Jealousy

[kindascared]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple months now.
And he has a few female best friends.
I'm fine with all of them but one. He was scrolling through his phone today and I saw that they call each other frequently and they also go out for breakfast sometimes.
It really bothers me that they spend time together. And I know I shouldn't be so upset because he's with ME. But I can't help but feel territorial.
Any advice?

[Jacob]

Hi kindascared!

I'm also sorry to hear that jealousy has continued to be a feeling you've had to experience. It's not very pleasant at all... You've had a tough year in terms of relationships! Since the relationship you mentioned in this thread... how have things changed?

I'm also seeing in your previous threads that people have offered some reading like:

Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Jealousy: Making Friends With a Green-Eyed Monster

We were also talking about introducing more direct communication to your relationships and things like that.

Did any of those things help you? Could anything apply here? There as here it seemed that jealousy was coming from you feeling stressed and bad relationship experiences in the past.

Would it be helpful to talk about you personally, and how you are doing? That way maybe we can think about strategies that go a bit deeper than relationship-by-relationship.

[kindascared]

I started to shake the jealous feeling but now it's started to creep back.
I literally just messaged him not even 5 minutes ago and told him I am dealing with it. He asked who I was feeling jealous about and I told him exactly who I'm struggling with.
So hopefully that helps.
I didn't want to bother him about it but it's really nagging at me.

[kindascared]

Update: he told me they've planned on seeing each other before.
And now that makes me even more paranoid and upset.

[Jacob]

Good job on approaching him directly with it! That's a great step!

Did you read any of our articles?

I also wonder if you are ok to be in a relationship if it is causing this distress. Are there good things you enjoy about it?

[kindascared]

Thank you!
I was really nervous to even bring it up but I knew I should've been honest with him or else it would've bothered me even more.

I have also read the articles and they were a huge help too.

I do enjoy him being around and he is the nicest person I've ever met and very considerate of my feelings. He told me he would never do anything to hurt me and that he and his friend did talk about dating at one time but they never did.

[Sam W]

So glad they helped!

Given that you're feeling otherwise pretty positive about this relationship, what do you think would need to happen for you to squish down some of that jealousy, or feel more comfortable with him hanging out with close female friends/

[kindascared]

I feel like I would just have to come to terms with him hanging out with those people. Because I don't want to control him and forbid him from seeing his friends.
It's still very hard though.

[Jacob]

For sure.

Trying to be controlling, can just stress you out too... it requires you to think about all the terrible things that could happen all the time to prevent them from happening rather than enjoy and build on the very pleasant and present things you do like in your relationship.

Speaking of which; I'm really glad you find him considerate and feel he wouldn't hurt you! However, I'm wondering... what if where you go from here is to explore more of the good stuff. Sometimes we refer to the ways in which a partner isn't hurting us as the best we can dream of, but what about the ways they make us feel gooood. What actual positive stuff do you get or would you like to get from a healthy relationship with an awesome person?

Putting the focus on your desires rather than your fears can also be a really helpful way to put your relationship beginings, middles and ends into perspective.

You made me think of this fantastic essay by Heather, An Immodest Proposal, so maybe reading it could be helpful!

[kindascared]

So after I told him that him seeing her alone was uncomfortable with me, he went out with her yesterday morning. Which makes me feel totally betrayed and it feels like a huge slap in the face to me. And I told him that. And he basically said I would have to deal with it. And that hurt my feelings.

I normally feel like he's very nice and considerate and that's what I love about him. And he listens to me rant and rave about everything and we are both passionate about the same things.

But yesterday was really thought because I feel like I wasn't talking to the same person.

[Sam W]

That sounds like it was a rough day for both of you. When you initially told him your feelings about him seeing her alone, how did her react?

The truth is you can't keep him from seeing his friend one on one, and trying to do so is likely to push you two apart. What, to you, feels like a logical next step from here?

[kindascared]

When I first told him, he asked why I was jealous. And I said that I felt like she liked him. And then he confessed to me that they had planned on dating before.

Also, yesterday when I asked who he was with, he told me "a friend and I get breakfast every week".

He didn't even mention her name, like he was trying to hide it from me.

I just feel like my trust is completely diminished. Because he tried to hide it. But I did tell him I would feel better if I tried to get to know her, and if I was invited to their hangouts.
So I am trying to make an effort, but I really don't want to. Because I feel like I'm competing for his attention because he liked her at one time too.

[Sam W]

After he mentioned they'd considered dating in the past, how did the conversation go?

I think getting to know her is not a bad plan, although I think first hanging out in a group setting and not as a trio is the best move. That cuts down on the chances of you feeling like you're directly competing for his attention, as well as on the chance of anyone feeling like a third wheel. Too, even if you do spend some time hanging out with both of them, you'll still need to give him the space to hang out with her (or any other friend) one on one.

[kindascared]

He said that it probably didn't make me feel any better. And then he said he was going to bed. So he dropped this huge bomb on me and then went to sleep just fine.

Yeah I just feel like he thinks we compromised but it really doesn't feel like it to me. And it's been all I can think about for the last week.

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear that this feeling of jealousy is still something you're struggling with; it sounds like it's causing you a lot of stress.

