how to talk to people/make friends?

[xmetalgirl]

Hello! I am starting a new school soon! I went to university for visual arts and now going to an art college. I always had problems making and keeping friends. I dress kind of gothish/metal. I have long bleached blonde hair, very pale skin and usually dye the ends red, pink, purple etc and I have a nose piercing. In my city, not many people dress or look this way, majority have brown hair and tans (especially in highschool everyone called me an albino ugh) anyway So mostly normal looking people either gave me odd looks or just talk to other normal looking people. When I did make friends they would stab me in the back and I never did anything mean! I was always so nice. Examples like this girl told my gym class in highschool that I was lesbian and in the change room everyone gave me dirty looks, didnt talk to me or go near me -_- i had to find out the hard way! So judgemental these women are! Especially even if I was lesbian why would you do that to a person jusr cause they like girls? Ugh! And another guy in highschool who was my best friend told everyone I was a satan worshipper...just so he can become popular! How immature. And so I never made friends in highschool. I began to just not trust no one anymore, except my boyfriend who i met when i went to university. University I made really cool friends but i cannot seem to hold on to, people are always busy, hard to keep in touch or they have best friends and I am more like a just a friend thing lol. Now that I am starting college, a brand new school! I want to start all over. I dont want to have any immature drama anymore. I just want to do my work and make friends and not have awkward lonlieness in school anymore! how can I learn to not be too quiet? How can I keep friends and always be in contact with them? Im always afraid to even msg or email people lol. How can i start conversations with people? I am always terrible at that as well. Also how can I feel more confident in myself? I always feel like people will be scared if I talk to them since I went through the whole stupid immature highschool satan worshipping, albino rumours. -_-

[Sam W]

Hi Xmetalgirl,

Making/keeping friends can be tough, especially if you're someone who tends to be withdrawn or gets read as "weird" by other folks. But you're right that a new school is a great place to try out some new approaches. There are a few strategies you can try (if they aren't things you've been doing already). The first is to see if you can find any student groups or clubs around a subject or activity that interests you. This will give you a way to meet new people, and the common interest will help you figure out what to talk about at first. Not that common interests are a guarantee that you'll get along with someone, but it's a good starting point. And even if you don't meet a new best friend, being part of a group can help you feel less lonely. If you're in a shared living space (like a dorm), you may also want to feel out the people living around you and see if there's anyone who you seem to get along with.

Another thing to try is to, as much as you can, ignore your jerk brain. That part of your head telling you not to bother emailing/texting/otherwise contacting your friends or people you wan to get to know better. Just remind yourself that they like hanging out with you, and would be happy to hear from you, just as you would likely feel good hearing from someone you liked.

How do those suggestions sound to you?

[xmetalgirl]

That does sound like good suggestions! Near towards the end of university I joined a group and it was a lot of fun. I dont think the new school im going to will have groups though. Its a very, very small art college. Gonna be full of all of us art kids so its not too hard to talk to people. The lunch room is as big as a bedroom l I dont think they will have clubs either like my big university since they had like science, art,math clubs. I understand the jerk brain part definitely! lol i will try to keep in contact with people more. What I really want to know is if i am in class, next to someone, lunch room, hallways...how can I just start a conversation with someone? I see other people do it so easily. Do I compliment something i like about them? Ask what class theyre in? Lol :p what would you do?

[Sam W]

In some ways, the smaller school might be helpful, if only because it might be harder to feel like you're lost in a sea of anonymity. Depending on where the school is located, you may also want to check out meet-ups or clubs that happen in the community, so you aren't limited to the student population.

As for striking up conversations, you've actually already suggested two of the most common strategies yourself . The main caveat is that if someone doesn't look like they want to be approached (ear-buds in, reading, deliberately not making eye contact with anyone), best to leave them be and engage with someone who looks a little more open. Complimenting people, even if it's just something like "cool t-shirt" can open up a conversation (especially if you comment on something that you can talk about more, e.g if they're wearing a shirt for a band you happen to like, you can ask them how they encountered said band). The same goes for asking them standard student ice breaker questions like "what major are you?" or "what did you think of the piece we read/watched/discussed?" Remember that you're not looking to make a new best friend right away, and that your goal from these interactions is just to have a nice/interesting chat with someone. This will help you feel (and be) more relaxed when talking to people, because your brain is not in full pressure mode. It will take some practice, and you might feel awkward at first, but with time striking up conversations can feel more and more natural.

[xmetalgirl]

Awesome! Very helpful, thank you so much!

[Heather]

I was also to add that my experience of arts school was that it was a place mainly populated by people who did not feel like they fit elsewhere. I recall calling it "misfit paradise."

In other words, mist likely, many of the students there will have had the same experiences you did in high school, and be just as sick of them. More people than it will also tend to do things like be creative in how they dress and present themselves because, of course, when you are a creative person, you tend to apply it everywhere you can! Too, visual artists tend to be pretty internal people, so shyness is also pretty common. You likely will be in good company there, as well.

So I would set a positive expectation for yourself here, figuring that it is probably most likely you will pretty instantly feel much more at home here and with the other students.

[xmetalgirl]

Haha ahhh Heather, I feel much better now :)

[Heather]

It is going to be awesome!

When do you start?

[xmetalgirl]

I start the first week of September:) well that first week is orientation which is full of activities which im not sure what we are doing yet