Sexuality issues for 10 years!

[themindwonders]

Hi to all at scarleteen

I REALLY need some help and advice because this is something that has been going on for 10 years, infact it’s been on my mind since I was about 12 and I’m in my mid 20’s now and I’m still very confused. I understand that I might not get a deffinate answer as to what sexual orientation I am ( but to be honest I am at that point where I just want someone just to tell me If I am bisexual or not) but if there are ways I could find out for certain please guide me.

I think I am bisexual but I am hiding in the closet because I never wanted to openly label myself as a bisexual woman until I knew 100%. I remember telling my friend when I was 12 that I thought I was bisexual but I was young and was starting to find out who I was a person. I thought it was just a phase I was going through, but since it’s been so long and I am still confused, I don’t think it is a phase. I am getting a lot more comfortable as to who I am now I have got older ,but I think if I could clarify my sexuality I would be able to find myself a lot more.

From early teenage years I was always looking at men, but I would also always check out women. At first I ignored the fact that I was checking women out and just thought it was me comparing myself to them but then I started getting confused because I started finding women sexually attractive. I have dated men all my life and I never have had a relationship or had sex with a woman.

I have only kissed a girl passionately once but I felt comfortable with it, I didn’t think “Should I be doing this?” and I have kissed girls on the lips on numerous occasions and yet still I’m ok with it.
But I think if I did come out as bisexual and did start dating women, I think would be nervous holding their hand in public at first as I would be coming to terms with it myself and as a person I wouldn’t want to hide my relationship as I want to show I am proud of my partner.

I would go on dates with women but I wouldn’t know how to go about it, I don’t want to set up a dating profile just to date women just for my clarification. It wouldn’t be fair to go on a date with a woman just to clarify my sexuality.
I do look at female celebrities and think they are hot and I do imagine having sex with them and to be honest I fantasize about women more then men.

I am sorry if this is a lot to read but I am so desperate to get clarification. I need as many people to advise me as I can so I can get different opinions. Should I talk to my other friends who are not straight about it?

Thank you

[thewrit3r]

I can tell you that a lot of us here have been questioning our sexuality, and a lot of us are still uncertain. I understand what it's like to want some clarification on what your sexuality is. It can be confusing and uncomfortable not knowing which category you feel like you fit in. The thing about sexuality, though, is that it really can only be defined by you. It's personal and you are the best judge of how you really feel. Being confused doesn't mean you don't know yourself, but that you are simply explorbig another part of you.

I've heard this said before, but bisexuality doesn't necessarily mean you are attracted to two genders equally, nor does it mean your attraction to two genders is at the same level. You may feel a different level of attraction to men and women, and that doesn't invalidate your sexuality. You simply have preferences for certain genders. I wonder if you worry that you are not "really" bisexual because you are questioning your identify? I felt that way; I recently changed my profile on here from heterosexual to bisexuality and now I'm questioning that label because I feel like I am closer to being attracted to one gender only again. But that doesn't make me a "fake" bisexual. Everyone experiences attractions differently, and they're all valid. And as I mentioned earlier, you don't have to be attracted to genders on the same level/in the same way to be bisexual; lots of bisexuals have preferences. And you don't have to be in a relationship with someone to know you are attracted to them or that gender. You don't have to have a sexual experience with someone to know you're attracted to them or that gender. If that was the case, lots of people wouldn't use sexuality labels because they've never been in a relationship before, myself included. Your sexuality is valid; no one can tell you what you are or not. If people are telling you what your sexuality is, you should try to find more supportive people around you because like I said, no one knows you better than you. Someone telling you what your sexuality is is like someone telling you what your favorite food is. They don't know because they're not you. They couldn't possibly know. Does that make sense?

It's also important to not that bisexuality is often not a "phase" for people. Some people have fluctuations in their sexualities because sexuality can be vey fluid, but it's not a "phase", if that makes any sense. I don't like that word because it really invalidates bisexuality, which is just as valid as any other sexuality.

I know this doesn't exactly help with clarification, but, as I said earlier, sexuality really can only be defined by you. And like I said, your sexuality is always valid because its what you feel and is tue to you. I know you are attracted to women and men because you told me you were. Your feelings are valid even if you are not exactly sure which label, if any, you want to use. From what you said, it sounds as if you identify as bisexual, so I would go with that label if it's most comfortable for you; if not, then I wouldn't.

I am curious; do you feel pressured to label yourself? I ask that because I know a lot of people do, especially myself, but many people do not fit perfectly into a label when it comes to sexuality or anything in life, really. To expect everyone to fit into a tight label is unrealistic. Labels are important to many people to identify themselves, but if you feel a label is too narrow for you, you could find or make a new one. One of the staff members on here mentioned using the term queer, which is a general umbrella term for people identifying with the LGBT+ community. You may feel comfortable choosing that label if you're still unsure about using bisexuality but are still looking for a label. Whatever you do, it should be something you are comfortable with, because at the end of the day you'll still be with yourself, and you want to be true and honest to yourself.

I hope some of that helped!

