sexuality stress

[Science_Geek]

Hi. I am sorry to post again.

The meeting I was suppose to have got cancelled and I just need some advice to handle these fascinations or dreams or whatever till I meet with a therapist. Any suggestions?

I also 'came out' to a friend as I am pretty sure I can identify my sexual orientation now, but it got so overwhelming with the suggestion of meeting similar people that I panicked.

I just need some suggestions, if that is ok on how to deal with these until I finally meet with the therapist.

Thanks

[Redskies]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear your meeting was cancelled. I hear you when you say how hard it's been to try to find any help and how you've had bad experiences; this delay on top of that is just really rough.

Have you been able to re-schedule it?

Congratulations on coming out! How do you feel that went? I'm glad you have a way of naming your orientation now

Sometimes with these things, it really is about smaller steps rather than everything at once. Obviously it doesn't feel nice to panic or to feel overwhelmed, but it is absolutely okay that taking more steps - like meeting more people - felt too much for you right then, or even for a little while. It's okay to need to go slow, and to only want or need one small step at a time. Although, telling someone isn't all that small, so well done!

I realise that in the conversation in your other thread, we (staff/volunteers here, collectively) didn't yet get to talking about possible strategies for dealing with the uncomfortable thoughts you have. We're sorry about that! We can get to that now, then, and see if we can come up with things that might help you. And it's no trouble, it's part of what we're here to do.

I'm going to ask you a few questions about what's generally happening with you while you're having these thoughts, to try to figure out some suitable approaches. Okay? You don't have to answer anything that you don't want to; the idea is to help you as best we can.

When you're having these uncomfortable thoughts, are you aware of where you really are? Are you aware that they're thoughts and they're not actually happening right then, or do you feel like your thought is actually happening?

In your previous thread, you said you have flashbacks and body memories. Have you ever had any assistance with flashbacks and memories, and/or do you have any strategies for dealing with those? - for example, are you familiar with any grounding techniques?

When you're having these sexual fantasies, do you have the sense that you're in control of your thoughts and you're choosing your fantasy, or not? Do you have the sense that you could change or re-direct what happens in the fantasy?

[Science_Geek]

Hi,
Thanks for responding. Well I only told the one person. I cannot tell any other friends or family. So it was a very small coming out. And it was through email so I haven't actually said it out loud yet. It seems to make it more real by saying it out loud. But thanks. I think I feel ok. Maybe? Not really sure. I don't really know how to meet people. I mean there is school, which is kind of liked forced friends in a way. What if this is not the correct orientation, and I mess it up someway by meeting people?

I think I may be making this harder than it really is.

No I haven't been able to reschedule. The organization said they will contact me.

No problem. I felt bad making a second post.

I can answer your questions. (I am just going to type under your questions, hope that is ok)

When you're having these uncomfortable thoughts, are you aware of where you really are?
-Yes. Its not so much like flashbacks where I get 'transported' back to the past but its here and now. I know what is going on around me, I guess.

Are you aware that they're thoughts and they're not actually happening right then, or do you feel like your thought is actually happening?
-Both. And I think that is the scary part. They kind of seem like the body memories but not in the scary bad way that the flashbacks cause. 99% of the time I don't want the flashbacks to happen, but these as much as I hate them it kind of interests me. It sounds bad.

In your previous thread, you said you have flashbacks and body memories. Have you ever had any assistance with flashbacks and memories, and/or do you have any strategies for dealing with those? - for example, are you familiar with any grounding techniques?
-Yes I have, but not for a while. My problem is I don't remember to use those techniques when the memories happen. I tend to remember the unhealthy coping skills first

When you're having these sexual fantasies, do you have the sense that you're in control of your thoughts and you're choosing your fantasy, or not? Do you have the sense that you could change or re-direct what happens in the fantasy?
-I don't know if they are really sexual. Maybe they are? I don't know. I don't want sex. But I kind of want these to happen. I kind of asked a hotline tonight about them, and the person asked if I wanted a friend or an intimate relationship without sex...and I think I am starting to want both (just no sex).
-I don't have a sense of redirecting or changing them. I can kind of make them stop, but then again, like the flashbacks its with unhealthy coping skills.

Maybe they are normal and I should just try to accept them but its so overwhelming.

[Redskies]

Telling one person in writing is still telling a person, and that usually feels like a big deal at this stage of things, so, props to you! Too, it's really common to have a bunch of confusing or awkward or conflicting feelings at this point. There's no need to try to go any faster than feels comfortable and okay to you.

