Questions and more questions

[Science_Geek]

Hi.

I am new here and not really sure where my question(s)/thoughts fit. I am very naïve in sex and sexuality and all that

Here it goes.

For the past few years I identified as asexual. I came out to my mom and some friends as asexual and was basically laughed at, told I will get over it, and not normal.

I researched and joined the asexual community online to try to understand it better

I have a long history of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal). I know the abuse probably, might have something to do with saying I am asexual. But I also know that before I remembered any part of the abuses, I didn't want sex, marriage, kids, etc.

I have a very hard time trusting guys, but am slowly getting better at it.

The abuse has caused flashbacks, body memories, and so much more. I tend to masturbate to get rid of the flashbacks. I was told it was trauma re-enactment. I hate it.

Fast forward to now. I have been questioning my sexuality. I don't even know why I am questioning. I don't understand what these feelings or thoughts are. I am confused by physical/sexual/sensual attraction. Sometimes this weird feeling happens in my stomach...almost a cross between butterflies and the aftermath of being kicked. I don't know if that is what 'being turned on' means or if that is what happens? But it has happened quite a bit throughout my life. I also get these ideations or dream/fantasies (I guess). They use to just involve guys, but now women are showing up in them. These ideations or whatever you want to call them, don't make me scared anymore, but curious, I guess. They don't involve sex (well, they don't involve anything below the waist) and it is usually just involving the breast/chest area. Sex, the idea of it, the thought of it, doesn't sound fun or interesting, but these images in these ideation things do. I don't know if someone can be bi-sexual and asexual at the same time, and I guess that is really the main question. I don't know if this is just the romantic orientation that I keep seeing on the asexuality website.

It feels wrong to be questioning all of this, as I was raised in a strictly conservative and religious home growing up. I feel like something is wrong with me.

The more I read and research, I get more confused. I just want some clarity. I know I shouldn't but I like labels for myself. They, for some reason, help me understand who I am and what I can do to help me.

Thanks for listening.

[Ruby S]

Hey Science_Geek! First of all, I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability around all of this. Figuring out labels and identities can be so confusing and I really admire your strength in reaching out.
I hear that you feel like something is wrong with you. I promise you, nothing is wrong with you. You are normal for questioning all this, and it's good that you can notice that your conservative home life might be impacting your judgement of yourself. Have empathy and compassion for yourself! You are a good person, no matter how you identify, and deserve respect and kindness in all ways.
It sounds like you were told some things about trauma - can I ask if you have a therapist or any friends around to support you through this time?

[Science_Geek]

Thanks for the response. Thank you for the kind words.
I do not have a therapist anymore. I have been searching for about 2 years no with no luck. I just moved to this town that I am currently in last year and still have not had success in finding a therapist. I do not have any friends that I could discuss this with either. I do better when I am in therapy, but cannot seem to find a non-judgemental and understanding therapist.

I am so lost.

[Mo]

I'm sorry you've had a hard time finding a therapist you work well with; I know that's something that can be tough for a lot of people, especially those in areas with limited options.

rubyted is absolutely right that there's nothing wrong with you, or with the thoughts you're having. There are people who consider themselves both bisexual and asexual; other asexual people might call themselves biromantic but that distinction is really up to individual people to make (or not). I realize it can feel more comforting or secure if there are rules in place that mean someone with X feelings has Y identity, but issues of identity are usually a bit fuzzier than that and there's a lot of overlap and room for personal interpretation. So, if there's something that feels comfortable for you to call yourself right now, it's fine to go with that - even if your feelings change in the future.

[Science_Geek]

Thank you for your response. Thank you.
I know there are a bunch of things I need to work out, esp. the C-PTSD (like guilt and trying to get rid of flashbacks the way I am now) but to figure the sexual orientation first seemed a little easier.

I kind of hope it doesn't change, I don't want to go through this again, lol.

Glad there isn't anything wrong with me, in terms of this.


Can I ask how to tell the different types of attraction and how to know if your turned on?

Sorry for all of the questions

[Ruby S]

Always ask questions if you have them, no shame! Exploring your sexual or romantic orientation doesn't have to be scary and painful. You're right that unlearning guilt and ptsd are really difficult processes, and I'm so sorry that exploring something natural and positive about yourself is triggering those feelings.
How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire This article goes specifically into different types of desire and what that might feel like for you. It sounds like it could help answer your question!

These might be helpful too:
Advice from an Abuse Survivor
From Victim To Survivor
Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?
Untangling a Gender, Attraction, and Relationships Tangle
Living without Labels

Feel free to take a look at some of those and get back to us with any new feelings!

