Feelings are complicated

[Sam W]

Hi Faust, nice to see you again

I'm glad to hear the summer has been good for you. With N, have there been things that shifted your perception of him?

Have you been talking to a professional lately about your depression? Having some to process with could be useful, and wouldn't automatically mean you'd be put on medication.

[pinocchio]

Hi Sam, thank you for your kindness.

I wouldn't say that my perception or real feelings towards N have changed. I think I have become a little more sensitive to him, though. Frankly, I think the cause of the change is that S is now gone, so I don't feel like I need to be disparaging towards N just to "preserve" that relationship. I went to extra lengths to portray my relationship with S in the most flattering light and mine with N in the most negative. Both accounts have some elements of truth in them, just washed over many many times with feelings. Humans are loss-averse: We dislike losing things more than we like getting things, and so the issue of my relationship with S was more emotionally immediate to me than any positive aspects of my friendship with N.

Now I've just been following the path of least resistance.

I have to say, I was surprised with my decision to have sex with N. It was rather spur of the moment. We were both working at a week-long summer program, and lived in the same dorm building, so it was a matter of flirtation, convenience, and sheer dysphoric euphoria on my part. It wasn't bad. I kind of regret it, though; I would like to say that my first time was really meaningful and that I felt secure about it. I do feel secure in my relationship with N, though—a little too secure.

I haven't talked to N much in the past two weeks. Actually, I haven't really talked to him at all. It's partially due to my schedule: The first few days, I was visiting extended family, and then from there I went to a 10-day intensive where basically I took an entire college trimester in one week. So I haven't had time to talk to N, but at the same time, I've been kind of enjoying it. For a long time, I have felt as if N and his attraction to/affection for me are an enroaching storm waiting to inundate me. Perhaps as I get farther and farther away from high school and from S, I will feel less threatened. N initially expressed his attraction to me only two months after I started having issues with S, so I feel that much of my aversion towards him has been that I still need to guard against something that I wasn't ready for a year and a half ago. Also, both N and S were good friends of mine before all of this happened. That really didn't help.
I've wanted to get space from N just because I want things to settle in my life before I have another romantic relationship. Basically, N has wanted a timing for things that I have not wanted. He understands this, although like most infatuated people, he will jump at any sign of affection I show him, so often things have moved forward at a rate that unsettles me anyway.

It's hard in that I know my mom was right in many regards. Here are the issues with S:

1) Power/status difference. Long before I was attracted to him, from an intellectual vantage, I considered S to be the ideal violinist. He has been my role model, mentor, peer group leader: he is a professional authority, and close to a celebrity. When he began seeking out my attention 2 and a half years ago, I was thrilled and also scared that he considered me to be his equal. It makes it very hard for me to communicate my true feelings to him sometimes, because I am afraid of seeming a) weak and undisciplined (he is also my coach/mentor as a musician) and b) too needy (status difference making this a "catch" for me). I know that he values our friendship as well, otherwise he never would have done half of the things he's done for me. Still, it's disconcerting.
2) I mentioned in early posts that S is very introverted. In many regards, he fits the socially inept prodigy stereotype. He deals with his own emotions mostly through work, and when he does discuss or express them, it is mostly in the privacy of his own family. Meanwhile, I've been very emotionally "hot" my entire life. As a child, my parents had to leave movie theaters with me, because the sound and bright lights combined with the stress and suspense of the plot would make me freak out. I cry in public easily, and have experienced severe anxiety and depression. So that's not really an easy combination to work with. I understand S and how he works intellectually, and have compassion for him, but sometimes it's really damn hard for me to calm down.

So my mom was right—N, outgoing, socially practiced, stable, safe N is a much better partner for me than S purely in terms of how long the relationship would last. That doesn't make things simple, though, because emotions are different from reason.

So I think, actually, just having written this out and talked to someone who is not N about it for the first time in several months, I may be okay.

I like to make people handmade cards, so I think I will send S one this summer. Last night, I dreamt that he and I were 14 years old again. However, the difference was that it wasn't my mom asking his mom about how he practices violin; I was asking him how he practices. We were having the conversation ourselves.

This is where I'm starting over.

Thank you, Scarleteen, for being here for me unconditionally.

[Karyn]

Sometimes just writing things down can be a big help; I'm glad this was a space for you to be able to do that. Is there anything in particular in your post you'd like help with/feedback on, or did you just want to get those thoughts out somewhere?

