Literally unable to move on

[pennyvalence]

I'm 22 - came to this site when I was getting ready to have sex for the first time bc queer sex ed is seriously lacking. And coming back now... for advice on dealing with the break up. My partner & I were friends for a year before dating for four months (long distance). I was in my senior year of college, he had graduated. It was VERY serious - told his friends I was "the one", told me he was planning on marrying me, we talked about family planning for our future children & made appointments. My first sexual partner & first romantic partner, and he fully convinced me that he loved me in an actionable way. Well... two days after I visited him in his city, he broke up with me. Too many "red flags" - my anxiety was too much to deal with in person, I wasn't extroverted enough, he thought he could handle it but he couldn't. Says our love isn't romantic anymore but he wants to be friends because he loves me dearly.

I am crushed. Still. One month later. I am so completely in love with him and so completely devestated about the reasons we broke up... can't stop going thru the what-ifs. Does anyone have advice on how to move past this? I am under no impression we will get back together but I just miss him so much and I can hardly think of anything else. Doesn't help that I've just graduated and am now back home instead of in the city I thought I was moving to... with all the jobs I applied to. Any words of wisdom would be very appreciated.

[Iwanthelp]

Part of recovery from a break-up involves taking time off from that person and getting used to not having them around. You're still in contact with him and receiving mixed messages from him (Saying he 'loves you dearly' after a breakup is...I'm sorry but that's incredibly reckless on his part, even if he just means platonic/friend love you don't say that to an ex you've just broken up with) so its' not surprising you feel unable to move on. The captain awkward site goes into how to recover from breakups in more detail - I've had similar feelings before (Wondering why I wasn't over it a month later) and in hindsight it was for two of the reasons you mentioned, still being in contact with the person and them giving me reckless "oh but I still care about you!" messages involving the word love or...anything too close to that, honestly. (With mine it was 'I want to hold you', irony because they went about the breakup in a dickish way)

Take all the time you need, a month isn't that long plus you had a lot of your future plans banked on this guy. It doesn't feel like it at the moment but this feeling of grief won't last forever.

[Redskies]

pennyvalence, welcome to the boards, and I'm so very sorry that you're going through this and finding it so hard.

I'd co-sign Iwanthelp's excellent advice above.

How would you feel about taking some space from your former partner? Does that seem like something that might help?

Break-ups tend to be painful and difficult no matter the circumstances. When it's your first big love - and it's sounding like this was, and you said it was your first romantic and sexual partner - it's such a big, emotional up-ending thing.

Are you already familiar with the model of seeing a break-up as a loss, and of needing to grieve for that in a similar way to needing to grieve other big losses? In what you've said so far, I'm hearing you talk about the loss of the relationship you had with this person, the loss of how he originally thought of you, and the loss of the way you were thinking your life was going to be. That's a whole lot to lose all at once; it's not at all surprising that you're still feeling crushed. A month isn't a whole lot of time for all of that.

Have you seen Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking? Personally, I've found that to be full of a great many words of wisdom, and one of the most sensible and compassionate things about break-ups around anywhere.

From what you said, it sounds to me like your former partner made some very big errors that've turned out very hurtful for you. It sounds like he in particular moved very, very fast with his feelings and plans, faster than is wise or even realistic. Four months in a relationship isn't all that long in the whole scope of things. That's not to diminish your relationship in any way: a lot shorter than four months is plenty long enough to have huge feelings about someone, to feel incredible about someone, to feel incredible that we've met and are with this person. But it's not long enough to be able to have a true picture that we're likely to be compatible with someone long-term into the future.

It's not your fault, or anything about you, that he maybe misjudged himself or coloured in the picture himself when he'd only had enough time to see the outlines and not yet your own colour scheme. That's an error that people make sometimes, particularly when they're head-over-heels and wrapped up in the new wonderfulness, and sometimes they don't know they're doing it. It certainly doesn't make it hurt any less when we're on the receiving end of it, though.

