going the distance

[jurassicwars]

been in a relationship for 5 years with my girlfriend and all we dois kiss and i am feeling like i wanna start doing more like maybe give hickeys talk dirty maybe try oral how do i go about telling her i would like to do more things with her. and we both still live with our parents and both of us dont drive

[Alice O]

This article is a great resource. I would suggest giving it a read! Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[jurassicwars]

probably a stupid questin but im gonna ask anyway should i ask her parents next time im over with my girlfriend and her family if we could have some private time should i ask mine would that be weird i never really talked about sex much with my parents or wanting to do things with my girlfriend and not sure if i need to talk to them before we start to see if they would be ok with it or not

[Redskies]

What kind of arrangements do you already have with your parents about you yourself, and your parents, each having private time in your home? For example: some families have a house rule about knocking on someone else's bedroom door before you go in. Do you and your parents already have anything like that?

Have your parents already told you any rules or expectations for you and your girlfriend in your house? What were those rules?

Usually, it's better for each person to talk to their own parents, rather than talking to a partner's parents. So, usually, it would be better for your girlfriend to talk to her parents rather than you talking to them. Have you already talked with your girlfriend about you and she having more private time, and is it something she wants too?

[Ashleah]

Hi Jurassicwars,

This is not a stupid question at all! Having privacy and a space that you both would feel comfortable being together in is an important piece to a healthy sexual relationship. It's great that you are considering ways to create this space. And it definitely can be tricky when you are living with someone else, especially parents.

It's not a requirement for you to tell your parents that you are having sex. Although, when people require their parents to be involved in their sexual healthcare or any aspect of having a healthy relationship (which might be things such as acquiring birth control, insurance, going to a doctor or clinic, etc.) we wouldn't recommend sneaking around.

I have a few questions to get a better idea of your situation. Are you in a position where you would be able to get your own place (or work towards that)? Also, are guest allowed in the home when your parents are away? And do you have your own space in the house, such as a private bedroom?

Do you want to talk to your parents about sex? If you and your parents have a good enough relationship, where there is some trust in place, you might be able to ask them for privacy without sharing that it is about sex.But I think it would be best for your girlfriend to discuss having privacy with her parents instead of you asking. She would have the best idea of how to approach that conversation.

[jurassicwars]

to answer your question redskies i keep my bedroom door closed when im in but they do open it without knocking should i ask them to start knocking before they open it and i normally masturbate at night with everyone is asleep and the other answer to your question is cant have door closed with girlfriend maybe i can ask them about that. to answer ashleahs questions i work but right now ivolunteer at the library where i live and havent talked about moving out yet and my parents are both retired and home alot and yes i have my own bedroombdo you think i should bring up the topic of having more privacy for my room and being able to have privacy with my girlfriend in my room also to spend time alone with her kinda nervous to ask them this any ideas of what i should say or ask.

[Mo]

I think it would be fine to ask your parents to knock (and wait for a response from you saying it's ok to come in) before entering your room, and to ask about giving you some privacy with your girlfriend, although it might help to have those as two separate conversations.

[jurassicwars]

should i ask them there views of me watching porn or not

[jurassicwars]

how should i go about asking for private time or privacy for me and my girlfriend

[Redskies]

To answer your question about discussing porn-watching:
It depends what you want and what you feel comfortable with. You don't have to ask your parents their opinion about watching porn, or talk with them about you watching porn, if you don't want to. When people talk to their parents about sex, usually that's because they want their parents' advice about something or they want some help getting healthcare. People don't talk about all of the details of their sex life with their parents because sex and sexuality is an area of life where it's healthy for parents and offspring to have some space and privacy from each other, at least about details.

Talking about watching porn is a different situation than talking about having privacy. When we live with other people - whether that's parents or house-mates - we have to talk about how we can live together successfully and comfortably. Agreeing how privacy works and what is and isn't reasonable for guests are things that affect everyone living in the house, so it's important to talk about those things. Watching porn is something that's part of your own personal sexual life, so you don't have to talk about it with people you live with if you don't want to.

Does that make sense? Do you want to talk to your parents about watching porn?


To answer your question about asking about privacy:
Like Mo suggested above, I think it would be a good idea to talk first to your parents about your own alone-privacy. Wanting some more privacy is a very normal thing to want, and there are lots of situations where people want privacy that don't have anything to do with sex. Being able to have a little time completely alone when we want it, for any reason at all, is a very normal human need. You might say something like: "Sometimes I'd like to have a little more privacy. When my door is shut, would you knock and wait for me to answer before coming in? I'll do the same for you, too."

