Am I bi or gay or straight... just confused

[cannavaro]

Hi, I'm really confused with my sexuality and hope to get some direct answer.

During my teen, when I watch straight porn, I tend to see cute or handsome male more than I look at woman, and I love to watch male masturbating scene. During my college time, my male friend and I had once fondle each other penis and I really enjoy the feeling, but we did not proceed further (to masturbate). At this stage, I really feel like I'm gay.

While now I had working, I had a gf with me for nearly 5 years now. We had sex every month and really in good relationship. But whenever she is not around, sometimes, I really dream to have a male body massage and masturbating together, but I'm seriously NO for anal sex, which I dislike very much. So, again, I'm confused whether am I still consider straight, bi, or more to gay?

I really want to get married with my gf and have kids together. But I really worried my bad desire affect the whole relationship and bring shame towards everyone. Please advise

[thewrit3r]

Hi,

Before I delve in any further, I just want to start off by saying that sexuality is really personal. That doesn't mean you can't get advice for others on how you feel especially if they've been in similar situations, but ultimately it will be up to you to decide what your sexuality is and what it means to you. I know it can be nerve wrecking to feel like you don't know where you fit in, but a lot of people don't know, either. Sexuality can be fluid for so many people, and part of the fun in it can be to figure out how you feel as you have new experiences. Not knowing exactly what your sexuality is doesn't mean you don't know yourself; it's simply like any other aspect of you that you've taken the time to explore. For example, when I was younger I didn't think about dance until I tried it, and then I found out I liked it. It wasn't that I didn't know myself, but I simply had never experienced dance before to know that I would enjoy it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, moving on to your question after my long winded intro: From what you wrote, it sounds like you're interested in men. And from what you wrote about your girlfriend, it sounds like you're interested in women, too. You can choose whatever label feels right for you. In the beginning you said you feel like you're gay. Why not go with that? Although gay is often thought to mean sole attraction to people of the same gender, it can also mean you are mostly, but not only, attracted to the same gender. You could also go with bisexual. There's a misconception that bisexuality means your attraction to two genders is split 50/50, but many bisexuals have preferences. You may just prefer men, but that doesn't mean you don't like women, too. I'm sure their are certain foods you like more than others, but it doesn't mean, for instance, that because you prefer the cake you don't like the ice cream, too. I know it's a pretty silly analogy, but I hope you get the point.

You could also choose to not label your sexual orientation. That's perfectly fine. Some people use the term queer when they're still exploring their sexuality or they don't really want to use a more restrictive label. We humans are pretty obsessed with labels, but we don't fit into any label perfectly. We're more fluid than that, and I think that's part of what makes life interesting.

One thing I wanted to note was when you mentioned not being interested in anal sex with another guy. There's a common misconception that anal is only used/preferred by gay men. Plenty of heterosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, etc. are into anal sex. It has to do with preferences, not sexual orientation. I just wanted to clarify that in case you felt like you "had" to enjoy anal stimulation to be gay; there's no "test" to prove if you're gay, if you're gay then you're gay and that's that!

I know I wrote a lot, but I hope some of what I wrote helped. As a last note, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not 100% set on my sexuality. I feel like it can be pretty fluid at times, but I'm learning to accept that. It's just a part of life, and it's something I'm embracing about myself.

[Karyn]

Hi cannavaro,

I just wanted to add, on top of the excellent stuff thewrit3r posted, we have a couple of articles you might find useful as you do some more thinking and reflecting on your orientation:
Q is for Questioning
The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone