I Think I Might Be Bi

[paranoidcamera]

I've grown up and still live in a fairly judgmental family environment when it comes to the topic of homosexuality and the LGBT+ community. My family is one of strong faith in the Christian religion, and while I too do share some of that faith, I am very, very accepting to those who are different from me. (When I was in high school I was uber religious and lost so many friends due to hating on those of the LGBT+ community. I am ashamed of myself and wish I could go back and change things. It was a good learning and eye opening experience I feel)

Growing up I was taught that being gay is wrong. While I am totally accepting now, there is still that slight confliction deep inside of me that is making me doubt myself and the feelings I've been having recently; those of bisexual feelings. I've always been straight. I've only ever dated guys. Heck, I have a crush on a guy as of this moment. But over the past few weeks, I've been feeling this nagging feeling. And it's not just like a normal feeling that you get, it's like a strong feeling that keeps growing. I've never been attracted to those of the same sex as me (I'm female) and now I think I'm starting to grow an attraction to females. It's not something I see as "yeah, no thanks" anymore...I now view it as something very normal and I can see myself dating a girl, if that makes sense and doesn't sound totally strange.

As of right now, whoever reads this post is/are the only person/people who know about this. I have not spoken to family, as I don't even want to go down that route, or friends, not because I don't trust them, but because I am scared to hear what they think, and a few of them are judgmental and if the guy I like finds out I might be bi, he may not like me anymore. I'm confused. I'm kind of scared. I don't know what to do or who to talk to about this besides y'all. Any advice or testimonies would be very appreciated. Thank you for reading <3

- Rhae, 20 yrs old

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Rhae. And kudos to you on voicing something here that's felt so scary to voice. That's a brave thing to do!

You know, if someone you liked saw anything about you that's outside your control -- like your race, your body type, or your sexual orientation -- as a negative, well... obviously that's not someone you'd have been likely to have a good relationship with. To have something good, we all have to accept one another when it comes to things that are just who we are. If this guy wouldn't like you because you're bisexual than a) oh well, guess it's time to pick someone else, but also b) who really wants to go out with someone with that kind of bias anyway, you know?

You say you have always been straight. But chances are, you probably have only really had any sense of your orientation for a max of ten years or so, given your age. I say that because orientation really can be quite fluid, and is often at least a little fluid, through our whole lives. So, having shifts or changes like you feel you're experiencing now is common, and might even be something that happens more than once.

Too, it takes time and life experience to get a real handle on what our orientation is. Some people may be sure at 20, but far more won't be, especially those who haven't done a lot of dating and had a range of different opportunities to date freely (living in places that are anti-queer means you can't date people who are your same or similar gender freely, so). So, it may be that you haven't been straight this whole time, or you identified yourself that way in the past, but in learning more about yourself, you're realizing you weren't straight or that whatever you were before and are now, that term and that identity just don't feel true for you anymore. This is also very common, especially for people who grow up in communities or cultures (and that's still most of them!) where heterosexuality is the assumed default and the stated ideal. Know what I mean?

We can talk some more, but lastly, I want to invite you to cut yourself a break with your attitudes and behavior in high school. It sounds like you know now what that was and that it wasn't okay, and if you can make any amends to people involved, I have a feeling you'll do that. And doing that and just learning and behaving in a more supportive, accepting way moving forward is really all you can do.

[paranoidcamera]

Thank you for your reply, Heather! I enjoyed reading what you had to say.

I definitely get what you mean about your first point 100%. Being with someone who may be judgmental of something that is out of my control is not a very positive position to be in. Even if I wasn't bisexual or questioning who I am, to be with someone who may look down on others for their sexuality or race isn't really an inviting quality. This is something I need to really sit down and think about to know where to go from here and approach future relationships.

I have lived at home my whole life so far, and yes I haven't had an opportunity to really explore who I am as a person or where I stand sexually. I've had two boyfriends in the past and wouldn't even dare consider dating a female while living at home. I definitely have not had the opportunity or support to date freely as some do. I will hopefully be moving out very soon so I will be able to be more open and free when it comes to embracing and learning and finding out about who I really am. Your point makes total sense.

I definitely know what I did in high school was wrong. I do need to cut myself some slack and let the past be the past and move on from my mistakes. Dwelling on things that I cannot change will not improve anything and will not allow for progress in my life. I unfortunately do not have magical rewind powers, so learning and moving on will have to do.

Again, thank you so much! I feel a lot better now that I've got some of my thoughts out there in the open. I don't feel so pent up and anxious. I appreciate it.

[thewrit3r]

I know you've already gotten great advice from Heather, but I just wanted to add something since my experience was somewhat similar to yours. I used to think I was straight but started questioning mu sexuality during my teen years. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I'm bi but like Heather said, sexuality is fluid and I've come to accept that. Sexuality doesn't have to be just one thing set in stone; it can be flexible, and that's perfectly fine.

And definitely don't be hard on yourself about what happened in high school. I honestly wish more people were like that. Being able to admit you make a mistake and willing to change shows an awful lot of maturity.