[pinocchio]

Thank you, Karyn!

This is something I just wrote in my diary. I'm going to paste it here, because it serves as an exposition for my question:

When we think of difficult things, we think of tasks that require us to put off a reward or maintain some sort of discomfort. When we think of easy things, we think of things that satiate our desires and wants, that make us comfortable. Therefore, it is a strange thought indeed that we would want to put off feeling our emotions.

What they don't tell you is that sometimes, the consequences of one's emotions seem immense. In a weird and perverted way, it's sometimes easier to pretend you're purely rational and in control, "mature", call it, rather than address basic realities of feeling.

This is what I think when I'm lying awake at 11:30, slowly fingering the development of Bartók on my abdomen, wondering where all the air went from my lungs. Slowly, they fill back up as memories seep back in. Some things don't cease to be important just because you say you don't care.

I suppose this is something that really hasn't been reflected in my posts on here: I am generally an ascetic person. When I was 14, I lost 25% of my body weight (I believe the popular name is "anorexia"), and have been known to do such things as practice violin for 6+ hours a day. For the last few years, I've been really big on the idea of mental toughness. My hourly routine involves meditating and trying to clear my mind of all suffering for the good things that exist in the moment. When I started having problems with S, I tried to push him from my mind completely by focusing on my school and practicing because I didn't want anyone (e.g. my mom) to be able to accuse me of giving in emotionally and staying with a partner who was "bad for me". (That phrase still upsets my stomach and makes my whole upper body tense up.)

Most of the time, I'm in a delirious haze of anxiety; often, it's so bad I can't focus on tasks at all. The harder I try, the worse it gets: You would think that focusing more would help me write a college application essay, but it seems to draw the blank closer and closer to me. What I do manage to squeak out is hardly syntactically coherent, and worst of all, I've hardly gotten any work done for what seems like tera-Joules of effort. If the mind is an iceberg, with just the tip as the conscious mind, then for the past two years, I've felt as though there's a horrible shark lurking just below the surface, waiting for me to stop swimming.

Lately, since school is out and I'm not at a summer music program this year, I've been taking the time to just let myself completely unwind and stop trying... and it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. When I accept that I did leave my heart behind about two years ago, and that nothing has made sense since then, that I still have a lot of emotional issues to work out, I finally feel okay.

N uses the word "lovely" a lot to describe our relationship, and to me it's always felt like a gross appropriation of the word "lovely". The phenomenon where you say a word over and over, like "opinion opinion opinion opinion opinion opinion" and it loses its meaning. I've always considered these sentiments a prejudice against N—after all, I did consent to having sex with him, and he is a constant companion of mine. Not that I really choose to have him as a companion—if I don't text back, he keeps texting me and makes me feel bad that I haven't responded. In fact, that's how we got to being friends in the first place—he said it was rude of me not to reply to his texts when he was being so polite. He is currently a "close" companion of mine, and I'll discuss why I put those quotation marks there now.

Once, in December 2016, when he first convinced me to date him, he made some comment about our emotional closeness. I don't totally remember what it was. I remember, however, that I said that I felt our relationship was a cocoon. To which he of course replied, "That's horrible and the opposite of what I hope it is."

N doesn't really play any role in my identity story for myself, other than that he's a good friend, and I'm annoyed that I've let him take things this far sexually and annoyed that he's dragged me into it.

I feel like my feelings are stuck back with S. Does it sound like that to you?

[pinocchio]

Yes, I'm starting to think that there's a lot I'm deliberately ignoring.

S is still a very important friend to me, and I will cherish those years I had with him and his brothers forever.

[pinocchio]

This has been more helpful than I can articulate.

Another thing that confirms this for me: As I was cleaning my computer, I encountered some of my old writing, from when I was 13 or so. At that age, I had a huge crush on a girl whom S knows well; she's two years older than us. It was an extremely one-sided attraction (status imbalance as with S, but even more so; she was older; and she's straight), with a ton of issues. For the past few years, my attraction to her bothered me because it reflected some issues I'd have later with S regarding social status, what I value in companions, and generally some skewed priorities/ideals. It was good for me to find that piece of writing now, because it reminds me that yes, I really still do have some work to do in re S. I have a lot to learn. Moreover, I am more S's equal than I am hers, largely because S is shy, socially awkward, and the opposite of Western hetero ideals of physical attractiveness while she's gregarious, adored by all, and conventionally attractive. While she was just an unrequited preteen crush, S was my first serious partner; I am his friend, and he treats me as his equal. I am important to him. So I think I have some things to attend to. In the morning, I will write him a letter and mail it to him across the country.

