Relationship not going great

[capablehippie]

Is it possible that I'm making my boyfriend feel like he isn't good enough because I don't feel good enough for him?
We've been together for 2 1/2 years. We never used to fight at all. For a long time, the dynamic was that he wasn't doing so well (depression), and I would try my best to take care of him. He said the best way I could make him feel better was to just be my happy self. Around the beginning of the school year, he started feeling better (probably because he was able to get out of his house more), which is amazing.
Then, this school year turned out really bad for me. I don't know if I've really changed or I just wasn't myself. I let my grades, which are very important to me, slip, and that started a chain reaction of a not so good year. All year, he was there, getting cried on, hugging me, telling me I could do it and suffering unfair yelling.
Meanwhile, he got good grades in school, he did his work, and he generally seems to be doing a whole lot better than I am, which makes me jealous. I know I should be happy for him. I know he might have felt this way about me before, when I was doing better.
Recently I've been making him feel bad about himself, and bugging him about things I don't like about our relationship, like how he is working a bunch this summer and won't have so much time to see me. I think part of me seeing these problems is legitimate, because they didn't matter so much when we were younger and they might now. I also wonder, though, if I'm just picking out things like this to make him feel inadequate so I can feel better about myself.
I don't want to be a mean person like I have been, and I don't want him to feel bad, and I don't want our relationship to be like this. I need to change, but I think some of the problems might need to change too, in order for this to be a good relationship again. Because I could go back to being the sweet girl I usually am, but I would still be unsatisfied, so our relationship wouldn't really be back to normal.
Does this relationship seem salvageable? Am I being emotionally abusive?

[Heather]

Before I say more, can I ask how supported you feel by him during your tough time? Sounds like you worked hard to be supportive of him during his: I am curious if you feel he's been doing you the same turn.

[capablehippie]

I guess I don't feel supported enough, but I know that I should feel supported because he cares about me and tries to help me, and does help me.

[Heather]

Can you write a little about how you don't feel well supported? Instead of judging yourself and those feelings, can you just tell me more about them?

[capablehippie]

Okay. Well, there were a few times when it was late at night and I didn't want to be alone, but we weren't really talking about anything and he went to bed. I probably should have just gone to bed too. Then there's that he can't just hang out after school or casually because he has strict parents and is working a lot, so it feels like he hasn't made himself available. Which made me feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me.
There's also the issue that he doesn't want to have intercourse. Not with me, and possibly not ever. I kind of always pictured that that is something that we would do eventually. I was talking about it with my counselor, and she kind of put the idea in my head that he might not be attracted to me, or that this makes it seem like he isn't attracted to me. I tired to tell myself, maybe someday he will be gay, or identify some other way than he does now, but it doesn't matter because right now he likes me. It worked for a one time messing around, but I still have doubts now.
I feel betrayed that his struggles brought me down, but mine aren't affecting his success. I feel like he's leaving me behind, and if he really supported me, he wouldn't do so much better and keep up with his school work, and he wouldn't go and do big life things that I haven't done yet without me. Whatever change I went through this year (I don't know if it's permanent), he didn't go through with me. He was there, but he was rooting for the old me, I think.

[Heather]

Thanks, that filled me in more.

Have you talked about any of this with him as honestly as you have here? How did that go?

Also, if intercourse or other kinds of sex you want aren't an option in this relationship, what would you want then? With both this piece missing, and other bits feeling so...missing, is it possible, do you think, this just might not be so right for you anymore? Does it seem like you can get what you currently want from it, realistically, or no?

[Heather]

Btw, I also can understand you feeling rough about his hardships having such an impact on your life, but yours not seeming to do the same to him. Do you think that might be because he spent less time and energy supporting you than you did him, or was the difference more about something like not holding lines back then with your own needs?

[capablehippie]

Thank you for talking with me.
I've talked to him about honestly wanting to see him more and how much he's working, and he pretty much just says that he can't come and see me all the time and he does want to spend time with me even though he got multiple jobs for the summer. I still bug him about it periodically and that leads to fights sometimes.
I guess most of all, I want to be sure that he finds me attractive, if he's able to. I'm not really sure what could replace the big firstness of intercourse.
It is possible that it might not be. That's sad to think about. I don't want to keep hurting him and feeling hurt myself and drag that out for nothing, though. Maybe I won't want these things in a few months, or he'll want them too... If I wait about a week, we should be able to see each other at work and after work some days, so that will be one piece. I can certainly wait 1 1/2 weeks, after 2 1/2 years.
I think it's more about the latter, that I didn't take care of my needs then as much as he seems to his now. I tell him that it didn't affect me that badly, because when he thinks that he starts feeling really bad.