It could be true for any of us: what if we're not correct about our own orientation? Orientation is by nature a complex, fuzzy thing, so sometimes people's knowledge of their own self does develop or change over time. But I don't think anyone's ever "wrong", as such, about their own orientation. All we can do is use the information about our own self and our own feelings that we have available to us at that time, and make the best assessment of our self that we can. It's okay to act on what we know about our self at any one time, because otherwise, we'd literally be waiting a whole lifetime for "what if".

Your answers helped clarify a few things for me, so thanks for those.

Calling the thoughts "sexual" was my own interpretation of things you'd said previously; my interpretation may well be wrong, because they aren't my thoughts! Sorry about that.

You called them "fascinations": does that seem like a reasonable fit of a word for us to use in this conversation to describe these things? ("Dreams" might be misleading if you're not asleep, and "thoughts" might be a bit broad and vague.) Getting the right word for it isn't necessarily particularly important; I just want to make sure we're using a word that feels right enough for you and is useful.

Do you think that the strategies you already know for memories might also help you for the fascinations? Too, there are strategies that are also useful afterwards, when you're no longer actually having the memories, but when you still feel upset or shaken by them. Do the strategies you already know also help you to feel better and more grounded afterwards?

It doesn't matter much whether the fascinations are normal or not. What matters is that you don't feel okay with them. We're not going to say "well it's normal, so deal with it" about anything, because that's not how feelings work, and not how being an individual human works.

In your other thread, it sounded like you were saying that simply having these fascinations is distressing to you. I wonder if this helps at all: all of our brains do a lot of weird and not-so-wonderful things. Especially when something repeats, we can begin to wonder if what we're thinking about says something about us as a person, about who we "really" are or what we "really" want. The vast majority of the time, the weird-and-not-so-wonderful things in our heads do not say those things about us. Your brain isn't sending you messages about your true self or your true wants. It's just being a brain.

It's okay to want something in your head that you wouldn't want in reality, or that you wouldn't feel ready for in reality. It's not wrong of you to think of the things you think of. Sometimes, a brain likes to go on its own tour of alternative reality, as a way of trying out something or investigating something that you wouldn't actually want. And then, we're all complex human beings, so it's okay and unsurprising if you have mixed and conflicting feelings about some of the alternative realities your brain explores.

Sometimes, repeated thoughts can be sending us a different kind of message: that something is bothering us and we haven't resolved it; or perhaps that a particular thing is truly very scary or confusing to us. Sometimes our brain repeatedly presents us with something that upsets or scares us because it's upsetting or scary.

I'm wondering if any of that sounds familiar to you and might be of any use? It's not a solution, of course, but I wondered if perhaps being able to make more peace with your own brain and what it's doing might make any of this any easier for you?

[Science_Geek]

Hi.
Thanks.

I didn't think about it that way. I do think a lot of 'what ifs'

You can call them sexual thoughts. Whatever is easier, I guess. I guess I just don't really see it as sex, but then again what do I know I have never done it.

Fascinations, seems reasonable and fine to use. I feel like I don't really call them fascinations because I have never been fascinated by them until recently.

The strategies I already use for memories, are not healthy and they aren't good. After the memories I suppress it. I do better in therapy and when I am in there I can usually talk about them, but the therapist needs to be one I can trust (which I haven't found here).

I appreciate no one telling me "So deal with it" I have been told that too many times.

They distress me because I feel them, like the body memories and distress me because there is nothing that triggers it really. And distresses because I want them to happen. And before coming here I didn't think it was normal to want them to happen. But as much as they distress me and I cope in unhealthy ways to deal with them, they interest me just as much. I want them to happen (as long as its just the stuff I imagine now and nothing more).

I also think that as much as I want them to happen I figured they probably never will.

Having someone to talk to like this before I say them out loud helps. Thanks

Yes your brain stuff helped, thanks.

[Redskies]

You're so welcome.

Okay, so it sounds like backing up a bit and making sure you know about some healthy strategies for dealing with flashbacks and/or memories, and for caring for yourself afterwards, would be a good idea!

They're often called "grounding" strategies because they're things to try that can help people feel more grounded in reality after they've experienced distressing or confusing flashbacks and memories. The strategies involve demonstrating to yourself where you actually are and when in time you are, so that it's a little easier for your thnking-brain and for your feeling-brain to grasp where you are and that the memories aren't happening right there and then.

