Brother's Anxiety

[stlyogi9]

Hi! This post is about a family issue so I hope I'm posting in the right place.

My younger brother is 22 and has pretty severe anxiety and depression. He recently graduated from college (yay!) but still has some major growing up to do. I always try to be sympathetic and understanding when it comes to his issues but he does make it slightly difficult. For example, he does not drive. He got his license when he was in high school and hit two parked cars (not sure how he passed his driving test to be honest) and has only practiced driving since. I don't think he'll ever be able to drive by himself because of his anxiety. Anyway, he also has anxiety about public transportation. He feels like everyone is 'always looking at him' when he is walking to the train/bus and would much rather have someone take him to work if it's possible. This is usually inconvenient for others in our family because we have other places we need to be or we become frustrated because he just can't seem to deal with things that are easy for us. He also watches the same shows on his laptop over and over and doesn't like the idea of traveling or change or anything that he isn't used to. I'm scared that he is just going to live in his little bubble his whole life. He just moved back home for the summer and I'm already finding myself feeling really frustrated and irritated with him and his constant need for one of us to drive him places. He ignores the fact that some day I won't be around to drive him places and that there is a whole world outside of our city that he's missing out on. I hope I don't sound insensitive because I do really care about him, but he won't do anything about his anxiety or try to live a better life outside of it. I can't live my life around his plans/work schedule and neither can the rest of my family. It's not fair to us. Having anxiety isn't fair to my brother either but I'm not a chauffeur. Are there any tips for dealing with this situation? He just gets depressed when I try to talk to him about it because he already feels like he doesn't amount to much because of his depression, or he gets extremely defensive and angry.

[Mo]

I can understand how this situation could be frustrating for everyone involved! Even when you really care about someone and have sympathy for their problems, their behavior can still cause conflict.

It sounds like your brother isn't getting any help for his anxiety or depression right now; do I have that right? If he is seeing a therapist or doctor, they could help him work on this transit anxiety, but I'm thinking that's not something he's decided to do from what you've written here. And while I understand that you're all worried about your brother, that decision to seek out help is going to be his. Your parents might even be able to push him into an appointment, but if he doesn't want to be there he probably won't get a lot out of it.

Do you have any sort of set schedule in place that lets him know when you and your parents generally are or aren't available to drive him places? If not, I think it might be helpful if you can him know when you're willing and able to be generally available, and how much warning you might need if he needs a ride at other times. That doesn't mean that you have to be free any time you don't have plans; you can choose how much you are willing to do this.
So, you could say "I'm happy to take you places before noon on these days, and I'm free after 4 these other days, but if you need a ride in the middle of the day on weekdays, please ask a week in advance so I can see if that's possible" or something similar. There may be times he wants to do something when none of you are able to drive him, but it is ok to say no sometimes.

You mention a job, so that probably needs to be the priority in terms of getting him somewhere when needed. But does he have coworkers he can carpool with? Any friends who are willing to pick him up for social events? If the non-work things he wants to be driven to aren't group social events, and therefore not time-dependent, that's an area where he can be more flexible and I don't think you need to worry as much about rearranging things you have planned to take him places. I don't know all the things he's wanting a ride to, or how far away those things are, so some requests might be easier than others.

My thought here, in terms of the scheduling, is to put something a bit more formal in place so you aren't feeling ambushed by a lot of requests and he has an idea of when it does and doesn't make sense to ask for assistance. This doesn't solve the problem of him being dependent on you for rides, but that's really something he has to fix for himself, either by looking into carpooling or seeking out some ongoing therapy or other professional help.

Also, I encourage you to find a way you can connect with him this summer, so you can spend time with him that isn't tinged with car-related frustration. Do you like any of the shows he watches? Is there anything outside the house you both enjoy?