Asking for what you need

[Onionpie]

I'm wondering how comfortable people feel asking partners for things they need in a relationship. I don't mean just in terms of what feels good sexually (although that's part of it), but things like spending more or less time together, a change in safer sex practices, or even smaller details like asserting your preferences for date activities. Is it hard to speak up?

I sometimes find it easy to get sucked into thinking "oh, I am so easygoing and accommodating, I don't need to ask for things because I like to just go with the flow," but honestly, all that happens when I don't speak up about what I need to feel happy and supported in a relationship is that tiny issues turn into a BIG DEAL over time. And of course, my partners can't know these things unless I mention them in the first place, so I can't get mad at them for not knowing!

So: how comfortable do y'all feel about this? Are there things that make it easier for you to speak up about your needs? Have you found ways to support partners who might have a hard time asking for things they need to feel happier in a relationship?

(Originally posted by Molias on the old boards here: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum ... 12039.html

[Ruth]

My catchphrase for these things tends to be: "Hey, about that - " whenever a relevant subject comes up. It's a lot less heavy/terrifying than "can I ask you something?" or "can we talk about something?" That way the conversation tends to merge quite smoothly into thing-we-need-to-talk-about, without it feeling unnatural or forced or high-expectations-y.

I think spending time around cruddy people who don't respect others' needs has really made me quite concrete on I Need To Express This, because subtleties can be at best missed, and at worst ignored.

As for how I support partners who might have a hard time... hm. I'm not sure. I don't think there's anything I do consciously, but I've been described as a pretty 'openly open' person, so I'd hope that I would seem receptive to my partners. Huh. That's something to think about!

[bigbywolf]

For me, it's a matter of asking to ask them something, then telling them that I'm not pregnant or about to break up with them or whatever their other immediate concerns will be when they hear the "we need to talk" tone. I also have the terrible method (that I need to fix) of (if there is something bothering me) becoming reserved and sulky until my partner asks what's wrong, which forces then to be in the position of the confrontational, not me.