sexuality stress

[Sam W]

Thanks for the update! I'm sorry to hear it wasn't as helpful as you'd hoped. Can I ask what made it feel like not much help?

[Science_Geek]

Hi. I gave her the first post I wrote on here, and she just said thanks and then said she would refer me to one of their sexuality affirming therapists (I believe that is what she called them). Which doesn't help because I cannot afford to go every week. Its a long train ride, which I cannot miss that much school, and it is expensive. I think suppressing it is going to have to happen. I guess. I don't know what else to do. I did try that online forum that was suggested but the person on the other end just dismissed what I was saying. I'm just frustrated and done trying to seek help about this or other health (mental and physical). I don't know what else to do. Maybe I just expected too much.

[Sam W]

I can see how that all would be exceedingly frustrating, and I'm sorry you're feeling so stuck. With the therapist she referred you to, would it be workable for you to try for once a month instead of once a week or arrange for skype/phone sessions (if the therapist offers those)? That could seriously cut down on your costs and how much transportation you had to do to get there.

[Science_Geek]

I thought about once a month, but I didnt think about skype! That would be great.

I told a friend last night about all of this, but haven't heard, which has made me kind of anxious.

I do have a therapy intake on Monday, but with all that has happened surrounding mental health care here, and the luck I have not had, I am not really hopeful.

I just want to be ok, want clarity, and I want these fascinations to stop.

Thanks for listening

[Karyn]

It's definitely worth asking about the possibility of skype or phone sessions: more and more therapists are offering that as an option because they realize that people's schedules can make it difficult to attend in person. Sometimes therapists offer sliding scales for payment as well, particularly for students, so you may want to ask about that too if cost is an issue.

Is there anything in particular you feel like you want support with around your intake appointment on Monday? It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and not very hopeful given your past experiences: continually reaching out for help only to not get anywhere can be stressful and draining, so if there's anything in particular you'd like from us that could help with that, just shout.

[Science_Geek]

Hi,
Thanks. I sent an email and sent along my first post here as well as the abuse. I'm afraid she will look at it and just deny me services straight off without meeting on Monday.

I have never spoken to a therapist about my sexuality and all of that (outside of being told being asexual was because of the abuse). I don't even really know how to talk about it. I have been in therapy off and on for a while now but this has something I never spoke about.

[Sam W]

Let's hope that she'll be understanding about your situation (for the record I'd be very, very, very surprised if she denied you the chance to meet with her at least once). Maybe now is a good time to do some self-care that's pleasant, since you've been doing a lot of self-care that's hard in the last few days (like reaching out for help from professionals). Do you have some fun or distracting things you can do for yourself today?

Would you like to use this space to brainstorm ideas about how to talk about sexuality with your therapist?

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. I will let you know how it goes.

Distracting, yes... I am journaling and watching some tv (Odd combo). I would also like to read more of one of the 2 books I have started. I cannot seem to bring myself to read the rest of the book that's is advertised on the front page here... maybe one day.

Yes, if we can that would be great, thanks.

[Sam W]

Sounds like a good self-care plan!

Okay, how would you feel about leading with some of what you've told us here? You could start by telling her that discussing your sexuality is really new to you and that you're a little unsure of how to do it. That could take the pressure off of you to feel like you have to be able to explain it perfectly right away, because you know that she knows that this is new to you. I think you're also within your rights to ask that she not speculate on how the abuse in your past somehow "caused" your sexuality (given that you've been referred to her by an LGBTQA resource I would really hope this would be a no-brainer for her, but it can't hurt to be explicit with that boundary).

[Science_Geek]

Thanks

Well when I sent through an email with the abuse details I sent her my first post from here. Its still really stressful. Even though I think I have figured out my sexual orientation as of now, I have yet to say it out loud. I cannot seem to bring myself to say it.

She is a different therapist (not the LGBT+ referred one). This is the one that I was originally denied after being on the wait list for 3 months...so not sure why they changed their minds now.

Too many things going on all at once... or so it feels that way.

[Sam W]

Ah, got it. When you try to say your orientation out loud, what feels like the primary thing that stops you?

[Science_Geek]

I think its the fact that it will be come more real...and I think I stop myself because I know I won't have any support from friends or family.

I also feel like as soon as I tell myself what I am, I start questioning myself again...almost like doubting myself.

[Karyn]

It can definitely be scary to have something like that feel totally real; like once it's out of your head and into the world somehow it's definitely true as opposed to possibly true and a thing you can't take back (particularly if you know you won't get any support around it from the folks in your life). Some people find that writing something down - in pencil, if that makes it feel less permanent! - can be a sort of intermediate step, like in a journal or other private place where it's just you looking at it. Maybe that's something you could try?

[Science_Geek]

Yes. That's it.

I did write it down, and even though no one lives with me I am still afraid they will find the journals and read them. Irrational I guess. But I became more worried that someone would read once my 'dad' (who also abused me) say and assumed I was writing about him.

But yes, I have it written down. I felt good about it too, but then those fascinations started again and I just got more frustrated.

Thanks for the response.

[Sam W]

I would keep up with the writing stuff down, even if the fascinations are coming back. Writing things down may not make them go away entirely, but it sounds like it is helping to some degree, which is a sign you should keep doing it.

Are there other things we can offer you support around right now?

[Science_Geek]

Thanks.

I don't know. I think my friend that I came out to dismissed it and just wrote it down to the abuse. I think I need to supress it and def. not tell anyone else.

Sorry for contacting so much.

