How would one overcome anxiety? Crushing anxiety !

[JamesMatt]

*This definitely isn't an ask as to if my girl is pregnant or not.
*The issue is my anxiety killing me. I know that my girl is fine. (OR is she ? Damn you anxiety)

WHAT BASICALLY HAPPENED :
I fingered her with possible pre-cum and dry humped her. My anxiety says my penis even though not out of my pant was a little out of my underwear and escaped my fine material boxer shorts and mixed with her wetness on her underwear and found her way in when I later fingered her upto her cervix.Or I fingered her with possible precum all the way to her cervix on her ovulation day. Done that 3 times.Once she did it herself. NO EJACULATION AT ALL. NOT EVEN TOUCHING GENITALIA DIRECTLY. IT WAS HER OVULATION DAY HOWEVER. NO PROTECTION(anything at all). NO INSERTION. So as per Scarleteen's website, my risk isn't real. But anxiety is cruel !

WHAT MY ANXIETY DID :
The above sexual activity was on 24th Aug. Previous period on 8th Aug. She told me she would get her period on 8th/9th Sept. And she did. It went on for 5 days and I was so calm then. She said she had a increased flow on the third day and she also had clots ( Thick stuff coming out ). She even had the PMS feeling before she got it. I was pretty chill until my ANXIETY attacked me. A week or something after that glorious period, she said that when she got back from vacation she had body ache lasting for 3 days.SIGN. Then after some days her breasts felt fuller and heavier.SIGN. Then she tells me that whenever she sat in a car or bus, she felt dizzy and nauseous. Of course my anxiety kicked it. I HYPERVENTILATED SO HARD, and did the worst thing ever. I googled. On came the heavy examples of how decidual mimics periods and implantation bleeding (ruled this out cause of the 5 DAY period) exists. and most scary, how PREGNANT WOMEN are more susceptible to motion sickness. Of course my girl said that she stopped feeling like vomiting after getting out of the bus. Iv'e asked the same question on reddit and they said I am being overly paranoid. But this ANXIETY. THIS SCARED FEELING, where a small part of me says after reading everything on SCARLETEEN that it is not possible to get pregnant this way. MY ANXIETY PUSHES MY HEARTBEAT SAYING I AM that one in a million who will get his girl pregnant by indirect precum insertion,even if I urinated multiple times before my last ejaculation(EVEN SHOWERED). (Somewhere my scared mind read that scientists conducted a study where out of 40 men 16 had motile sperm present and that was from birth however majority studies say it doesn't or it is the leftover sperm)(SO I FELT MY PRECUM HAD SPERM SINCE BIRTH)(HOWEVER MY SANE MIND SAID, my case didn't have direct insertion)

HOW I FEEL I AM GOING to DIE :
This isn't something I should've done. I wasn't ready even if my lust overtook my brain. I was cautious but anxiety is winning the war right now. I haven't told anyone about it cause they would judge but my girl is super chill about it(she doesn't know what implantation or decidual bleeding is) She felt everything was normal. My parents, relatives and neighbours would kill me not litreally but by words. This isn't a society where this kind of thing is accepted. All that said I would never abort. But that is a collective decision between me and my partner that might 99% not occur. Could someone direct me as to what I should do ? This feeling this fear.... I know damn well I'm not ever doing this until marriage. But my anxiety says I won't even reach there cuz of this panic right now.

Btw bless you guys for doing so much. The founder, Heather Maam as well. Thank you maam.

[JamesMatt]

I just checked your policy on replying to anxiety however you'll have also stated on the same page,
" http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=3875 "
this, We CAN and WILL talk about things like:
• help with anxiety like locating mental health services, sound self-help or asking for support from friends or family.

It would be really helpful if you guys give your reply rather than just a link.
Sorry to be such a bother. I'm just a stupid 21 year old paranoid guy.

Also, my girl kinda said that she didn't get cramps that hard this time.Maybe it is a cause for worry, but her period did last 5 days... I typed that cause it feels so good to get these bundled up feelings out of me.
Anyhoo, I'll wait patiently

[Heather]

Well, the kind of help we can offer in these cases with anxiety are things like how to do some DIY management of your anxiety, or where to find mental healthcare to help with it.

Okay?

If so, it would be helpful to me to know your bigger history with experiences of anxiety. Have you had anxiety before? If so, how have you managed it so far? What kind of help - including self-help - have you tried for it?

[JamesMatt]

I have been paranoid before if that is what you ask me maam, but this is really the hardest.... The times before, my anxiety has been shutdown by actually doing the thing that scares me, or doubts me.

Here is a pregnancy scare that I hope to God doesn't be true. This is the first time I have hyperventilated and felt an extreme lack of sleep.
My brain says, she got her period. It was precum fingerin with no direct penis vagina contact. ITS OVER
My anxiety says .. She is getting signs of pregnancy so she might've had decidual bleeding.

Thoughts first fill my brain, parents disowning me. Shamed in public. etc etc really scary.
I have never had them before

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like you've had anxiety before, but that at least some of what you're feeling is tied specifically to sex and pregnancy. Do I have that right? It sounds like you know that the way to avoid this kind of anxiety in the future is to refrain from any sexual activity that you don't feel ready for. Right now you could try doing some self-care to help distract yourself or maybe break the anxiety loop your brain is stuck in: Self-Care a La Carte . Self-care can't substitute for for mental healthcare, but it can help you manage your anxiety when you're on your own. If it would be helpful, we can give you resources for talking with your girlfriend about what activities you're each comfortable with and how to not cross your comfort zone when you get really aroused.