How do you think we can best help you at the moment? For example, we could talk about processing loss, or about strategies for getting through each day as best you can at the moment, and/or other things you need with this?

[pennyvalence]

Thank you both for your advice. We've been in contact fairly often (once every few days at least). All of my friends are telling me it's a bad call but I'm so scared of losing my best friend - I can't imagine getting through life without him. I mean I like obviously WOULD, but... the reason I haven't intentionally created space is because I was thinking, why deliberately lose another relationship (our friendship) when I've already lost our partnership?? But... maybe it doesn't work like that. I'm definitely feeling a lot of frustration in our convos because it's so hard for me to not remember (and desperately miss) the sweet, kind and loving things he used to say to me. Felt really heard and valued before and I'm not getting that now. Can't remember if this is what it felt like when we were "just friends" the first time - not that friendship is a rung below partnership, but you know.

I've read that article, and also the one about losing first loves, and articles from elsewhere online, but I'm still having a hard time. I love him - he's not "toxic", I don't wish his behavior would change, our communication was great. You're supposed to "learn" from breakups and all I'm feeling is... ok, so I should definitely not trust the next person who says they love me! Because I will do something wrong or be anxious at an inconvenient time and ruin it... etc etc etc.

What I'd love from you guys is what you just said: help processing this loss, help moving thru the world when it feels like ALL I can do is spend my every moment thinking about how much I miss him and how sad and guilty I feel about the breakup. And maybe... thoughts about how I should continue this friendship with him. I DO want to be friends. He was and is such an important part of my life, from even before we started dating. But it's really hard right now. I don't know what to do!

[Alice O]

Hey pennyvalence,

I'm resonating really hard with a lot of what you're saying! Before I get into some direct responses, just wanted to say sorry for the tough time you're having

I want to second what Iwanthelp and Redskies have said--I think some space from him is important, for many reasons you touched on. It is really hard to directly transition from a romantic relationship to a friendship, especially when one person is feeling hurt. It makes total sense that you are comparing the current relationship dynamics to what they were like when you were together romantically, and feeling sadness about that change. I also hear you that you don't want to lose an important friendship after losing an important partnership! But from what you're describing, it doesn't sound like this is an ideal friendship right now--seems like it is, understandably, bringing up a lot of tough feelings. Would it help to frame taking space from him, as a step toward helping your long-term friendship? Obviously it's okay if you end up deciding you don't want to be friends, but if you do, I think taking some space to heal will be key. What do you think about that?

I also want to comment on the reasons he gave you for ending the relationship. In your first post you shared that he attributed it to you being too anxious and not extroverted enough, and in your last post you mentioned feeling guilt and worry about a future partner responding similarly. You said you are worried "I will do something wrong or be anxious at an inconvenient time and ruin it." But you know what? You will! We all make mistakes, and have feelings, and sometimes those feelings don't come up at the perfect time. But when you find a partner that is a better fit for you, that won't be a deal-breaker. Ideally, we want our partners to support us, and when that isn't possible, to communicate those boundaries! Does that make sense?

Sounds like you have already done some reading around on the website, but I'd suggest checking out this piece: Self-Care a La Carte. Do any of the ideas on this big list feel like something you could try this week as you continue working through this?

[pennyvalence]

You're right about it not being a deal-breaker for a future partner - I really appreciate hearing those words, because I know they're legit. I am what I am & there's not much I can do to change my anxiety - I need someone who's able to ride the waves with me (or stand on the beach while I do... lol).

I'll check out the self care article - thanks for sending it my way. And I'm feeling pretty confident now that I need to create intentional space between my ex & I. Now my only question is... how do I go about that? Aka how long do I set the time for? "I'll see you when I see you - I need some time"? Or... "I need three weeks" ... three months?? Is it unfair to leave the timeline up in the air?

[Ashleah]

Hi Penny,

Hope you don't mind me jumping in. Really, you can't know how much time you need away from your ex since it will be new for you. If anything, creating a deadline would be unfair to yourself! You don't have to give it a certain amount of time and that might end up putting pressure on you to be ready if you are not.