[Sam W]

It may help to think of you identity as something to share sparingly for now, not as something you have to repress. You've had a few people dismiss it, but there are plenty of other people (like us here at Scarleteen) who you will meet who will take you at your word. So you can think of your identity as something to be gentle with when you share it, rather than something you have to bury.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. Supressing it just seems better. I feel bad for coming here so often, so supressing it will eliminate that. I don't know. I'm sorry

[Sam W]

You don't need to apologize for seeking support or advice. What if you tried using either this space or another journaling app or website as a place to vent and process your feelings? That would cut down on the fear of it being found, and give you a stop-gap while you seek other forms of help. If you decide to do the venting here, maybe just leave a note at the top of the post saying something like, "venting, no need for response" so we know when you're looking for advice and when you just need to write.

[Science_Geek]

Oh I don't know.

Thanks for the advice

[Science_Geek]

Just letting you know, I found out today I was denied services through the LGBT+ organization.

All this worrying and stress for basically nothing.

Thanks for all the help here.

[Redskies]

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I hope you know that their decision isn't a referendum on your orientation, and certainly not on the reality or legitimacy of your orientation. Nor is it a comment on how deserving you are of help.

I personally sympathise with finding it difficult to get appropriate help, and how much of a bad rollercoaster and how utterly crap it can feel. It's clear to me how hard you're trying. I also believe that you're in a particularly difficult geographic area, like you said a while back. I wish the world and your area was serving you a damn site better, quite frankly.

If you feel up to talking/thinking about it: are there still any options in process for you to find a therapist? I know you said a few posts back there was a different route that you'd previously tried which had been a no, but then was maybe back on the table again. Is that still a possibility, and one that you think would be helpful and respectful of your identity?

Would you like us to make some enquiries about finding you possibilities for an appropriate and helpful therapist? There are a small number of contacts we can try, people within mental health professional circles who are very identity-informed and identity-supportive, who may be able to make suggestions of therapists who could fit your needs. Probably obviously, there are no guarantees. But if that's something you'd like, we're very happy to pursue it. If so, it'd likely be helpful to have a couple more pieces of information:
- your town/city, or your nearest town/city, and how accessible (or not) it is to you. If you're not comfortable giving that on the public boards, you can also email that information privately to us using the http://www.scarleteen.com/contact form
- I know you said you're not able to pay for therapy. Totally fair enough! I just want to check whether you absolutely can't afford anything, or whether you might be able to afford a very reduced rate. Is there any weekly amount that you could afford?

I hear you a few times feeling bad about using our services and apologising to us. I understand that those are feelings that your brain is struggling with - so I'm not suggesting that you should try to feel differently, because that's a bit silly, because that's not quite how feelings work. But I do want you to know that you don't need to be sorry on our account. We're here to provide what help and support we can; issues around identity and issues around abuse are very much within our scope and what we exist to do.

Too, if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed or like this conversation is too much right now, it's absolutely okay to take a break. We want you to be able to do whatever you feel is best and healthiest for you, whether that's taking some space or continuing talking with us.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks.
I often feel like, I am not deserving of getting help. That feeling didn't start till I moved here and had so many issues trying to find support. I really wish I didn't go to that LGBT+ organization meeting and I wish I didn't share parts of my first post from here with them.

I did start with a new therapist on Monday. She is nice and seems understanding, but she kept telling me I have a lot to work on... I am also just waiting for her to turn out like all the other ones I have tried here. I did give her my first post from here before hand and it kind of sounds like she indicated that my abuse history has led me to question my sexual orientation.

I will send an email to the address you provided about where I live. Thanks

I have a bad habit of apologizing. A very bad habit.

I just feel bad always coming here...

I think continuing to talk would help a lot.

[Alice O]

Hey Science_Geek,

I want to re-iterate want Redskies said. I too wish that the world, and your area in particular, were serving you better. You are really putting yourself out there in working tirelessly to get the care you need, and the responses you have gotten have been more than disappointing

I am happy to hear that you did end up having an appointment with a therapist! Huge props to you for getting out there even after the bad news from the LGBT+ organization. What did you like about this therapist? It sounds like one thing you didn't like was that it "kind of sounds like she indicated that my abuse history has led me to question my sexual orientation." I'm sorry to hear that Can you expand on what she said or did to make you wonder if she was implying that?

Regarding other potential therapy referrals in your area, another Scarleteen staff member will follow up with you in response to your email!

Finally, you said that you wish you hadn't shared parts of your first Scarleteen post with the people at the LGBT+ organization. That makes total sense. It sucks to share something vulnerable with someone and have them respond poorly. For what it's worth, I think your first post here was brave & honest & informative. Anyone would be lucky to have the privilege to read it and get a peek inside your experience, and if they can't respond with compassion and care then goooooodbye. (But again, I know that's easier said than done!)

[Science_Geek]

Hello,
Thanks for the response and the kind words

I liked how she said she wouldn't push me and seemed to understand what I have been through (I sent the written part of my abuse before hand). She didn't seem judgmental and was nice. But again, I am not really having much hope. I was with the last therapist for 4 sessions and then she told me she would not help me speak about the abuse (Even though it was a therapy center for sexual assault survivors).

She just said that being abused like I have, people usually are one extreme or another: obsessed with sex or completely avoids it. And how being what I went through it sounds like I am on the avoiding end of the spectrum and how it has led to questioning my orientation. (If any of that is offensive or wrong, I apologize, I am just taking what she said and putting it here).

I really wish this was not because of the abuse. I wanted one thing in my life not to be affected by the abuse, but I think some of it is.

Thanks so much. It was actually really hard to post what I did on that first post. But at least its anonymous.