"Adjusting" my sexual "needs"?

[cityofthedead]

Sorry if I keep buggin' ya. I keep posting discussions here not because I'm only comfortable with talking about this with you guys, (I don't mind having other users reply to my discussions in other forums) but I feel you're the most reliable people to discuss this with. Just FYI.

I would like some help with "adjusting" my sexual "needs". My last discussion was about talking with family about certain issues, but I'm over that so we can leave my last discussion out of the picture, except for what I said about how I want to have a sexual relationship having been pursuing that in and of itself and with a woman who also approaches the situation similarly to how I'd have. As I've researched, there aren't any sexual tourism areas that line with what I want and need, since the closest I can get to what I want are either bars or brothels, they aren't even in my country, and I'm still a minor. What I would like help with here is adjusting my sexual needs so that I don't need an explicitly sexual environment to seek out partners. It's going to be quite difficult to do that because as I've said, seeking out sexual relationships in areas where they're meant to be seeked out in and of themselves would be best for me and my sexual relationships and "performance", so to speak. I know there's no hurry to figure out all of this, but I'd still like to get all of this in line before I get into sexual relationships rather than while I'm in them.

[Karyn]

You aren't bugging us at all: it's great that you feel comfortable talking here.

I'm a little confused about what you mean by adjusting your sexual needs. Do you mean that you would like to change your relationship preferences in a sort of permanent way? Or are you just wondering how to manage looking for sexual relationships until you can get to an environment that you feel would suit you better?

[cityofthedead]

I would like help changing my preferences so that I don't need to go somewhere solely designed for people to go to have sexual relationships. I've done research and it seems like there are one or two places on all of Planet Earth where relationships are addressed with sex. I know you guys don't like to talk about prostitution, but I would like to say it's not for me because I would like to have sex as a mutual experience with clear, open, mutual communication and other values you describe on your website in articles like that sailor one and the ready or not checklist. I may not want a so-called "romantic" relationship but that doesn't mean I simply want sex. There's a reason why I keep using the term "sexual relationship" rather than just "sex". I'm willing to talk/communicate about sex with a partner just as much as having it. I am not seeking to be served just for myself, nor to just serve a partner. It also doesn't matter to me what other kind of relationship I have with a potential partner first. Just as long as she's seeking out relationships the way I am, is willing to communicate and advocate for herself, and understands the differences between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones, that would likely work with me.

[Mo]

In general, I think it's going to be tough, and often not productive, to work on adjusting what your own sexual desires and needs are. You seem really self-aware and clear about what you want, sexually, and I don't think that's something you should have to change - and most of the time, when people try to change what or who they're attracted to, what kind of relationship or sexual experiences they want, etc. it's not going to work very well. This isn't a slight on you specifically; it's something that's pretty hard for people in general.

Are you feeling like you need to adjust things because what you want isn't accessible for you right now? Or for some other reason? I think knowing why you're wanting to change what you want might help us give you some suggestions.

[cityofthedead]

I feel I should "adjust" because the interpersonal environment I've been describing that I want is not only unavailable to me now, but there will probably never be that kind of place I would like to go. Sex and (healthy) relationships just never seem to go hand in hand anywhere in terms of where to seek them out.

[Karyn]

Sex and (healthy) relationships just never seem to go hand in hand anywhere in terms of where to seek them out.

I'm not sure that's really the case. (Although yes, it might be difficult to find what you're looking for right now as opposed to a few years from now when you're likely not going to be living at home anymore and will have some more independence.) Healthy relationships aren't a pre-existing thing: there's no guarantee that any relationship formed in any context will be healthy. The people in the relationship make it healthy by what they say and do, and it's possible to find people you communicate well with whose needs and wants match yours in a lot of different contexts.

Does that make sense?

[cityofthedead]

That does make sense. It's just that environments like I've been looking for seem to model unhealthy, one-sided relationships like brothels with prostitutes and bars where it's not quite safe to seek out relationships in order to make clear decisions. Thank you Karyn, but this is what I meant.

[Mo]

I think it's going to be hard to really get a sense of what opportunities you are going to have when you aren't in a position to directly pursue them; as Karyn said when you have more independence and are over 18 you'll likely be able to have more direct experience. It might be helpful to focus on developing patience for now vs. trying to change your desires.

[cityofthedead]

I'm just gonna spit everything out here.

