Frustrated

[Frustrated]

Hi !
I have been with my bf for over two years and I am getting very frustrated with our sex lives. I explain what I like but once he orgasms he basically forgets about me or will attempt half heartedly. I would like help. I talk with him about this often but it makes his upset and makes me feel angry. I'm trying to get him to just explore my body with the same curiosity and want that I explore his but I honestly feel as though It is one sided and unfair. I do not expect to orgasm right away but how do I get him to focus on me I'm getting sick of spelling everything out for him. Mentally and physically feel ignored.

[Karyn]

That does indeed sound like a very frustrating situation. So I have a better idea of what your past conversations have been like, can you give me an example of what you would say to him, and how he usually responds to that?

[Frustrated]

I started by trying to show him or lead his hands the way I would like to be touched. But things kept going the same feeling rushed and ignored than I explained why I'm different and how I need more build up. But now it is at the point I am so frustrated I have been getting angry with him... He is trying more things but seems to zone out and go wayy to fast and focused on what gets him off. He forgets about reading a my reactions and what I've have told him. at first he never would give me oral and now he does(he just doesn't know what he is doing and doesn't explore trying different things) honestly I almost want him to stop because it's become frustrating and boring for me. It almost seems like he is doing it only because I talked to him about it I want to feel enjoyed if that makes sense.

[Mo]

That makes a lot of sense! It sounds like he's just not listening to you and not showing signs of being involved in your own enjoyment or pleasure during sex. In all honesty, if you keep having these conversations about how you are dissatisfied with your sex life and he isn't making a real effort to change his behaviors or focus on your pleasure, this may just be a fundamental mismatch in sexual compatibility (or his readiness for a sexual partner at all).

It might be time for a pretty serious conversation with him - not at a time when you're having sex or about to have sex, but when you have a good bit of time for a real talk - about how you're feeling, and how frustrating and disappointing his response to previous conversations has been. If he still isn't responsive to this then that might be a sign that a sexual relationship just isn't a good fit for the two of you right now.
Do you feel like this pattern of focusing on his needs or desires over yours carries over into other parts of your relationship? Or is it mostly just happening during sex?

[Frustrated]

Mostly is happening just during sex . I usually talk with him afterwards or even the next day he always seems understanding when we talk and willing/wanting to change but than it goes back to the same as it was.I think alot of his issues is self confidence and he is afraid to do things because he doesn't know how,which makes himscared to try. I am worried we are not sexually compatable I know for me it so far isn't working but I love him so much as a person I want to give him the chance .. but it is at the point where I get to frustrated/angry at him and he gets defensive when we talk about it &we end up fighting. I don't want to break up with him over this but i don't know how to fix it and know I can't keep going on with it the way it is.

[Redskies]

I'm sorry to hear things have been like this with your boyfriend, and I'm not surprised that you feel frustrated and ignored.

It's sounding like you already have tried a lot to fix the situation. The thing is, for any relationship problem or issue, it needs both people to take action, and to continue taking action, to fix it. Just one person trying to fix it yourself is rather like trying to play on a see-saw by yourself: it just doesn't operate with one person.

If you've already tried to talk with him a lot of times, there's probably not one magic thing you could say or do that'd either make him realise, or willing or able to act. So, there probably isn't anything that we can suggest you do or say that would cause him to make the significant change that you need.

know I can't keep going on with it the way it is.

I know it's hard and painful to reach this point and feel this way in a relationship that matters to you. It's also good, and important, that you've been able to recognise and feel this. When a relationship is at the point where someone is getting frustrated and angry, and the other is defensive, and there's fighting, that's a hurtful pattern for both of you to be in. You're right to recognise that something significant needs to change.

Given how things have been and how things continue to be, do you want a sexual relationship with this person? Do you think that having a sexual relationship is something that's right for you as an individual, and separately for you both as a unit?

What do you think you'd like to do next? For example, you might want to have that very serious conversation with your boyfriend that Mo suggested - if you do, would you like any help with how to go about that? Or, perhaps you might want to take some time for yourself to consider what you might want to do about the relationship, and whether a break-up is something that might be right to think about? Or, perhaps something else?