HELP! I'M SCARED

[Oldvirgin]

Ok, so I'm a 22 year old virgin girl. I always thought about and wanted to have my first time with someone special, but my last and only boyfriend was when I was 14, so I never did anything beyond kidding with him. So flash forward to now, I wanna have sex, but I feel afraid to do it, I have anxiety and some body issues, so I'm really concerned about what my partner might think of me. Right now I'm talking to a guy that's 7 years older than me, and he's really sweet and I really like him. The thing is he lives in another state, so we only saw each other in person twice and we're not technically dating. Last night he came to where I live because he had a concert (he's a really talented musician) and I went to see him, and after he finishes we got to talking and he was being really sweet and holding my hand and stuff like that. But he then took me home and when we got into the taxi we started to make out, and we were touching each other and it got to the point where he opened my blouse (with my help because he was having some trouble) and he even licked, sucked and bit my boobs and I was touching his penis over his pants. So the thing is that I don't really regret what happened because it's what I wanted in that moment and I really really like him, but the thing is I'm afraid that I might have given him a wrong impression of me, and I would like to eventually have sex with him, but I don't know if I should tell him that I'm a virgin, and I'm scared and embarrassed of telling him. Also I think that because of what happened last night he might think I have more experience than I do and that having sex wouldn't be such a big deal for me, and considering he's older than me it might not have the importance for him that it would have for me. I'm just really confused right now and also really scared, I really like him but I'm afraid that he's just looking for a hook up and that if we do end up having sex and that's all he wants I'm gonna feel really used and stupid. I know it's dumb thinking that having sex defines a person so much, but I just can't shake that feeling off. I'm scared and embarrassed of telling him in a virgin and also scared to have sex, not just with him but in general. I feel that at my age I should have already done it and I feel behind all my friends. PLEASE HELP ME

[Jacob]

Hello Oldvirgin!

Welcome to scarleteen!

I'll start by saying good-job for asking about this, it can be really difficult to communicate what we're scared of with a partner (or a sex ed website!), whether that partner is a casual partner or a long term one. This can also be difficiult in a world that sometimes places a lot of emphasis on virginity.

Truth be told, we all mature at different paces, this doesn't necessarily correspond with when someone first has any sort of sex. It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your sexuality, what you are scared of, and you have been really clear here.

We can't control how people react to what information we tell them, but I'd say that if you're as clear to him as you have been here you will have done a good job.

If he's not able to get his head around the possiblity that someone hasn't had sex before, or if he isn't interested in the kind of thing/relationship/sex which you would like with him, it'd be really helpful to find that out by asking! There's also the equally possible scenario where he gets it and you have an awesome experience.

How does that sound?

[Oldvirgin]

Thanks Jacob!
My main fear is how to bring up the subject and what would I do if he does say he's not interested in something beyond sex or something physical.
We haven't talked since that happened on Tuesday, he just texted me later that night saying that he loved seeing me and that he was still amazed with my kisses. But that's it, and right now I can't help to think that maybe that's all he wanted and I'm starting to feel really stupid and used and that he was lying the whole time when he said that he would love to go out with me, that I was really sweet and gorgeous and that he couldn't wait to go on a proper date with me. He said all those things before what happened, and I feel like it was all just to get what he wanted. I hate having that feeling because a)I feel stupid, and b) he's a person I really admire and that would've never thought could be or do something like that, so I don't know if I should ask him if he's just looking for a hook up or if he's really interested in something more serious with me. I know that I probably would never have the courage to ask him directly, but maybe you could have some suggestions about how to start the conversation and eventually ask him. Thanks in advance

[Sam W]

Talking to him about this and asking him what he's looking for is definitely a good route to go, and we can certainly help you out with it! I think, as Jacob mentioned above, if you explain things to him you way you have to us here you'll be able to communicate what you need and why it's important to you to know what he's looking for (and he sounds like he's pretty considerate, so hopefully he'd be receptive to what you say). We have a few different articles that can give you strategies for doing that:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

Looking at those articles, and considering what Jacob and I have said, is having this talk with him starting to feel like something you're comfortable doing? If not, what would you say is your main worry about it?

[Jacob]

I would add that if that if what you are scared of is 'bad result'... a.k.a rejection, not wanting the same thing, it is also itself a good result. It means avoiding a bad experience and it makes that conversation a lot easier the next time you have it with someone else.

It doesn't always feel great. But in the long term is honestly a good thing.