Sexual Intimacy

[chrabelcrabsnap]

Hey there,
First of all, very smart website name, I like it very much.
So I guess a little background about myself may be required, so I'll try not to bore you guys with too many details. I grew up in a southern baptist household, my parents feared that any idea of sex or sexuality being allowed would cause myself and my siblings to become sexual deviants. Therefore anything sexual in nature was banned, including having a girlfriend. By the time I was 12 I had already begun to sexually experiment with boys my own age, but I believe a small part of the reason I ended up doing that was because I wasn't allowed to be around girls. I was finally caught by my parents at around 16, and basically went through my parents homemade version of straight camp. So I suppressed all feelings I previously had, believing it was something to do with too much porn, or whatever BS christians come up with, oh right the fear of hell was a big one lol. I finally moved out of my parents home about a year and a half ago, and began to explore who I was, and what I actually wanted, opposed to what my parents wanted. It's been a long road, and only in the past few months have I begun to rediscover the intensely suppressed same sex feelings I've had since a very young age. Also,I have begun to explore sexuality with other men in the past few months, and seriously enjoy it, which has been such a relief to me haha. I'm still technically a virgin with both genders, which is frustrating, but I attribute that to how much my parents effed me up as a kid.
So my concern of late has been me not getting much of an erection with either gender, even though I'm enjoy every moment of sensuality with that person. I seriously enjoy the aspect of pleasing others even more than myself being pleased, so maybe that plays a part. I still get sexually excited, and I can still achieve erections when I'm by myself, just not so much with other people. I don't know, I guess it's just a little bewildering seeing as I'm a young man who shouldn't be having a hard time getting it up. Maybe it's a question that is unanswerable by you guys, or maybe I should see a sex therapist (I'm thinking both scenarios are completely likely haha).
Any advice you give will be greatly appreciated, the fact that you guys actually offer this free service is amazing to me. Sorry for the lengthiness of my question and all the information you probably didn't want to hear about lol. Thank you so much!

[Karyn]

Hi chrabelcrabsnap, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Your question definitely isn't unanswerable, so no worries there! To be perfectly honest, given the shame and fear that seemed to exist around sex in the household you grew up in, I'm not terribly surprised that your body isn't responding exactly the way you want and expect it to. The biggest and most important sexual organ in any body is actually the brain, and what's going on in your head - including memories of your past experiences, cultural messaging you may have gotten about sex, general stress, the works - has a big impact on arousal and therefore erections.

You've only been exploring your own sexuality and desires for a relatively short period of time, with a lot of tough history and pretty messed-up messaging to overcome, so I'd say it's likely that this will work itself out in time. In the meantime, it does sound like you're enjoying yourself, which is fantastic, so try not to stress about not getting erections: that stress is only going to make erections less likely, not more!

[chrabelcrabsnap]

Thanks for the advice Karyn. Definitely gives me some peace of mind, I appreciate the time you took out of your day to give me a response. Have a great one!
-Chrabel Crabsnap

[Karyn]

Glad I could help.

[chrabelcrabsnap]

Hey Karyn, I've also been doing some digging in my sexual life and realized that from the time I was 11 till not to long ago, I've viewed hardcore pornography and used it consistently as a sexual outlet, instead of being with people. I don't know if you have heard of the website yourbrainonporn.com, but it's given me a lot of incite as to what has been going on with me. Porn induced erectile dysfunction is what they call it. I'm not saying that viewing porn in general causes that issue, but for me and many others it is the underlying factor. I don't know if you have ever heard of that sort of thing; and if anything hopefully what I've discovered could potentially help others out there. Thanks again!

[Karyn]

Thanks for checking in again, chrabelcrabsnap. Porn induced erectile dysfunction is a term I'm familiar with, although I'd say it's not so much pornography that's the issue as the fact that people in general can get used to certain kinds of sexual stimulation, which can then make it more difficult to get aroused or reach orgasm from stimulation that isn't the way they usually do things (if that makes sense). It definitely isn't a permanent thing though, so you - and anyone else in the same spot - will likely find that as you get more accustomed to being sexual with others and discover a wider variety of stimulation that you find pleasurable, this won't be an issue anymore.

[chrabelcrabsnap]

That makes total sense, and is something I've realized for sure. My problem is finding people who are understanding of where I'm coming from. But oh well, that's just life I guess. Thanks again, you have been really helpful!