[Sam W]

Writing to S sound like it might help you establish or reaffirm some of the closeness you feel for him, which could be helpful.

I hear what you're saying about needing to feel rational and focused. I come from a family that values being logical and tough, and it can be so tempting to try and make all of your actions and choices be "rational." But, as I think you're learning, that mindset is taxing and often prevents us from focusing on things we need to do, or on addressing and dealing with our emotions. I wonder, would you say some of why you still spend time with N has to do with feeling as though it would be irrational to cut contact?

For instance, when you think about a world in which you didn't have to interact with N (or only interacted with him when you wanted to), how do you feel? Because it sounds a little like he badgered and convinced you to enter into a friendship and then a more involved relationship with him, rather than let those things arise organically.

[pinocchio]

Hey, thank you so much Sam.

It's bizarre. It would take at least two hands for me to count the number of times I've been told I'm overemotional, so the notion that I might be repressing or ignoring my emotions seems well, like an excuse. At the same time, "ignore/tough it out/see what works out" has been my main strategy for coping with this. Also, I seem to be changing: I overheard my mom telling my dad the other night that she's concerned because I seem to be unhealthily self-critical right now. Maybe I've learned self-discipline, in the purely ascetic sense, that is.

It's also bizarre because I truly am fond of N, he's a good friend. I think I'm more fond of him as "just a friend" rather than as my sidekick whom I cannot detach from me. And yes, why I said that he manipulated me earlier is because he really did kind of badger me, and I tolerated it because 1) it was easy 2) I was in a tough space and needed a friend 3) I do like him and he is also a long time friend.

I think it's important for me to write to S, and most of all because I know he still cares too. I'm learning that maturity is less about one's ability to abstain from desires and gratifications and more about balancing saving for tomorrow with having fun and enjoying the moment. Cutting off my emotions was hard, but I realize now that actually being able to talk things through with S is more challenging and also more valuable. In fact, if I could rewind two years and use the skills and knowledge I have now to communicate with S then, who knows what could have been... But I didn't have that interpersonal ability then; I had to learn it the hard way. Ah well. I still have this chance now.

[Sam W]

With N, were you to try and reset the boundary of your friendship to a level that you liked, do you think he would push back heavily against that?

Self-discipline can be a really positive thing, as it helps us doe things like meet our goals. But it works best when balanced with self-love. We can't be perfectly disciplined all the time, and trying to do so often tips into being pointlessly restrictive on ourselves, which is not good for our well-being in the long run. So while it's awesome that you're learning to control yourself in some ways, make sure you're leaving time to treat yourself gently.

[pinocchio]

Hi Sam,
Thanks again. I'm finding what you said to be really true.
In the very beginning of this—December 2015, I thought that I needed self-discipline to make me get over S, that it was only by discipline that I would be happy and content again. I said yes to N in part because I knew he was good for me, and I wanted to make a practice of forming good relationships.

Yes, I am going to reset boundaries with N. I've been keeping myself busy lately, so it works.

One of the most confusing things has been that I just don't know why I'm so unhappy. Maybe it's just that I'm trying to push myself back into productivity too fast. For a long time, I really had my doubts about talk therapy because I felt like it made patients focus on their problems instead of accepting what they can't solve. Maybe I'll go to a therapist, though. I have some opinions regarding mental health that go against current left-liberal thought, based in what I know about neurology: I don't believe that every case where someone has depressive and anxious symptoms is one of genetic, inborn, lifelong 'illness' that can only be treated with medication, and moreover, according to many sources, about 20% of the adult population exhibits some symptoms of depression and anxiety. I think that in many regards, it's just a product of situation... so we should all just toughen up and move on?

I've always been told I'm overemotional.

S couldn't take care of me, and only now am I realizing how much I tried to shape myself to what I thought he could handle. And to what my mom could handle, and what I have to be for college admissions. And I really just don't know how to survive in the world and I don't know how to be happy or successful.

All my posts on here are rants, and I don't even intend for them to be.

I just want to be stable.

[pinocchio]

Okay, here is the condensed version of what I was trying to say:

For a long time, I was obsessed with S and what had happened. How do you tell if recurring thoughts are just an obsession that you need to neurologically overwrite vs. a sign that you have issues you need to work through/emotions you need to express?