You mention feeling like you're competing with her for your boyfriend's attention, and I wanted to touch on that. If you feel like you'd like to spend more time with him than you do right now, that's absolutely a conversation you could have; sometimes people have different levels of time they will ideally spend with a romantic partner and if there's a mismatch between the two of you, that's something you could talk about and try to address. Also, if you feel like when you are spending time together, he's not entirely present or focused on what you're doing, that's something you could talk about too.

However, it is important for people to be able to spend time with their friends, whether they're in a dating relationship with someone else or not. I hear you say that it felt like a betrayal when your boyfriend hung out with her socially after you'd mentioned being uncomfortable with it, and for sure the timing there sounds like it wasn't great. But if someone said to you "I can't hang out like we'd planned because my boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like it," I'm guessing you might feel pretty hurt because they'd cancelled plans with you.

From what you've said earlier, it sounds like the fact that you don't really know her and you know there was some sort of potential plan for her to date your boyfriend at some point is a big part of your discomfort. But I think it's important to keep in mind that that didn't happen - your boyfriend's dating you. That's something he's chosen to do, and it's a choice he's continuing to make. Can you think of anything that would help you feel more secure in your relationship?

[kindascared]

We definitely don't hang out as much as we used to because he's been working a lot and we both have classes as well so we have to work it in.
We are supposed to spend time together next weekend on his spring break. We are getting a cabin with a couple of his friends for a weekend. Which makes me feel better.

I just wish he would tell me that she didn't matter romantically to him. That would make me feel better. I haven't seen him since I brought this up to him and I miss him as well, I feel like if I saw him I would feel better. Because he does devote time to me and he buys me gifts and makes sure I have a jacket when it's cold outside and things like that, and I know he wouldn't waste his time on someone doing that for no reason.

[Sam W]

It's great that you've made at least some plans to spend time together over break. From what you're describing, it also sounds like it might help for the two of you to talk about ways that you could see each other (or at least connect with each other) in the midst of your busy schedules.

It's totally normal to want that reassurance from him, and asking for it once might help you two feel like the matter is settled. But you'd need to be careful to not get caught in a reassurance cycle where you ask him to reassure you about that every time you feel anxious. Does that make sense?

[kindascared]

He's coming to hang out with me after class today so that makes me feel better. Because he initiated it.

That makes sense! I just wish this feeling would go away and I wish I didn't have to see her in class and wonder. Every time she looks at her phone in class I'm paranoid that it's him.

[Sam W]

Oh good

It sounds like something that might help is that, when you have classes with her, to basically avoid noticing her movements. That can help you shut down some of that worry that's feeding those jealous feelings.

[kindascared]

He was much happier today and was talking about prom and future events which is super reassuring.

I'm trying to avoid seeing her posts on social media, but I'm still constantly paranoid that he's with her even though I trust him.

[Karyn]

I'm glad you're feeling reassured. As far as worrying about whether your boyfriend is spending time with his friend, do you have things that you can do to distract yourself? Other things to focus on when you're not together to keep your mind off that worry?

[kindascared]

I do have homework and other things like piano and art I could do. It's just difficult when I get home from class because both of my parents are at work and I'm alone and thinking way too much. But when I'm around other people I feel a lot better.

I was thinking, he has this friend (his best friend) and her name is Sierra. And she has a boyfriend named Justin. And my boyfriend and Sierra hang out sometimes which doesn't bother me at all; I like Sierra. But if Justin can be okay with Sierra doing that, then I can be okay with my boyfriend hanging out with other friends too. If I try really hard.

[Smallgirl]

Talking about possessiveness and jealousy, a close friend of mine (I've known him for 7 years) met this girl last year and they've become super-thick friends. She's awfully possessive of him. Like, she has asked him to sever ties with all his female friends( there aren't many, he's not very good in moving with girls) because she wants to be 'special' to him. They aren't even in a relationship, they're super-close-friends. She has all his passwords - fb, Gmail, Insta, you name it and constantly checks them to see if he talks to other girls. And he does EVERY SINGLE THING she asks him to. He actually asks PERMISSION from her everytime he talks to me. She hates me for being close to him. Two days back, he asked me how I was doing and I replied, "I'm fine, it's just my uterus, it's killing itself " cause I was having cramps and belly-pain. He told me it'll be okay and I'll be fine soon. That's all that happened, I swear. The next day, he had blocked me, left all groups in which I was there, and when I called he said he did so because she has asked him to do and I shouldn't call him again. Apparently, I had 'crossed the line' because she felt he had gotten too close with me for me to discuss my periods with him. And that I talk 'dirty' because I talk about sex with him. The place where I live is very conservative and girls are not supposed to even know about sex while still in school. We don't have Sex Ed classes. And, many girls don't even know what the basic terms like 'virginity' mean. For them, sex is evil. Even talking about it (and even talking about periods in public) pollutes the mind. There's so much more but I'm not adding them here. So, according to her, I am a slut( irony, I'm still a virgin(though so is every girl in my school)). So, he doesn't even talk to me anymore. And the main thing is, he likes to be bossed around by her, cause apparently it shows that 'she loves him so much that she can't even think of someone else filling her place'. They're both so much in love with each other. That's what they say.
Talk about being possessive now.
(The place where I live doesn't approve of a boy-girl friendship, the two have been warned by the Principal herself for hugging each other ONCE in the school premises. Any relationship is always kept a secret. Including mine)

[kindascared]

Wow that's possessive. I thought I was being over the top.

Does he still have you blocked on social media and everything?

[Smallgirl]

Yeah. And he says it will stay that way till she's okay with it.