[Alice O]

Hey themindwonders,

Welcome to the boards

To add a little to thewrit3r's great response--

I'm hearing you say that you feel sexually attracted to women, fantasize about them, and have thought about what it would be like to go on dates or be in a relationship with a woman, but that you also date, and sometimes fantasize about, men. So it sounds to me like you are attracted to and interested in multiple genders. What you want to call that is up to you! Maybe bisexual feels "right" for you. Or maybe you'd prefer queer. Or questioning. Your choice!

Here is a great Scarleteen piece that talks about this, as well as many other aspects of sexuality:
Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

You also said: "I think would be nervous holding their hand in public at first as I would be coming to terms with it myself and as a person I wouldn’t want to hide my relationship as I want to show I am proud of my partner." Feeling those nerves, but also not wanting to feel those nerves, makes a ton of sense. It may take some work--some reflection and processing--but I think your comfort with being in a same-gender relationship in public would change with time. I'm also wondering if some of those potential nerves might be stemming from homophobia in our cultures, and worrying about other people's reactions to seeing you romantically with a woman?

Finally, if you are comfortable, I would definitely recommend talking to your friends who aren't straight. Or, in addition, friends who are straight who you think would be open and supportive. It can really help to talk about these things IRL, in addition to online in boards like these.

[themindwonders]

Thank you so much for these amazing responces!

I have been an anxiety sufferer for many years, do you think subconsciously this could be part of where my anxiety comes from? because I’ve been conflicted about who I really am?
It’s almost as if I have known I am bisexual for years but yes, I feel I’m still in denial. I still could be in denial because I wouldn’t know how other people would respond. My household family would love me unconditionally but I think some other family members wouldn’t be ok with it.
“I wonder if you worry that you are not "really" bisexual because you are questioning your identify?” YES! I never thought about it like that but it really does make a lot of sense now, I am deffinatley thinking about myself in a whole new light

“It's also important to note that bisexuality is often not a "phase" for people. Some people have fluctuations in their sexualities because sexuality can be very fluid, but it's not a "phase", if that makes any sense. I don't like that word because it really invalidates bisexuality, which is just as valid as any other sexuality. ” This is a very good point, I think because a lot of people where I come from say “oh it’s just a phase” and I feel like that it is that way, even thought I know it’s not

I had no idea that queer was just a general umbrella term for LGBT! I feel so educated! And to be honest I do feel pressure to label myself and I think labelling myself would put my mind to bed and to be honest I want to be proud of my sexuality !

I will speak to some friends I trust, If I was to come out do I tell family or friends first?

And thanks again ! you both have really helped me so far

[thewrit3r]

I also suffer from anxiety, so yes, I can see how that would come into play. Mental illness makes us more insecure of who we really are and that in itself can cause a lot of anxiety and uncertainty. Unfortunately, too, due to LGBT+ discrimination, may individuals suffer from anxiety or other emotional disturbances because society doesn't fully accept them yet. And you mentioned that you are worried about what people will think if they see you in a relationship with another women, correct? That likely is also causing some anxiety. Are you receiving any treatment? Therapy could help with managing anxiety. In addition, if you're at school (college or high school) you probably have counsleors you could talk to. Better yet, there are therapists out there who specialize in sexuality and indentity. Also like Alice said, talking with your non-straight friends could help you voice your fears in a safe, supportive space, which could help ease your anxiety. And there may be supper groups out there for the LGBT community as additional support.

This kind of goes with the anxiety aspect you mentioned, but perhaps you could just tell the family members you trust your orientation if you feel comfortable and ask them not to tell anyone else. Let them know this is something you are not comfortable sharing with people who may not be supportive and since you know they are supportive, they should respect your wishes.

I'm glad some of what I said helped! I personal felt that way and it's something I still struggle with, because my sexuality flucates quite a bit and I'm still not 100% sure I indentify as bisexual. But of course there's no such thing as a "true" bisexual; if you're bisexual then you are bisexual, plain and simple! Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you have told me about your attraction to men and women, and how you personally feel, that seems to be the label you are comfortable with at the moment. If that is the case, I would use it! Whatever makes you comfortable and feel like you are really you.

I'm not sure why, but there is a different stigma surrounding bisexuality that really invalidates it by saying things like "it's a phase" when it really isn't. Bisexual erasure, not acknowledging that bisexuality exists, is a real problem many bisexuals face. You may even want to look for other bisexuals or othwes attracted to multiple genders for support. Do you have any friends who identify as bisexual? They may really be able to help provide you support because they've likely been where you are.

I actually just found out the term myself! I think as humans we naturally want to label ourselves because we desire to fit somewhere in this world, to find other people we identify with. So I would go with the label you feel most comfortable with.

As far as who to come out to, that's really up to you. Who do you feel more comfortable telling first? You might want to spend some time reflecting on that to help make your decision. Perhaps after speaking to your friends you'll discover who you're most comfortable with sharing to first

You're welcome! I'm glad we could help! That's what we're here for, after all And feel free to update us if you would like

[themindwonders]

Hi guys, just giving you an update
I just wanted to say a massive thank you to both of you, I have come out to some of my friends and family as a bisexual woman and I have honestly never been happier and the response has been positive so thank you

[Sam W]

That rocks! Thank you so much for updating us

[thewrit3r]

That's great! I'm glad everything worked out!

[Alice O]

Yay! Happy to hear that themindwonders