[pinocchio]

Actually, it's ironic that I titled this "feelings are complicated", because I have no emotions.

[pinocchio]

I think it's misattribution. I experience a depressed mood, and I go, "Oh, this started around the time of issues with S," and so therefore it must be caused by issues with S. Nope, just habits, habits that were started for a lot of reasons *in addition* to issues with S. Cognitively easy.

[Sam W]

I do want to mention something in relation to therapy or counseling. There are plenty of people who don't have a formal diagnosis who visit a counselor (and some people will do short-term counseling to help them work through a specific issue rather than years and years of therapy or counseling). The reason for that is having a trained professional to talk to can be beneficial for many people because it provides both a safe space to process feelings and an outside observer to our feelings who can offer insight based on what they're seeing. Counseling can also be a space where people can pick apart what some of their cognitive patterns are and see if there are ways to adjust them to make life more pleasant to go through. So, while there's nothing wrong with seeing a counselor for a mental illness, there's also nothing wrong with seeing one to deal with life issues. Does that make sense?

[pinocchio]

It does. Thanks, Sam.

[Sam W]

You're welcome

[pinocchio]

Hiya Sam, thank you again for your mentorship.

Things are going well. I'm doing better in school, and looking forward to moving to my new campus in a few weeks. Life goes on, and I almost feel guilty when I do think about S now, because it clutters up my now-clear mind.

On the other hand, my mom received a friendly text from his mom today (God bless our mothers, haha). He's been gone for three months now, and is starting school now. (I'm on the quarter system. Rip.) I've been casually thinking about initiating contact with him for a while... as usual.
This is going to be more expository brain unraveling, by the way.
I just don't know how to feel. I guess I still feel intense regret and sadness. On one hand, I really genuinely like S. Getting a text from his mom makes me smile like a fool, and those hours with him and his brothers were some of the best of my entire life so far. I'm getting to the point where I can reminisce happily about those times. On the other hand, as soon as I pull out my phone to actually text him, I get all anxious again and remember everything I've ever felt bad about. I remember how I feel like I'm not good enough for him, the fact that I know that I'm kind of his second choice—not that he doesn't like me, but that he just hasn't had any better options (aka people who are on his same level of education and who are really compatible partners) lately, and that if he did, he would probably take them instead of me. I remember that although he was a very dear friend in high school, he also is in a frank sense not a nice person. He's not arrogant, duplicitous, jealous, or selfish. He's just not very kind.
Now, as soon as I've written this, I don't feel like enumerating upon his sins and character flaws right now. I got interrupted, actually because I received a text from an old mutual friend of ours, I'll call her LB. She's really a neat person, and it was good to talk to her. She's been through some rough things.
I guess what I'm finding is that I do value this friendship enough to eventually reach out to him. It's also important to give myself proper space, and due time.
How confusing.
First I can give myself time and space to heal myself, then I can gradually heal that area of my life that he's in.

[pinocchio]

I guess I'm frustrated that it's so damn complicated and that he's so damn complicated. That's the thing with N. N is interpersonally skilled enough to be staff here, even though he's only 16. Things just work with him. Meanwhile, everything seems so risky and so vulnerable with S. Although I don't actively want a sexual relationship with N, it just works so well. Meanwhile, I have so many old problems with S. There's hardly any of that feeling we initially had dating, although there's still plenty of the feeling of valued friendship that we've had over the course of our adolescences. Do you think I overvalue things with S? Do you think I overvalue him? Do I just need to detach, even though I "don't want to miss the opportunity" in that this catch still likes me? Am I just tying myself in neurological knots?
It's tough, because S isn't just an ex-boyfriend, or even a friend. He's a mentor and a hugely influential person in our career field. I'm so reluctant to cut ties with him, any ties, and maybe not for the best reasons.

[pinocchio]

And most of all, I want what's best for S.
Sometimes, I wonder how I could possibly benefit him.
Okay, thinking of his mom, I know she'd say otherwise. in fact, she's told me otherwise before. They respect me.
I hate feeling like a burden.
I kind of hate a lot of things in my life right now.

[pinocchio]

It's so easy for me to get depressed.


I don't need to be.

[pinocchio]

HI FAUST
YOU NEED SOME SPACE
I'm going to take you off the message board/this stimulus for a while... We're okay. It's okay to feel, it's okay also not to freak out. We're good.

[Karyn]

Hope the space away is helpful for you. (And kudos to you for recognizing what you need and taking steps to make that happen.)