[Science_Geek]

Thank you for the response.

I feel bad about reading into this. That desire article definitely cleared up that I am asexual. But I wish these ideations or desires would end.

The physical part on sexuality: WTF is it. I feel like that at times is what I want, but it is scary. I don't think it will ever happen. Do all of those circles need to happen?

I take it then, that what I fantasize about is sexual desire?

I feel like the more I read the more confused I get. And the more I read the more questions I have. It makes me so frustrated that I can not solve/figure this out.

[Redskies]

The topic of sexuality as a whole can definitely feel very overwhelming sometimes. Do you need to take this slower, or take a break from thinking about it? I understand the need to figure yourself out - it can feel so un-mooring to feel big uncertainty about our own self - but still, there's a lot of information to process, and that's before you even bring your own thoughts and feelings into the mix. It's important to be good to yourself and take care of yourself! If you need any tips or ideas for that, Self-Care a La Carte might help you out.

The physical part of sexuality will be different things to different people, including, as it says, a collection of physical things someone doesn't want. It's okay if it's scary to you at the moment - I mean, I'm sure that doesn't feel good and I'm sorry you're experiencing that - people do sometimes find sexuality scary, for all kinds of reasons. I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you ask if all the circles need to happen?

(I'm pausing before responding to the other things you said, to give you a chance to decide if you want a break. )

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Thanks for responding. I probably should take it slower, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I do tend to focus more on it after work (I bought that book from the front page of the site--had to skip some parts but I'm about halfway done. I am debating on buying the book she mentions about how childhood experiences affected our sexuality but am worried I will be triggered. I haven't looked to much into that book though
It excites me to figure myself out (I am sorry, to start with I need labels), But it scares me, because I am scared those ideation things will keep happening. Labels help me understand myself better. And since I do not have any support where I am, I tend to take these labels and doing coping skills/self care skills with it. Its like what I feel will finally make sense, and I can usually draw it to make it visual to understand. I hope that makes sense

I really don't want a break as this has been the most helpful site and I have no one else for support.

Thanks for the self care link... something I am awful at

Sorry. The circles I was referring to are on that sexuality: wtf page. All these circles like power and control and sensual, and social, and emotional and physical. It was on the right hade side of the page about half way down.

Thanks for checking but I am ok to keep going, if you are. I don't want to waste anyone's time with this.

[Redskies]

You're welcome! And you're definitely not wasting anyone's time. One of the reasons we exist as an organisation, and why we personally as individuals spend time working here, is to talk with people about identity and help unravel questions and wonderings about it

How about we and you try to strike a balance of continuing talking as and when works for you, and you try to give yourself a bit of breathing room and care by also picking and doing a self-care thing each day? Sound good?

You don't need to apologise for wanting or needing words to describe or identify yourself. I know that there are a few things around society or the internet that say things like "you don't need labels". That's... partly true, and partly misleadingly unhelpful. Most people saying that mean well, they mean something like "you don't have to limit yourself to a small unchangeable box", or "the essence of you as a person can't possibly be summed up in a few words or phrases, and you don't need to try". Those people are correct! But it's also true that often, we really really need words to describe something about ourself or our experiences. Many people need words to enable them to begin to figure out the fuzzy things they're thinking or feeling; or to name a fact about themself; or to have a quick way to describe one of their perspectives on the world; or to find similar people; or to express pride about one part of who they are. It's not wrong to look for or need words or descriptions for aspects of ourselves or our experiences: it's a very human need.

Personally, I don't ever use the word "labels" for this; I call it "words" or "descriptions" or "identities". (I think that calling them "labels" makes it more likely we'll think that it should sum up the essence of who we are, and no identity can do that, and nor is it meant to.) Obviously, please think and talk about this in whatever ways work best for you! - it just sounded like a different perspective on "labels", words and identities might help you out and help you feel more entitled to do whatever thinking is right for you around your own identities.

I should have been more clear when I asked what you meant by "Do all of those circles need to happen?" - my apologies! I know which circles you're talking about in the "Sexuality: WTF Is It" article. I meant to ask, I don't think I understand what you're asking by "do they all need to happen".

Upthread, I see you were talking about difficulties finding a suitable therapist. We may be able to make one or more suggestions, if you''d like? If you'd be open to suggestions, are you able to pay anything for therapy? (so that we only make suggestions that might be suitable for you.)

[Science_Geek]

I can try to do a self care thing each day. I have 2 books started that I need to finish, so I can do that. And I did some art work today so, that's good.