Thanks, Mo. Hopefully my desires will naturally adjust when I'm older. But I really would like to adjust sometime soon because my desires are still at a crooked angle with reality. I know kids at my school who are or could possibly be having sex, but I know everybody is different and I don't interfere with anybody's sex life. But I have never felt comfortable addressing sexual desires to any of the friendly girls at my school nor could I develop that kind of intimacy with any of them, no matter how much time it would take, because school is not an environment set up for seeking out those kinds of relationships. In an area that explicitly addresses sexual relationships, I would have a way better chance of finding women whom are on similar boats as me, and I wouldn't feel nearly as awkward about thinking or talking about sex because I'm in a whole area set up for that kind of stuff. Also, knowing that the men and women who use that territory are also seeking out relationships, I would feel that communicating with people and potential partners and them communicating with me would likely be a much more mutual, empathetic experience than I could have with any girl who goes to school with me, since they're also trying to find somebody to have a relationship/be sexual with, yet there's no one individual narrowed down in mind at first. Take the beach, especially a crowded one of another example of an atmosphere of exposing yourself to people you don't know very well. A lot of people who go to beaches usually don't mind total strangers seeing them half naked in shorts or bikinis.

Also, I once said on another discussion that masturbation wasn't fulfilling for me anymore. What I've explained above explains this. I can't invest or feel like I'm investing in another individual if I masturbate. I still do it when I need a sexual release, but it isn't emotionally satisfying.

[Redskies]

I think some of what you're having difficulty with is very much age-related, as Mo and Karyn have said; and some of it is honestly an all-humans common difficulty of finding people who want similar things to us without bothering or offending those who have no interest. I also think that the longer-term big-picture is a lot less bleak than you're currently seeing it as.

We're saying that some of your difficulty is age-related because there would be other suggestions we could make if you were 18. But it'd be useless and unfair of us to suggest any place where the rules or terms-and-conditions say you have to be 18, so that's just a non-starter for now. (Whether we agree or not that certain things should be unavailable below the age of 18 would be a different question, and that discussion wouldn't actually help with your current situation anyway.)

But I have never felt comfortable addressing sexual desires to any of the friendly girls at my school nor could I develop that kind of intimacy with any of them, no matter how much time it would take, because school is not an environment set up for seeking out those kinds of relationships.

Your thoughts here sound sensible to me. Usually, school, work, or something like a pottery class for example is not an appropriate place to make any sexual suggestion or question to anyone. There are many people who've felt similar difficulty to you about "how and where do I meet someone?". I think that common discourse about sex and relationships is often really narrow and missing giant pieces of the range of people's wishes and realities: I think you might have seen the common discourse and be missing out on the things that exist in its huge gaps. For example, there are actually a lot of people who have wishes and realities within the space between "romantic relationship" and "sex, just sex" - it sounds like you want something that's also in that space, do I have that right?

Longer-term, the good news is that you really can have it. It's not a choice between a romantic relationship and transactional sexual services. It's true that sometimes, for all kinds of reasons, some people can find it difficult to find others who want similar things than they do. But a lot of people do want some kind of connected sexual relationship without a big and general-life emotional and practical involvement, at least at some points in their life. Don't let common discourse about sex and relationships lead you to believe that a caring sexual relationship without a broader-life commitment is a strange and rare thing.

(I'm not sure what you were meaning when you talked about the beach? People can choose to be in various states of undress at the beach for all kinds of reasons, the vast majority of which have nothing to do with anything sexual. I didn't grasp how your comment about the beach connected to anything you've been talking about, I'm sorry!)

Like Mo said up-thread, trying to adjust desires and needs because they can't be met at the moment is often not possible. If our desires or needs aren't being met, for sure it's worth going through the thought process
"is there anything I can change so that I can have these met?" -> "re-think, am I sure that I need and want these things? is there any room for slight adaptions to them so that I could have an adapted version of them met?"

Really importantly, "my original needs and desires are definitely the things I want and need" is a legitimate answer. Sometimes that's just how things are. In that case, what's most sensible to do is not to try to change your feelings, but to try to figure out:
- how to best live with not having these wants and needs met for now, as happily as possible, without those feelings being a big focus for you or being very painful
- how to move your life in the future to make it more likely you can have your needs and wants met in the future
- which other things are important and meaningful to you now and in the near-future, and how to pursue those things and feel rewarded by those things

Does this make sense and help you out any?

[cityofthedead]

Thank you, Redskies, for your advice. It makes sense to me. Is it really true that there are more people of all genders who want meaningful relationships founded on the sexual aspects (and are sober in there assertions) than I think there are?

Also, you're right, Redskies. I guess I kinda did screw up with that beach thing.

[Redskies]

I can't say for certain whether there are actually more people who want a meaningful sexual relationship without a deep emotional/practical commitment than you think there are, because I can't see inside your head at what number you're thinking But going off what you've said, it sounds like you think people who want similar things to what you want are very rare; and yes, in reality these kinds of wants are not rare.

I don't recall if you've already seen Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models - if you haven't, or it's been a while, it might be helpful to you to see some of the range of approaches and preferences people can have for relationships.