[Heather]

I'm going to marinate on this overnight, and get back in the morning. This is big stuff so I want to give it the time it needs.

[capablehippie]

Okay, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I'll do the same.

[Heather]

Thanks for waiting on me.

So, one big thing I want to start with is to mention that a relationship that's lasted this long at this age is pretty unusual. A lot of the why of that just has to do with how much people (and their lives) shift and change during the teens and early 20s, and thus, it's super-common for people to just outgrow each other or the way their relationships have been, even when thee haven't been big conflicts or issues.

One thing I am hearing from you -- I think I am, anyway -- in all this is what sounds like a little apathy (or what feels like it for you, anyway) coming from your boyfriend about the relationship and you. You express not feeling desired, which is probably bigger than just not having intercourse, since it's not like that is the only thing, or a thing at all, that makes someone feel that way. You also seem to be expressing not feeling like you are made a priority when you're struggling. Communication with your boyfriend about some of these things also sounds like it's perhaps just stalled out, with you not feeling like you have really gotten anything from that communication. It may even have left you feeling less resolved than before you had it.

So, I wonder if you might be open to having a REALLY open talk with him about all this, including asking him if you two might -- even though it can feel super-scary and is very loaded -- talk about the possibility, just the possibility, that your relationship as it stands and has been might possibly have run its course. I think knowing how you both feel there is really important, and that conversation might also give way to other deeper conversations. It does sound like you have some time coming up fast where you will have more time together, so I'd save big talks for then, as you want to make space and time for the big stuff, just so you can really care for each other in it and really give this the focus it deserves. Again, this has been a long time for a relationship like this at this time in life: you obviously want to honor that, including all the energy and time you have given to it.

I want to check in with something else: in talking about what you want, you seemed to lead with being found attractive. Can you say more about that being a big thing you need, and what you think that would give you? Can you also tell me some about why that feels like THE big piece of intercourse for you, rather than say, intimacy or further exploring your own sexuality? (No judgments here: just curious.)

[capablehippie]

Now I'm the one who made you wait, sorry.

This week we had 2 good days, and they were really good. We had one okay day. And we had one awful fight. This has kind of been the pattern recently. Looking at it all laid out like that, it's not something I want to keep going with, but in those good days it seems like everything will be okay.

Yes, that's how it feels. Any time I try to talk about something that's bothering me, it ends up in a fight it seems.

I think we will have to have that talk. He has said that if we broke up, he would still be thinking about me, but it would be worse because he wouldn't know how I was doing. I can't control that, though. I think I will try to start this conversation in person, which means on Thursday at the soonest, but probably later, because we would only have half an hour then. It's an awkward time to take a break or break up, because we're starting work together, but I guess if we really need to do that, we should do that. So much energy and time...

It just seems like my boyfriend should find me attractive. If he doesn't, that's embarrassing, and hurtful. It feels like a bit of a trick, because I thought he did, but now that this thing about intercourse has come out, I don't know. I tend to worry about what I eat and that I might become overweight. I ask him for a lot of reassurance about my appearance, and now it seems like it might have been coming more from a friendly perspective, than from someone who is sexually attracted to me, which is different.

I think that idea about it being the big piece might have been put in my head by my counselor. I wouldn't say I think of it as the big piece of intercourse, I would say I think of it as the big piece of him not wanting to have intercourse. I did also want to do it because we've gotten so close over the last couple of years and we've been each other's firsts in so many other ways.

Do you think I have the right to be upset about any of this? Do you think I am wanting unfair things from him?

[Heather]

No worries. I'm here at work regardless: responses and when you make them are about what works for you.

I'm struggling a little with your last questions. Not the first part: everyone has - or should have, anyway -- the right to feel how they feel. That's just a given. And the same goes with wanting what you want. Our wants aren't really fair or unfair, because our wants aren't actions or outside ourselves in any way.

But per what's fair to ask for based on ants is something else. And there's also the matter of learning when we do or might need to accept that we may really want a specific person or situation to meet our needs or wants, but it simply isn't going to happen, and if we really want those wants and needs met, we need to look elsewhere.

I hear how badly you want him to feel a certain way about you, want this same thing you do and like you want it, but from where I am sitting, it looks like that just isn't going to happen. Maybe he's just not that passionate of a dude, in general. Depending on how interested he is or isn't in other kinds of sex with you or others, maybe he's asexual. Or maybe this has always been more about platonic friendship for him all along or became that way for him. I can't speak to how attracted to you he is or isn't, or in what way, but it seems like regardless you want someone to be very outwardly expressive and intense about feelings of attraction for you, and that's obviously just not how he is or is going to be here.