Here are a few resources for grounding strategies. I'm giving you a small number because different presentations or focuses appeal to different people, so you can have a look and see what seems better for you. There's quite a few different strategies listed: the idea isn't to do all of them or even half of them, it's to see which you think you might be able to do and might help you. It's okay if you need to take some time to think about them.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/grounding.html
https://napac.org.uk/path-to-recovery/ (I know you haven't said when the abuse happened, but I think this information could be helpful to anyone who's been abused)
https://www.7cups.com/forum/AnxietySupp ... ues_25678/

I understand trying to suppress the memories afterwards: that's a reasonable option to choose if memories feel unmanageable and you don't know how. The thing about trying to suppress strong or very distressing thoughts or memories, though, is that they have a tendency to try to get even stronger. (I'm not suggesting that you attempt to directly think about and face the flashbacks if you don't usually feel able to, because that would be a very unwise and irresponsible thing for me to suggest: it's pretty clear from what you've said that you'd need an appropriate therapeutic situation to be able to do that safely.) One thing I might suggest, though, is while perhaps not thinking directly about the memory or flashback, it can help some people to acknowledge that they did have just have a flashback or memory that was difficult for them and that they're now having some difficult feelings. And then doing something really gentle and caring for their own self that helps dial down the difficult feelings. Might that be something that could be safe and do-able for you? - It's okay if you think it's not safe or doable, as you're the best expert on what's safe and helpful for you.

[Science_Geek]

Hi.
I need to learn how to remember to use the grounding strategies and positive skills. It is like, as soon as the memories happen a flip switches and the negative thoughts take over. Like I am stuck in a box and the only way out is to do the negative stuff.

The abuse started when I was 4 and continued on and off till I was 18.

Thank you for the links. Any suggestion on how to remember to use them? I have done the ones on the 7 cups, when I was in therapy, with the therapist throwing out the techniques when I started to experience memories.

You are correct, the more I try to suppress things, the stronger it gets. I do have a awful habit of triggering myself to cause the memories because I feel like I deserve it and/or it feels odd not to have them. I need therapy. Which I did get a rescheduled appointment from the LGBT+ organization. It is next Thursday morning. I did print off my first post to give the counsellor. Still nervous though.

I am awful at taking care of myself after. It feels selfish. I am getting a little better, but its still not great.

Thank you again for your help. Just talking on here helps

[Sam W]

Hi ScienceGeek, I hope you don't mind my chiming in.

It can definitely be hard to remember to do grounding when negative thoughts and emotions are coming on really, really strong. You mention that it feels like the only way out is to do negative stuff. What would happen if you preemptively put reminders or items needed for grounding in places were negative-brain you was likely to see them? Another technique I've seen, and one that has worked for me in the past, is to have a master list of all your tools and techniques somewhere easy to access. That way, when you get into a bad headspace, the only thing you have to remember is where you put the list. As for aftercare, do you find using the "how would I care for a close friend if they'd just gone through this" mindset helps you feel more comfortable doing it?

It's really awesome that you're taking the steps to see a counselor, and it sounds like you're preparing for it well. It's normal to be nervous about counseling when you first start. Something you could try is to build in time after your appointment to do something fun or relaxing. Kind of like a reward for taking care of yourself and a way to calm your nerves all wrapped into one.

[Science_Geek]

Hello. No of course not.

You know, the crazy thing is, I have tried putting reminders in my phone, planner, and even created a box with the coping skills and stuff... nothing works. I get so in tuned to the bad stuff when my mind gets bad that the lists don't make sense anymore. Its sad and an awful excuse, I know.
I have never thought about the "how would I care for a friend" bit.

That is exactly what I was planning on doing before or after the meeting...I was going to go find a new coffee place (since I am not from the area I will have to go) and get some, hopefully good coffee.

I am still quite nervous as I cannot seem to say this stuff out loud still and I feel like I keep gaining new questions.

I almost think going back to suppressing this stuff may be easier.

[Mo]

Suppressing thoughts or problems can feel like a good/reasonable short-term solution, but ultimately it will often make it harder to deal with those issues later on, when they feel too pressing to avoid any longer - and it's unlikely that you'll be able to avoid dealing with them forever.

It can definitely be tough to remember to do & actually follow through with grounding & self-care in hard moments, but I encourage you to keep trying! Often these things get easier, and a routine feels more natural, with time and practice.

