Worried about a future boyfriend?

[calmandcute]

Hi,
This is probably going to sound weird, but I'm still unsure. I want to have a boyfriend in the future, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to feel what I want to towards him. I am very much in love with fictitious characters, and it seems to have an impact on my "love life" so to speak. Because of my love of these fictional characters, I have almost delusions that the guy I date should be exactly what I expect and want him to be. I know that isn't the case, and I understand, but it's gone a bit far. I get crushes on guys at school, but as soon as I know they're also interested in me, I start seeing all of their flaws and seeing how much more perfect my characters are. My standards are just so unrealistically high. I want to change it, I really do, because I want to like a guy for him, but I'm afraid that my mind won't change. What should I do?

[thewrit3r]

I would say you're already looking to change your expectations since you've acknowledged that your expectations in a guy probably aren't realistic and that you would like to change that. Being aware of our thoughts is the first step to taking any change we would like to, so you're off to a great start!

Maybe you should take some time to think about why your expectations for men are so high. Have you been hurt by guys in the past? Even if you haven't been in a relationship before, perhaps you were interested in a few guys but they didn't turn out to be who you expected.

But it could be that you spend more time with fictional characters than guys in real life. While everyone loves fiction, some people really get invested into characters, start seeing them realistically if they're especially well written - I know I do. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you realized that fictional characters can be flawless because they're not really people, people create them and can make them however they please. It's kind of like seeing models in photoshop - they look "flawless" until you realized there was a lot of editing going on and they look just like us. Taking a step back and realizing that could help loosen some of your expectations of men.

I also wonder, do you spend a lot of time watching there characters on television/film or whatever format they're in? Do you spend more time with them than people? How much time is "too" much is relative, but if you find yourself constantly comparing the men you know in real life to fictional characters, that could be a sign that you may need to step away from the characters for a moment. We can overdo anything in life; moderation is the key. Perhaps you could keep track of how often you spend time with the fictional characters and see if you could cut down a bit. Spending more time with the people you know in real life could help you realize that no one is perfect but that's okay because most of us are doing our best.

And think of this: you're human, too. You're flawed because no human is perfect. Could you imagine being with a "perfect" guy, then? It wouldn't be an equal relationship. Remember, we're all human, and we all make mistakes, and remembering that can make us more forgiving of other people's flaws because we have them, too.

I hope some of what I said helped!

[Redskies]

Hi calmandcute,

thewrit3r covered the parts here about how expectations can be unhelpful pretty comprehensively. I'd like to talk about a completely different angle to your question

When I read your question, I was thinking that what you're describing might not be any kind of a problem at all, and that how you're feeling about dating guys at the moment might not say anything about how you'll feel in the future.

Do you actually want to date or have a boyfriend, and feel ready for those things, at the moment? I ask because at 15, plenty of people don't. When someone doesn't actually want to date, or doesn't feel ready for it, it's not uncommon to look around and find that every single person is unappealing as a potential datee. If you think it's something you'll want in the future but you're just not there yet, keeping things fictionalised might be a safe and healthy way for you to explore your thoughts and what you might want in the future. It's very, very common for people to have deep crushes on fictional characters or unavailable distant idols (like pop or sports stars), and these crushes fill a really important role of enabling someone to begin to get their first thoughts together about what they might like in a relationship, without also needing to navigate the whole big part that is another real person's own feelings and needs.

Is any of that sounding like what you're experiencing?

Too, I'm strongly in favour of "high standards" and high expectations for dating! People are likely to have much happier relationships when they're only pursuing ones that they think might fit with their own needs and where they'll be really happy. What's important with that is being able and willing to see the person in front of you for who they are, and asking yourself "do I really like this person and do I think I'd like to spend time with this person?", rather than trying to match anyone against an exact image you already have in your head.

If you don't want to or feel ready to date at the moment, or if there's no particular person around you who you really want to date, that's absolutely okay. These kinds of things change a lot over the course of all of our lives, usually quite a few times, as we develop and our circumstances and wants change.

How are you doing with friendships and other social connections? Do you feel the same or differently about those than how you do about potential dates/boyfriends?

[calmandcute]

Hi,
Thank you for clearing that up for me! It makes a lot more sense now. That makes me feel so much better that I'm just imagining all of the qualities I want in my mind so it will help me in my future dating life I don't want a boyfriend just yet (no one at school is very appealing) and I'm doing fine with the rest of my social connections. Thank you so much for helping me!

[Redskies]

I'm very happy to help, and you're so welcome!

[thewrit3r]

Glad everything worked out!