I think by having the words to identify myself allows me to accept them and figure out what I need from them. So when I was diagnosed with a mental illness, I didn't read all there was on it, but put it to art on kind of what it means to me, which allowed me to understand that aspect of myself.

I have no one else to talk to about this, as my family and friends won't accept it.

I just want to know what is going on with me.

Sorry, I don't know how else to explain what I mean about those circles. Does power have to occur? Or does intimacy? Can sexuality just happen without those?

If you can find a suitable therapist, that would be amazing, but best of luck in locating one in this area that I live. I do have an appointment with an LGBT+ organization in 2 weeks but the person I am meeting with isn't a therapist. I probably should have hope that they will help, but its quite a far away organization from where I live. I have been denied therapists, mental health organizations help, and other psychological help in this part of the UK. I cannot really afford to pay, with being a student.

[Alice O]

Hey Science_Geek,

Hope it's okay that I am jumping in. There is a lot that you've said that I want to reply to!

Re: the sexuality circles in the Sexuality: WTF Is It Anyway? article:
Those circles are meant to unpack sexuality, a term that has a lot wrapped up in it and isn't often clearly defined. When we talk about our sexuality we are talking about so much, including but definitely not limited to, what amount of power and agency we feel/have felt in our sexual relationships, what our sexual orientation is, what our gender identity is, what sexual practices we like or are interested in trying, what type of sensuality and intimacy exists in our sexual experiences etc. So rather than one circle not existing in someone's sexuality, it is more likely that they would just have their own unique response. For example, let's take one element of the sexual & reproductive health circle. One person might have three children, another person might have had an abortion and still feel a lot of pain about that experience, another person might have had an abortion and not think much about that experience anymore, another person might know that they do not want to reproduce in their lifetime etc. Does that make sense? Does that answer your question? Could be a helpful exercise to think through your experiences and hopes when it comes to those circles, I'm wondering if that might remind you of all that you do know about your sexuality, even as you are exploring some other bits. Would that exercise interest you?

You have mentioned a few times about the ideations/fantasies/dreams that are bothering you. You've said, "I wish these ideations or desires would end" and "It scares me, because I'm scared those ideation things will keep happening." Can you share more about what scares you about them?

Would you be willing to share a bit more about your experience with mental illness? I'm going to let another staff member follow-up on the important process of finding a therapist, as I don't have as much knowledge in that area.

I also wanted to say I really resonate with the desire you're feeling to "solve this" or "figure it out." Redskies used the term "unmoored" in an earlier post, and that feels apt for this situation. And it is often quite uncomfortable to feel unmoored! When something is making us feel that way, it makes a lot of sense that we'd want to move through it as quickly as possible, but I want to encourage you to try to "live in the question" as much as possible. To not rush yourself in the process of exploring this aspect of your identity, to reach out for support while you are in a vulnerable place, to take good care of yourself (sounds like art is a great practice for you, anything else on the Self-Care a La Carte list that you are drawn to?), and to approach your exploration with as much curiosity, and love and gentleness for yourself as possible. How does all that sound?

[Science_Geek]

Hi,
Thanks for the response. Of course it is ok that you joined my silly/naïve questions post.

I understand more about the circles. Thanks. I think the intimacy one and power just freaked me out. I have been told I was abused because of power, and I didn't want that to happen again. I started thinking that my sexuality is because of the abuse, but it feels like its more. So yes, my own response in terms of those circles, sounds good. I can do that. Thanks.

I think they scare me because they seem so real (Kind of like sometimes the flashbacks feel...but these don't make me scared in the same sense). I think its scary because I feel like I shouldn't really want them to happen, but I kind of actually do want them to happen. And that seems wrong. Granted, I doubt they will ever happen.

I can share more about my experience with mental illness, but I don't want to break any rules here by talking about it.
I know I need therapy, as I know mentally I do better when I have that non judgemental person to talk to weekly.

I am trying to explore this unknown, but I have no one I can speak to and ask for help in this area. I don't even know if I know what help I need in this area. The self love in all of this has been probably the most difficult aspect, as well as the questioning.

Art was good, it didn't come out like I wanted but it looks ok. Probably one of the more positive pieces I have done in a long time. I got really into it after I took a creative arts group for sexual assault survivors. It helps a lot. As for the rest of that list, there are tons. I love TV and movies (When I don't trigger myself with them), I love music, writing, and reading.

