I would like to do is to give you a plan for reporting a few different things, including the ongoing incest. Obviously, it is your choice to use it or not, but I would personally strongly encourage you to do so. Basically, by not fully reporting, it seems to me you basically are in the spot where you kind of have gotten the strife having DHS involved can present, but few to none of the benefits. And the longer your abuse goes on, the more normalized it gets, and the harder it is going to be for you to heal from it, learn what really IS healthy, and then, in time, have a life free of abuse and healthy relationships. I want a good life for you, not this hellscape, you know?

So, what I would suggest is that you are COMPLETELY honest with your counselor. I would ask to have a conversation with her in which you tell her things you haven't, and that have been very hard and scary for you. I would make clear, too, you are asking for her help as someone working for the system.

I would advise you tell her:
1) The truth about the sexual abuse -- including that sexual contact is still ongoing -- if you have not already.
2) That the DHS worker assigned to your family verbally abused you, and any other way in which they did not interact with you with kindness, care and professionalism.
3) About any kind of abuse happening with the rest of your family, such as verbal abuse.
4) You need to report all of this and would like her to be with you to help you do that, as you are too scared to do so alone.

Honestly, if you disclose all of this, and DHS is doing their job, I would expect you to be placed out of your home, at least for a week or so as an emergency intervention until they can assure anywhere you live is not somewhere you will be sexually abused, or where your cousin can have contact with you. I would also expect your cousin to be arrested for sexual abuse and assault, as he has been committing these crimes, which are crimes, not things that are okay to do to someone.

I know those outcomes may not be outcomes you want, but I'm telling you about them because I don't want you to be surprised. I also know that if they are not what you want, you may want to avoid reporting to avoid them, but again, I would strongly advise you still do so. Really, no matter what you do, things are going to be hard for you. But this way, things will likely start to get a little easier every single day, and you will get to start healing a little every single day, each day also offering you baby steps towards a life that isn't like this, and one that has healthy interactions, not abuse.

Like I said, I am heading away from work for healthcare shortly, but if you need or want to talk about this plan with another staffer here, you can. I hope that if you are inclined to just ignore or avoid it, you talk about it instead: even if you don't choose to do it right now, taking about your concerns and reservations is a better move than avoidance, okay?

I'm rooting for you. Truly.

[dalisabeth]

Telling someone seems to be much harder than what it seems like. I don't want him to get into trouble. My dad actually doesn't trust me at all. He thinks when they were gone I was doing something with Nik. I don't know what to do. If I tell I have to tell the whole truth and I don't think I'm ready for that. If I have already dealt with this for almost a year now I think I can handle it a while longer.

[Karyn]

I know that all of this is difficult, including telling anyone what's going on. Maybe it would be less difficult to take smaller steps - for instance, what about first just telling your counsellor that the abuse hasn't stopped?