Can you get rid of a kink/fantasy?

[catpaw]

I'm 19 years old and my partner and I have been dating for 2+ years. I'm really happy in this relationship and we try to be as open and communicative as possible, in all aspects including sexuality. Here's the problem: I have a fantasy that I know would be immensely triggering for them, due to past sexual abuse (the fantasy does not involve them or any other IRL people, it's strictly fantasy). I've been struggling for a while dealing with guilt because of this. I haven't told them as I know they are not in a mentally healthy place to deal with it at all. I don't want to have this fantasy and all of the guilt it makes me feel, and I am scared that I will think of it when my partner and I are having sex. Is it possible to get rid of a kink or fantasy like this? If not, what should I do?

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards, catpaw!

I hope it's ok if I start one step back from what you actually asked. I very much hear that you're feeling guilty, but I'm not sure whether having this fantasy is feeling unpleasant or disturbing to you or if you think you're doing something wrong by having it?

[catpaw]

Hi there and thanks for responding. I wanted to say first that I really love this site and everything that you guys do, it's been really helpful to read through the articles here.

I would say it disturbs me that I would have this fantasy even though I know how much it would hurt my partner if they knew about it. I try my hardest not to think about it but it seems to always come into my mind when masturbating which makes the whole process kind of unenjoyable. I just always imagine how they would react and how bad it would be if they could see what was in my head, and it is especially upsetting since I'm used to sharing everything with them. Also the fantasy itself is something I would find disturbing in any other context, so I'm not sure how it became a fantasy?? It just makes me feel really gross. Sorry if I am word dumping here...

[Redskies]

Thanks, and we're so happy you find it helpful!

Noone else is hurt by an idea or a thought we have in our minds. We're allowed to keep our minds as a private space. I'm a big, big fan of openness and honesty; the thing is, even complete openness and honesty doesn't require us to share every thought in our minds. I think it's very much a part of being human that sometimes our minds follow thoughts and ideas that we don't agree with at all, or that we might find quite dark, or that we seem to want to explore as an idea but would utterly reject in reality. All of that is ok, and doesn't make any of us a bad or hurtful person.

I understand that your partner would be hurt by this fantasy. What you're saying, though, is that this fantasy is completely and only within your head, and you have no intention whatsoever of wanting to carry it out. Your mind is your own private space, and your thoughts - just thoughts - can't hurt your partner or anyone else.

It's fairly common for people to fantasise about things that they truly wouldn't want to do in reality, both sexually and non-sexually. Too, even if this fantasy were something you might want to do if it wouldn't upset your partner, it's still ok to have it: our desires don't always align with a partner's, and we're allowed to have a fantasy life that suits our own desires while still not ever, in reality, wanting to do a thing that would hurt our partner.

You've done nothing here To feel guilty about: you've done nothing wrong. I think that trying to let go of these feelings of guilt as much as you can will help some in trying to put the space you want between yourself and the fantasy: feelings of guilt tend to be pretty strong, and it's possible that the guilt feelings are bringing the fantasy back to you more often and strongly than it would otherwise.

I do hear that you're feeling distressed by this fantasy when it comes to you. If you find it disturbing and that it's interrupting your enjoyment of sex (including masturbation), you might try just taking a small break when the fantasy bothers you, as much as you need so that you're not feeling disturbed any more. I'd also suggest trying a Mindfulness approach - I'm guessing that when the fantasy comes to you, you're trying to mentally fight it off? By thinking about what would happen if your partner knew, you're ending up focusing on the fantasy even more, without meaning to. Instead, try to accept that the thought is there. Step back a little and notice that it's there; remember that it can't do anything by itself because it's a thought, and thoughts don't do anything. There's no need to do anyting about it, no need to worry about any "what-ifs" - it's simply a thought which is there. If worry about the "what-ifs" comes up, treat that in the same way: they are simply thoughts which have come into your mind. Thoughts will pass, and other thoughts will come, and go.

