Painful possible UTI? worried

[froggo]

I seem to have contracted my first UTI infection, but I am worried that it could be an STD or something else. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and we have been using condoms all the time but we also have oral sex pretty frequently. If it's helpful, I am in my late 20's and he is just 2 years older than me. Just the other day we had sex a few times and I think this is why I have a UTI now. It's very painful and I have all the symptoms like fever, burning with urination, feeling nauseous, etc. I am going to go back to the doctor today to get it confirmed again, even though I took a over-the-counter UTI test and it tested positive.

Generally I feel very anxious because my partner told me that he had a number of random partners before we started dating and I'm afraid that he might have an STD. I will ask him to get tested right away. HOWEVER I don't want to tell him that I have a UTI right now. He might think that I have an STD too and he will freak out. Just last week, I was also sick at home with horrible menstrual cramps and had to stay home from work. I never had cramps like that before in my life and I told my doctor, but she said it was probably nothing to worry about. I started birth control since then to address that issue, thinking it's probably my hormones out of whack.

If I tell my boyfriend that within 2 weeks I have yet another medical issue, I'm afraid he's just going to think I'm crazy. I want to ask him to get tested without being accusatory though. Is it wrong to keep this information from him, does he have to know that I'm suffering again from a sexual health issue?

Now that I'm taking BC I also don't want to have sex without protection until I know for sure that he doesn't have any infections. I'm worried because I don't know how to bring this up to him.

[Heather]

Okay.

So, let's take this possible infection out of the equation.

I would advise that, since you are currently sexually active, and he is currently sexually active, you both get currently tested. That is something ALL sexually active people should do regularly (for most people, every year or so), even if they have each only had one partner. That's not about accusing anyone of anything. It's just about the fact that we all have these risks (even WITH condom use for ALL activities: condoms reduce risks, they don't remove them completely), so we all should be doing what we can when it comes to limiting the dangers they present, testing being part of that.

Think of it like getting your teeth checked because we know bacteria gets in our mouths, and trouble with our teeth can land us with infections that can make us really sick. Testing is just as normal as that.

So, why not just say, "Hey! It's about time I get tested since I'm having sex. So are you, so how about we go together and make a date of it?" Or, if you don't want to go together, how about, "I'm going to get tested this week. Are you current with yours? If not, can you please get up to date like I'm doing?"

[Heather]

(Btw, you would need to see a doc about a UTI no matter what, because treatment for a UT isn't available without a prescription. So, do be sure and hop on that ASAP, separate from the STI issue, though you can ask to be STI tested when you go in. You don't want a UTI spreading to your kidneys.)

[froggo]

I just got back from the doctor and was diagnosed with a bladder infection UTI but she said I was also showing symptoms of kidney infection. I will start taking the antibiotics to treat it. They also did a quick STI screen and blood tests, but the doctor said she didn't see any evidence of an STI. That does make me feel a little relieved. I am not sure if my partner will find out about what I have, he might since it's pretty hard to cover up. But regardless I will definitely ask him to get tested since I basically just finished getting tested today. I like the idea of offering to go do it together or at least offer company. I'm hoping that he does the right thing for us.

[Mo]

Oof, I'm sorry to hear your UTI had spread that far - definitely be sure to take all of your antibiotics as directed, a bladder/kidney infection is no joke. I think it's a good idea to talk to your partner about STI testing soon, and maybe talking about what sorts of safer sex precautions you want to make sure you're taking together (whether that's just until a round of testing results comes back, or just in general going forward).

I wanted to ask about something that came up in both of your posts here. It sounds like you really don't want your boyfriend to find out that you're sick, and that you worry he'd think you're "crazy" for being sick after you had another health issue a few weeks ago. Is that a reaction he's had to your health, or someone else's, before? I ask because that would be a really inappropriate reaction to have to a partner being sick.

[froggo]

Oof, I'm sorry to hear your UTI had spread that far - definitely be sure to take all of your antibiotics as directed, a bladder/kidney infection is no joke. I think it's a good idea to talk to your partner about STI testing soon, and maybe talking about what sorts of safer sex precautions you want to make sure you're taking together (whether that's just until a round of testing results comes back, or just in general going forward).