[Sam W]

Hi Science_Geek,

Since Alice mentioned one of us would follow-up on the therapy end of things, I'm going to start there. We've got a guide to finding a therapist and getting the most out of the process that you can that covers a lot of the basics: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy . Since it sounds like having an LGBTQA-friendly therapist is important to you, you could also investigate LGBTQA resources for your area, as those will often list service providers such as therapists who are queer-friendly. Since you're meeting with someone from a LGBTQA resource in a few weeks, do you feel comfortable asking them if they could refer you to a therapist or help you look for one?

You're welcome to share any part of your mental health experience you feel comfortable discussing. The only thing I'd ask is that any descriptions (like of self-harm) not be super graphic. Too, keep in mind that while we're more than happy to give you a space to vent and offer our thoughts and advice, we can't substitute for a trained provider (I sense you know that already, but it's always good to make those things explicit).

With the fantasies, would it help to develop a process or technique for reminding yourself that they're not real and/or that it's okay to have them? Or, if they center more on bad things happening to you, would it be helpful to come up with ways to redirect them?

You know, you've mentioned you struggle with self-love and self-care, but it actually sounds like you're doing a good job of finding self-care activities. That doesn't mean there aren't still days where self-care and self-love are a struggle, but it does mean that you're doing more than you give yourself credit for.

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Thanks for the response and the article.

I have never discussed my sexuality with a therapist, as one of the better ones that I have had said asexuality was because of the abuse.

I will ask this LGBT+ person/organization if they can help me find one. The sexual assault organization here where I am is awful...very judgemental and not something I needed in a therapist.

Not sure what I can say about mental health. I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression, anxiety, Complex PTSD, borderline personality disorder, self harm, and suicidal ideation. I am a little messed up and broken I guess.

Yes, I would like to develop some way to tell myself these fantasies are not real/ok to have them. If they are normal and ok/good to have then I guess I want to learn to be ok with them.

The flashbacks I can mostly handle, sometimes not in good ways, but other times I think I do ok... Haven't had too many recently, knock on wood.

Self-love just seems selfish and uncomfortable. But then again the idea of love doesn't seem right to me.

[Karyn]

Hi Science_geek, hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here as well.

I'm so sorry a therapist told you that your asexuality was just to do with abuse: that's not the case. For folks who are survivors of sexual abuse or assault, it can affect their sexuality or how they feel about their sexuality in some ways, but it is not the only thing that determines sexuality, far from it. I really hope that the LGBT+ organization you've been in contact with can help you find a therapist who is a good fit for you.

On top of that, if it helps to hear, you are not broken. You are dealing with a lot, you have been through a lot, but that doesn't make you less than or damaged. If you're struggling with the idea of self-love (maybe in part because of those feelings of being broken?) maybe aiming for self-acceptance would be less of a stretch and feel more doable?

(I'm going to let Sam suggest some strategies for dealing with the ideations/fantasies, since that's not my strong suit and I think she likely has a few specific things in mind.)

[Science_Geek]

Hi,
Jump right in. Thanks for the response.
That was one of the milder things a therapist has said to me. But thanks. It is nice to know that the abuse hasn't completely influenced my sexuality. I want one thing in my life that is not completely affected by that...so thanks for that.

Self-acceptance sounds better. I think that is more doable than self-love. Maybe one day love wont seem so foreign or wrong.

[Karyn]

Glad to be able to help a bit.

[Science_Geek]

Hi Karyn. Thanks so much.

I'm starting to get really nervous about this appointment next with the LGBT+ organization. It is with a female which has eased my nerves, but I have also never said any of this outloud. I think that's what is causing a lot of stress right now (that and these stupid ideations/or fantasies). I have thought about cancelling. But I think my need to know is too great. But I also don't want to be continuously disappointed by the mental (and physical) healthcare people in my area.

Would it be appropriate to write it all down and just hand it to this person at the start? Is there a better way?

Thanks. Sorry for keep coming here... This has been the only helpful site and the people here aren't judgemental or dismissive, so thanks.

[Karyn]

It's absolutely fine to write down what you want to say if talking about it out loud feels too daunting right now. For some folks it's easier to write things down, and however you feel most comfortable filling in this new support person is totally okay: what's most important is that they have the information they need to help you, not how you convey that information. If you want, you could even copy and paste some of what you've written here to us. Your first post, for example, was a very clear summary of what you were looking for help with, and would be a good jumping off point for a therapist or counsellor too.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. I can do that

This whole thing is just adding stress, I think, and I feel like I should go back to suppressing it. I should probably go next week more positive, but after the experiences I have had (where I am living) with physical and mental health, I am not too hopeful.

Thanks for your response