[Science_Geek]

Hi.
Oh I know...and you all are right.
I just don't like the questions or the constant thoughts that keep coming up. And it is harder when I am alone and no one to really talk to.

Thanks.

[Science_Geek]

Sorry. I hope the last post wasn't rude.

[Sam W]

It wasn't. You sound a little frustrated, and that's understandable given what you're going through right now (and there's nothing wrong with feeling stressed when something is stressful).

You mention part of what makes this difficult is not having someone to talk to. Have you ever tried calling a support hotline or something like that when a big wave of these thoughts hits you?

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Thanks for understanding

I have tried calling a helpline before. Back in high school, I called one a few times, which I swore I would never call again after they told me "if you just listen to your parents you will be fine" I didn't respond and hung up. They didn't ask what was wrong, he didn't want to know what was happening. Nothing. I have such phone anxiety now that I cannot call simple places, like the GP or ordering food. Thank goodness for the internet. Granted, I was in high school but it still showed me that not many people actually care. Oh well

[Sam W]

Good gracious, I will never understand where some of these people get their training. That was a completely inappropriate response to have and I'm sorry you ended up on the receiving end of it. Since phones are an anxiety provoker for you, would you be open to having one or two text-based hotlines available for those bad brain moments?

[Science_Geek]

Unfortunately, that is not as bad as what some therapists have said. I use to think I was the issue with not getting help but I think it may not be me after all

Text based or online chat would be great. I have done the LGBT+ switchboard online chat and that, as well as posting here has helped a lot.

I am worried that given my history of well, everything, I will be dismissed again or told feeling this way was just because of the abuse or one of the many other lines I have been told. With all of that I tend to with hold information from mental health professionals because I am done having others blame me for my life, as I already do that enough myself. I am scared I will with hold information from this LGBT+ lady this upcoming week.

Thank you all for understanding and helping.

[Sam W]

Yeah, I think the problem has a lot to do with the care providers you've been seeing. And it makes sense that this would make you wary of providing information. With the person you're seeing this upcoming week, I'd encourage you to be as forthcoming as possible and see what happens. If you act in good faith, you put it on her to be the one to demonstrate that she will take what you tell her seriously.

The LGBT switchboard is a good resource. This link has a selection of chats as well: http://www.healthfulchat.org/mental-hea ... rooms.html . Would you want a general support chat, or are you thinking something more specific to abuse survivors would be better?

[Science_Geek]

I think I will just give her the majority of my first post from here to read.

Thanks for the link. I have come across that but not sure I could do forums with other people (survivors etc) as I know I would use that to trigger myself and I would be worried about offending people with what I posted. (I worry to much, I know). Its been hard posting here, but I am trying to not worry about what others may think of my post. (Sorry if that sounds bad)

I guess if there is a one on one chat that would be ideal. I'm picky, I am sorry.

Thanks for all the help

[Sam W]

Sounds like a plan!

It's good that you know your own limits and tendencies around the type of help you engage with. I did find this LGBTQA specific chat that operates similarly to ours, meaning it is one on one and might work for your needs (although it does have limited hours): https://www.mindout.org.uk/our-services/mindout-online/ .

[Science_Geek]

Thank you so much for understanding and for this link. Hopefully I can give it a try. I am so nervous about Thursday. I don't know what to expect or what all I should even really tell her.

I don't want to overshare but I also don't want to withhold information. Is my first post on here ok, or is it too much/too little information?

Thanks

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I hope it ends up being a useful resource for you.

Looking at your first post on the boards, I'd say that's a good introduction to what you're dealing with to give to a care provider. Odds are she will ask for more details about certain things as the conversation goes on, but that's pretty standard no matter how detailed or how vague a client is when they explain their situation. I'll also say that, since this is your first meeting with her, she will likely say certain things or ask specific questions that are designed to prompt you to tell her different bits of the story of why you're there.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. So even though she is a health and wellbeing person for this organization and not a counsellor, I can expect that it will be like a first therapy session, in a sense?

Ok I won't change my first post then. Thanks.

[Sam W]

I would assume it would be fairly similar, since she'll still need to get information on why you're seeking help and some of the different factors influencing your situation, even if she's not a counselor.

[Science_Geek]

Ok. Thanks. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Just wanted to say the appointment went ok, but not much help. Back to square 1 I guess. Oh well.