I feel raped after sex...

[Sam W]

It sounds like, right now and perhaps for some time before now, you've been doing most of the emotional work in this relationship. You talk a lot about trying to make him laugh or smile, you're not able to talk about what you need from the relationship for fear of upsetting him, and you've been enduring sex, which triggers you, on his behalf. What I wonder is, how much do you feel like he is doing that same emotional work for you?

[Laujo]

Yeah, possibly.
He was more sensitive time ago. We used to talk about deep things and our feelings, and he did silly things like love letters, drawings. But, it's like he replaced part of it with sex. He funds it funny (just as I did before) and something deep... I find sex to be a shallow thing most of the times. He still does some of those things I do though. He keeps making me laugh when I'm sad, tells me jokes, tickles me, hugs me when he sees I look too serious with no other intention than to make me feel better. He is always there to come with me when I need to go to any place. But the deeper things are more difficult for him than for me.

[Ashleah]

Hi Laujo,

Can you tell me about the other relationships in your life? With your family and friends? I ask because a lot of times they provide some of the same things you mentioned here as being benefits in your relationship.Sure, they are not the same, but having affection, support, and care from people we are not in a relationship with can be just as fulfilling. While you are trying to figure this all out with your boyfriend, do you think they can provide support for you?

I know that it can be hard to hear bad things about the person you care for and a relationship that is so important, so I am sorry if it feels like we are hounding you. The thing is, even with the good things you have mentioned, there are a lot of huge red flags that we just have to address. All we want is for you to have a healthy and safe relationship, and from what you have described that seems like a difficult thing to achieve in the current state.

Being able to talk about your relationship, your sexuality, your boundaries is ONLY the beginning in forming a relationship that benefits you both. There is a lot of work you both would need to do to get to a healthy place. But if you can not talk about these things, then you all will not be able to do this and it also makes it difficult for us to help you.

Although I don't think this is the best time for either of you to be in this relationships, I am not trying to tell you that you have end the relationship with your boyfriend. That is your decision to make, however, I would strongly suggest that you take some time to evaluate the relationship. I have included some links below for you to look over. The Relationship Checklist is very helpful for evaluating how things are going.

If you don't mind, can you take a look at the articles and then let us know if anything sticks out to you? Whatever your thoughts, what parts feel like they do or don't apply to your relationship, what are some goals for you in a relationship, anything...

Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For