It's hard to deliberately not think about something. If I say "don't think about the three-trunked purple-striped elephant"... I pretty much guarantee you weren't before but you are now! Try to make my three-trunked purple-striped elephant go away. Go away, three-trunked purple-striped elephant. Not gone yet? Well, no! But if I let my elephant wander around for a while as I do other things, think of other things, it will fade, and I will forget that I wanted to forget it, and it will fade more. And if it wanders back again in the future, I will know I can just leave it to walk around and fade, so I'm not so worried about being stuck with it in the future.

Does that make some sense to you and feel like it might be helpful?

[catpaw]

Thanks so much, that definitely is really helpful. I guess I have difficulties with this for several reasons, one being that I have OCD (the pure-O kind) so I deal with unwanted thoughts on a pretty regular basis, and its even more annoying (and scary) when that starts to creep into sexual territory as well.

Another reason is that in the past I've expressed interest in certain sexual things that were triggering for my partner but I had no idea would be trauma triggers. They of course reacted in fear, became very angry with me and called those things disgusting. I know they had only reacted because of intense trauma, but being a pretty sensitive person about sexual stuff it's made me self conscious and guilty about these things. They've always apologized for it though and we are working together to process their emotions when triggered so that it isn't so damaging for either of us, and they have gotten a lot better with it.

Mostly I'm glad to at least tell someone about it and not keep it bottled up inside for so long. I do have a therapist but there's no way I'd be comfortable talking to him about it, haha. I am definitely going to try that mindfulness approach next time it comes up, and thank you again.

[Redskies]

I can imagine it feels so much better not to be keeping this bottled up! Obviously it's completely up to you what you do and don't feel comfortable sharing with your therapist, but I will say that it's a therapist's job to hear about whatever their client needs help with, and a decent therapist should not be surprised or bothered by almost anything. Too, with pure-O (and I am absolutely not an expert!), it's my understanding that people have the specific thoughts they do precisely because those are the thoughts they least want to have. If you already have techniques that you like from your therapist for dealing with thoughts that bother you, you can try those techniques for the fantasy, too.

I'm glad that your partner is able to work on things and that you've been working on things together. I'm wondering about you and your wellbeing, too, though: clearly the trauma has been on your partner's plate, but this has obviously hurt you, too. Just because their reactions came from a place of trauma and they've apologised and worked on it doesn't mean that your reactions don't count or get wiped away. It Is hurtful for someone we care about to become afraid, angry, and say that something is disgusting. It's unsurprising that you'd feel self-conscious or guilty. Can we support and help you with this?

[catpaw]

Sorry for replying so late, I've been doing some deep thinking about these things lately.

I do know that therapists should be able to help with almost anything, but it's taken a HUGE amount of effort to be able to talk about any personal problems with my therapist already, so I don't think I will be able to delve into sexual stuff any time soon As for my partner, I do know that they hurt me and they don't get a free pass even though it came from a place of trauma. However, I do forgive them, and I want to help them and work with them. The positives in our relationship greatly outweigh the negatives, and I definitely really love them so this doesn't deter me. I guess now I am just trying to figure out how to come to a place of self-acceptance in regards to my sexuality.

I hope it's OK if I ask another question, since I have been thinking about this lately and it has been weighing on me a lot. My partner and I are in a long distance relationship, we live in different countries and visit each other 2-3 times a year. I have visited them once before, and all of the other times they have visited me. When I first visited them I wasn't totally aware of the context of their past sexual abuse, but now I am. They've never told me outright but I've inferred from a lot of things they've said that they were sexually abused by their father as a child. We are planning for me to visit later this month or in December, but they still live with their parents and I am really terrified about coming into contact with this person who abused my partner. I really miss my partner and want to see them, but I get nauseous when I think about seeing their father....I don't know where to begin on this, or what I should do?!

[Mo]

One thing I think you can do is check in with your partner and see if they have thoughts on this. It sounds like your partner hasn't directly disclosed abuse, but if you're getting the idea from things they've said, I think you might be able to say something like "I get the idea that things are/have been pretty rocky with your dad, and I'm worried about seeing him because I don't know how to react to someone I know has caused you pain and distress. I'm a little worried that I'll have a hard time seeing him or being polite with him. What's the best way I can support you during this visit?" You might be able to start the conversation there without setting up a situation where your partner feels like they have to explicitly talk about abuse or other problems in the past but where they know you're worried about interacting with their father.