I wanted to ask about something that came up in both of your posts here. It sounds like you really don't want your boyfriend to find out that you're sick, and that you worry he'd think you're "crazy" for being sick after you had another health issue a few weeks ago. Is that a reaction he's had to your health, or someone else's, before? I ask because that would be a really inappropriate reaction to have to a partner being sick.

I just saw my boyfriend and I didn't tell him that I had a UTI infection, but I had a low fever and felt miserable with a sore throat on top of everything, so I told him I was sick. He was genuinely worried and concerned and wished that I get better soon.

I think I'm afraid to tell him about this infection because in the back of my mind I'm paranoid about getting an STD from him. What I have now might have nothing to do with a STD though. I'm still waiting for blood work results to come back from the doctor to be 100% sure. I think my anxiety also comes from the fact that he admitted to having causal sex partners before he met me, and that makes me uncomfortable given that the risk of getting an STI is so much higher when you do that. At the same time, I don't want to falsely accuse him of having a disease.

If I did tell him I don't think he would be upset or angry, but I just don't want him to start having a mental picture of me being full of ailments because that's not very attractive. And we've only been dating for 4ish months and it still feels new. Again, I'm probably over reacting but I'm hoping to get peace of mind when I get my results back and after he gets tested and shows me healthy results. If the results show otherwise, I would not be upset but at least we could sit down and talk about next steps.

I'm also still unsure why I got this infection in the first place. Given that I came down with it the day after we had sex I'm pretty sure that caused it. If it's not STI related, then I suppose we need to be more careful about hygiene and stuff like that when we do have sex. But is it possible that if he had a STI, the bacteria in him could have spread and caused my infection?

Also, I should add that when we started dating he told me that he had oral herpes which he contracted as a child but that he only had like two outbreaks in his life. I didn't think it was a big deal but wondering if I should be more concerned now.

[Sam W]

Has he not gotten tested yet? If not, does he have an appointment lined up? And speaking of appointments, are you currently seeing someone for your anxiety?

As to your question about where the UTI came from, this article has information that might help you: Out, Out Damn UTI! .

I think it might be helpful to do some poking at where those beliefs around illness and attraction are coming from since, if I've heard you right, they aren't coming from your partner. Sooner or later we all get ill. Sometimes we get multiple illnesses at once or in quick succession. Sometimes that illness is chronic and never goes away. Sometimes partners stick around while we're sick, other times they decide that an ill partner is not something they can handle. That has zero to do with how attractive and valuable we are as people. It's just one of the risks of existing as a human. Does that make sense?

[froggo]

Has he not gotten tested yet? If not, does he have an appointment lined up? And speaking of appointments, are you currently seeing someone for your anxiety?

As to your question about where the UTI came from, this article has information that might help you: Out, Out Damn UTI! .

I think it might be helpful to do some poking at where those beliefs around illness and attraction are coming from since, if I've heard you right, they aren't coming from your partner. Sooner or later we all get ill. Sometimes we get multiple illnesses at once or in quick succession. Sometimes that illness is chronic and never goes away. Sometimes partners stick around while we're sick, other times they decide that an ill partner is not something they can handle. That has zero to do with how attractive and valuable we are as people. It's just one of the risks of existing as a human. Does that make sense?

No, he hasn't gotten tested yet. In fact we haven't talked about it yet because we usually see each other once or twice a week and I want to make sure we have the right moment to discuss something so important. But next time I see him I will make sure that we get him an appointment lined up for testing.

My test results came back for everything and it was all negative so that is a big relief. Also, that article that you shared is very helpful.

Apparently my anxiety is showing its card again because yes I do have a history of it which occurs on and off throughout my life. I have tried to see someone for it but always have lousy luck finding someone that is covered by my insurance and that I'm comfortable with. But that is a whole other ball of wax that I do need to tackle so thank you for reminding me.

I'm feeling pretty good that I for sure don't have a STI...so I will need to take next steps with my boyfriend to make sure it stays that way!

[Sam W]

I'm glad that information was helpful! If you need it for the future, this article has a bunch of information on finding a therapist that works for you and how to make counseling as helpful as possible: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy