Terrified to go back to a doctor

[Anon.Y. Mouse]

I tried to have an invasive procedure done but when the Dr. inserted the speculum, the pain was EXCRUCIATING. I heard myself scream even before I realized it was me. I was crying so hard I could hardly breath. The receptionist burst in without knocking and she looked scared. I felt like I was going to black out. The Dr. said it was because I was nervous. I've never had sex and had never had any sort of gynecological exam done before. I've never told anyone about this before now. It happened about 6 months ago. It was worse than the time a dentist aimed the Novocain needle wrong and drilled a tooth without anesthesia.

Anyhow, I was completely traumatized. I know this might sound overly dramatic but I almost felt like I'd been raped. Now I'm scared-to-freaking-death to go back to a doctor. I should really get a pelvic exam tho. I don't know what to do. I'd honestly almost rather die than relive what I went thru that day.

Any advice at all?

[Sam W]

Hi Anon,

I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience. It's understandable that you'd be frightened at the idea of having to go for another exam.

If you plan on going back for a new exam, I would start by telling the doctor you see (if it isn't the same one) what happened and how you're feeling. You can also ask if there is something they can do to lubricate the speculum or otherwise help with the pain. It's pretty normal to feel some discomfort during an exam, even if you're trying to relax. But terrible pain is something that a doctor needs to be aware of and try to work with. Is that a conversation you'd feel okay having?

[Anon.Y. Mouse]

The doctor I went to the day this happened said the speculum was lubricated. I could try talking to a different doctor about this. The one I went to that day wasn't a gynecologist. She was a general practitioner and she couldn't find the speculum at first. The receptionist had to come in and help her look which seemed weird so I got more nervous. I was already anxious because I'd never done anything like this before. I'd feel better if I could think the Dr. was just completely incompetent because then switching doctors could solve the problem but she just kept saying that it because I was nervous.

[Sam W]

Ooof, I have to say I'd find that anxiety provoking as well. If she wasn't an OB-GYN and wasn't super practiced in that exam, it is possible that some of the discomfort was due to her not being very skilled at the procedure. The next time you go for this exam, I'd advise going to an OB-GYN so you're working with someone who does them all the time. It's unlikely to make the exam painless (even for people who are used to the speculum, it's never really a fun feeling) but my guess is it will be much more manageable.

[Anon.Y. Mouse]

Update: I finally got it together to go back. I saw a doctor who works for the same practice but I started crying before she could do anything. I explained what the reason was that I was freaking out and she said she'd heard about what happened. According to what she said she heard, I panicked and the doctor I saw previously couldn't complete the exam. I told her that wasn't what happened and I went into detail about what really happened and all she said was, "I wasn't there that day."

She then proceeded to tell me she couldn't do anything for me if I didn't calm down so I left without her doing anything. I called her the next morning and told her she'd hurt my feelings. She responded with, "I'm not a psychiatrist."

I'm done. I'd honestly rather die than deal with another doctor ever again.

[Karyn]

I'm so sorry you had another bad experience: it sounds like the second doctor you saw was incredibly dismissive of your anxiety, which is absolutely not okay.

What kind of support do you need from us? Is there anything we can do to help?

[Anon.Y. Mouse]

I don't know. I'm just trying to forget but I felt like telling someone. I keep telling myself I don't ever have to go back there. I left her a negative review on Google reviews whether or not she cares.

[Karyn]

Wanting to tell someone is understandable: sometimes it helps to vent! (Reviews can be good ways to vent too.) And, if there's anything else that occurs to you that we can help you with, just let us know.

[Mo]

You definitely don't have to go back there, and I hope you don't - it sounds like no one there is particularly compassionate with their patients.

If you're open to making another appointment elsewhere, it does look like Planned Parenthood has several locations in New Jersey, where your profile says you live: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/NJ While of course we can't guarantee what kind of experience you'll have there, overall PP doctors tend to be good at being gentle and kind during pelvic exams! I've had good experiences there and have heard many good stories (and I think one neutral one) in several years of talking to people about their healthcare experiences. Also, you could check with friends to see if anyone has a doctor they recommend. Word of mouth can be a great way to find a good doctor.

No matter where you go next, you may want to specifically say, both when you make an appointment and when you get into the examination room, that you've had stressful and traumatic experiences with a pelvic exam before, and you would like to make sure to have a doctor who's good at being patient, gentle, or whatever else you feel like you need. A good clinic or doctor will take this seriously and treat you kindly; I'm really sorry to hear that your previous doctors haven't done that at all.

[Anon.Y. Mouse]

I've heard other people say they've had uncomfortable gynecological exams before, but I've never heard anyone describe anything like the kind of severe pain I experienced that day, making me think maybe there's something wrong with me. I mean, could it really have been that bad just because I was nervous?

[Sam W]

Gynecological exams are never really pleasant, but you're right that the pain you experienced is not the norm. It's possible there is something going on that makes the exam more painful than average. Too, at this point you've now had two bad experiences, which is (understandably) going to make you anxious and tense, which can increase the discomfort that these exams cause. But even if both of those factors turn out to be true, they're not going to be remedied by the healthcare provider ignoring your fears and needs. If you're able to connect to a healthcare provider who actually listens to your fears, that may help you determine if tension or something else is causing the pain.

[Anon.Y. Mouse]

What's weird was that I didn't think I was really nervous. Right before I went I watched a YouTube video of the same procedure I was going to have done and it looked like no big deal. And it's not like I've never been thru any type of uncomfortable medical procedure before. I mean, I've had blood draws and throat cultures or whatever, just like everyone else. Most of what I was worried about was just the weirdness of lying there with your feet up in stirrups with no underwear on. I had NO idea it could hurt that much.

Thanks for listening to me go on and on.

[Alice O]

As you've noticed, medical procedures that involve our genitals can be especially vulnerable or distressing. To repeat what all the other staff have said--I'm so sorry you had this experience!

When you find a healthcare provider that is a good fit, they should be able to "help you determine if tension or something else is causing the pain" as Sam W. said.