This pattern you two are in sounds, to me, anyway, like a pretty typical pattern when something is either just winding down or when there is unresolved conflict. Sometimes both. Of course, I don't know what an awful fight looks like between you: fill me in?

I get the feeling that you have been in this for a long time and have been waiting for some big things to happen in it for a very long time. I can't imagine you don't feel very frustrated by now. Do you have a sense of why you are still waiting, if I have that right, even when I think it's pretty clear to you, two, this relationship and your dynamics together just aren't going to be what you have wanted them to be?

[capablehippie]

I don't want to resent him or regret our relationship, because he's been my best friend and we've been there for each other, and that relationship will probably continue in some way. But I feel like he stole the perfect high school sweethearts relationship from me. That's selfish, I know.

He seems pretty interested in other kinds of sex. I think I'm going to have to come to terms with not understanding why he doesn't want to have intercourse.

Oh, well, not that awful compared to other fights people have... we didn't even fight at all for the longest time, so any fight seems pretty awful. It wasn't even in person. It was just late at night.

I have. I do. When we're together and things are good, I think that we could be better and it's worth holding onto. Cuddling is good... Even if we want different things now, he still understands me really well. We've gotten pretty comfortable over the years. Maybe that's good and bad. We've agreed that we need to talk about our relationship, but he wants to fix things, and I'm leaning away from that.

[capablehippie]

Also, I'm afraid to be alone after so long. I still have my girl friends, but I've put up walls with them over the last year, and I don't know if I still want to be friends with them like we were before.

[capablehippie]

Well, now we've started trying to work it out and he says he wants to have sex...

[Mo]

How does it feel like things have been going, in general? Has working on things resulted in some changes that you're both wanting to implement or has it been more of a discussion without specific plans yet?

[capablehippie]

In general, they've been stressful. It was a discussion with vague plans.

[Mo]

Sometimes it takes a few discussions about an issue to figure out ways to work on it or make things better; it could be that you'll figure out some helpful steps to take soon. If it feels like your discussions tend to be more "this is the problem" than "and here's a way we might be able to fix or improve it," that might mean it's time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is really working for you.

I know you've wanted intercourse to be a part of your sex life for a while; when your boyfriend talked about wanting to have that kind of sex, how did that conversation go? Did he talk at all about why it's something he's interested in now when he wasn't into it before?

[capablehippie]

Yes, that discussion was the first of at least a few. I was told by someone I trust that if I want to fix the relationship, that I have to accept my boyfriend and myself as we are, and then I won't be disappointed by him anymore. I told my boyfriend about this and said that I would try. I know that it will be a lot of work. I figure that if I get impatient with it or it isn't happening for some other reason, then I'll know that we really aren't right for each other anymore.

It went pretty well, it was pretty brief, mostly talking about why we want to do this and me trying to make sure he actually wants to. Well, he was worried about hurting me or being selfish, but he says that the fact that I haven't let the subject go for a while shows him that I really do want to have intercourse, and I wasn't just trying to make him happy or something. He seems pretty sure and honest about wanting to do it, but we'll be taking everything really slowly, and I'm going to make sure that he really wants to and isn't just trying to convince himself.

[Sam W]

Do you find that the pattern where he doesn't take what you say as the truth until you've been saying it for awhile (which is what it sounds like he did with your desire for intercourse) is something that exists throughout your relationship?

Your friends are right that learning to accept our partner's flaws and love them as they are is important. But I also want to echo something Heather said earlier. There are flaws and mismatches that you can accept, but there are also flaws and mismatches that are a sign that the relationship just isn't going to work. That doesn't mean anyone in the relationship is bad or wrong, it just means that there were enough points of incompatibility that the relationship was not going to last.

[capablehippie]

No, that was just for this particular thing.

I still think I want to give things another try. Maybe I should set a specific amount of time, like 2 or 3 weeks, to try to fix things. I've been going back and forth all summer... And if we do break up, I want some summer left to myself and I want some time before school to adjust.

[Mo]

I think that might be a really good idea, to check in with yourself and your partner in a few weeks to see if it feels like you've been able to change things for the better. If it feels like nothing's changing or improving, then it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship and see if you want to continue it.

[capablehippie]

Okay, that's what I'll do then. I'll make it 2 weeks from last Sunday. Thanks for all your considerate advice everyone. It was helpful just to talk things out, too.