Does that sound like something that you could say? It's also really important that you knock and wait for them, too. Whenever we're asking someone for more privacy and boundaries, it's very helpful and respectful to give them the same.

I think it would be a good idea to have that conversation first and see how it goes, and wait some days for everyone to get used to the new agreement. Then, you could say something like: "when my girlfriend is here, I'd like to be able to be in my room with her with the door closed, with the same agreement we usually have for knocking and waiting."

Does that seem helpful to you?

[jurassicwars]

redskies and mo you have given me good advice just trying to find a way to ask about privacy little nervous to ask

[Heather]

Can you say why you feel nervous? Particularly given your age, it seems to me that you having privacy is something that should have been a given a long time ago. Are other members of your family afforded privacy in their own rooms?

[jurassicwars]

just not use to talking about sex and things of that nature with them

[Heather]

I think if you look at what Redskies suggested, you can see that there's a way to talk about this without getting into talking about sex.

Mind, it's not like it isn't okay to talk about sex, and it's something I'd hope families were discussing looooooong before their kids were pushing 30. However, I also know that some families simply never talk about it, ever, so if you are in one of those, being the person to broach that subject might be too daunting to feel worth it, especially if you won't be living with them forever.

[jurassicwars]

talked to my mom about the privacy and said it sounds like a good idea asked about using pics and she said there is bad stuff online and i asked her if i looked at it would she be mad ane she said no but said its bad to look at that stuff left me confused that she wouldnt get mad if i looked at it so not sure if i should look or not at she said masturbating to pics of friends is ok

[Alice O]

congratulations on talking to your mom about privacy! that took bravery--i know you were feeling nervous about it. i am glad to hear that she said that more privacy sounds like a good idea. i know redskies mentioned waiting some days until you and your parents have settled in to this new agreement, and then talking to them about having some more privacy with your girlfriend in your bedroom. how is that sounding to you?

in terms of talking with your mom about pornography use--you are of course allowed to talk to your mom about this subject if that feels both comfortable and important to you. but i'm also wondering if you feel like you need to get her approval. sometimes we can feel like we need to confess certain activities to, or get approval for certain activities from, key people in our lives. for you, it sounds like those key people are your parents. i am wondering, is it a pattern that your mom wants you to get her permission for activities, even personal/private ones? or is the desire to tell her coming from you (maybe from a feeling of guilt or a feeling of nervousness?)?

either way, it is up to you to decide if you feel comfortable looking at porn. and sometimes having that decision be in our power (not someone else's) can be scary! which brings me to ask, how do you feel about looking at porn? i think it might help to try to step away from a good/bad dichotomy (often it isn't as simple as something being all "good" or all "bad") and instead check-in with what you feel comfortable with.

[jurassicwars]

i like the idea of waiting a few days to talk about the privacy thing with my girlfriend and to answer your second question i think its just a feeling of nervous ness and i find porn to be helpful when i mastrbate i also use regular pics too for example pics of goth chics that have no nudity in them and im more than happy to jerk off to some pics of friends hope thats not creepy

[jurassicwars]

it was my mom who brought up the topic of porn and sorry if this isnt ok to ask but how should i masturbate with all clothes off or just in underwear

[Ashleah]

Hi jurassicwars,

There is nothing wrong with talking about porn or any topic both you and your mother are comfortable with. But just as Alice said, it is not a requirement. If it is a conversation that makes you feel bad or doubtful about your behavior, then it would be perfectly okay to say something like "I don't feel comfortable talking about this."

As far as masturbation, it really is up to you. Whatever you prefer and enjoy is the way to go. There is no right or wrong way to do it nor does it need to always look the same. As far of masturbating to pics of friends, I'd suggest you take a look at if that changes your relationship with them in any way. Does it change the way you feel about them? Interfered with the relationship? Make you think of them only in a sexualized way? Some things to consider.

We have a ton of articles about masturbation on the main site. Would you like a few links so you can check them out? (sorry if someone already offered this)

[jurassicwars]

sure i would love some aricles on masturbation and no it doesnt change how i feel about my friends

[jurassicwars]

is it normal to feel excited about getting privacy to masturbate

[Sam W]

Yep, that's certainly a common reaction to getting new access to privacy!

[jurassicwars]

ashleah i would love to see articles on masturbation

[jurassicwars]

whats better to masturbate during the day or night and should i keep kleenex in my room for when i do masturbate or use something else

[Eddie C]

This is going to be absolutely about what you like/enjoy more. And it can also change from time to time, which is okay. Masturbation doesn't have to be a "duty" but something you'll do because you feel in the mood.