Back to your anxiety, is seeking out a mental healthcare provider something you'd want to do?

[JamesMatt]

The only thing right now I need is peace of mind. Peace telling me that she couldn't be pregnant. I can't make her take a test cuz she is out and won't be back for a few days. Planned parenthood online chat said everything in general form. No specific. I am going to cry which has not happened in years. My life is on the edge and every real relation I have has a chance of being crumbled. Could you direct me as to how I can stay calm ? Or if I am overthinking? I don't have any help from anyone else...

[Sam W]

I'd suggest doing some self-care to help yourself calm down right now. Sometimes if you interrupt the anxiety loop going on in your mind you can decrease the amount of worry you feel. It'll be up to you to try different things to figure out what kind of self-care works best for you. You can also walk through this article: The Pregnancy Panic Companion

Can I ask if she's worried about this at all?

[JamesMatt]

I went through every guide on your site. It says what I did didn't prove a pregnancy risk. But my anxiety is noting every single detail my girl is doing. Trying to convert them into signs. I never ejaculated or even touched her vagina with my penis. Why is my mind twisting things to the point I can't breathe? I even went through your past boards where you helpful people before determined if there was a risk yourself. I don't mind the policy change now. It's not anyone's fault. My girl has been acting so normal. She feels she got her period for 5 days and all is well. She doesn't know about decidual bleeding or implantation bleeding or the sperm content in precum. I don't want to tell her cause her worrying might delay her period. I managed the first time with alot of difficulty before she got her period after our incident. This would be my second waiting of her period but it isn't due till Oct 11th. I can't be in this state till then !

[Sam W]

So, one thing to do is to take your cue from her. She's not worried, it's her body, and she'd know when to be concerned about her cycle (which she clearly isn't).

As you've said you've read all of our pieces, I assume you've read this: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are? . That's the place to start answering your question about why your brain is reacting the way it is. Are there parts of that article that feel particularly relevant to you? Because at a certain point all we can do for you is give you tools to help you figure out where that fear is coming from and some basics for managing it. If it's really hard to shake your anxiety, then that's the time where you'll need to talk with a counselor or therapist.

[JamesMatt]

Maam I love her. She is important to me. I felt she isn't concerned as she doesn't know more than me. I have read that piece as well. Are you allowed to tell me if there is even a remote chance that I'm being paranoid and she won't be pregnant ? The period confirms it. But I haven't done a test yet. And i fear it'll be postive and she will faint in front of me. This is the first time I've done something like this and maybe that is why I'm freaking. I know how you say use protection next time but what if there never will come a next time? Can I draw a conclusion from your old board answers ? Is that possible or is the info outdated ? You are really helpful till now I've calmed a little but I know this is temporary

[Sam W]

You've read the pregnancy scare policy and all of the information on the site. So I am not going to reiterate that for you, as doing so is not ultimately that helpful for your anxiety. If you keep steering the conversation in that direction, I will need to lock this thread.

Again, even if your partner hasn't read everything you have, you can assume that if something were up with her body or her cycle, she'd be able to spot it and evaluate it better than you would. At this point, the best thing I can recommend is that you take a break from thinking and reading about pregnancy and do some self-care.

[Heather]

Just to be clear, you already know that logical information about the facts isn't helping. Even if someone were to give you endless reassurance, it wouldn't get rid of your anxiety. In fact, the opposite usually happens, which is one big reason we won't do it (and we just will not, so please don't push): it just keeps you in it.

You sound like you are not helping yourself out here by staying so focused on this (continuing to look things up about pregnancy, etc.).

Why don't you start with just some small limits on this? One tactic for something like this can be to set a timer for yourself for something like 20 minutes to "let" yourself do nothing but worry about this. Once time is up, no more for that day, which will probably mean, for you, keeping yourself from search engines, us or Planned Parenthood, maybe even going offline altogether if you can't seem to stop yourself.

[JamesMatt]

Thank you for that article about why my mind might think she could be pregnant. It helped alot. I woke up at 3 AM today breathing super hard. Came straight to this post. Saw the article. Read it alot. Could relate so much !! It was calming to an extent. I returned to normal. I want to make her take her test so bad. Only her getting a period was enough before but now it doesn't help. It has been a month since the incident, if I make her take a test at 10/11 Am in the morning, It will be accurate enough right ? Should she take 2 at the same time ? Thank you guys for your help. If I get a negative result and she isn't pregnant, then I am definitely going to a therapist. My mom over worries a lot too. Sometimes I wonder when they say when your close to ejaculation you secrete some sperm that mixes with your precum. If that happened to me... Anyway it wasn't direct insertion still. I am trusting one of my close friends and telling him. Hopefully that stops the random panic attacks, I also got one single panic attack 2 months back when I was in chruch and realised I am going to cease to exist, but then knowing God almighty I am sure nothing will happen.

[Heather]

What you have just done here is an example of still staying focused on what is creating anxiety for you rather than trying our advice in stepping away from it.

Again, we're not going to enable anyone in ways of approaching this we know both do not work to help people in this space (and boy do we know, we tried pretty much every approach one can to this stuff for many years) or for us as an organization. So, we will not answer the kinds of questions you are asking again, and I'm going to, for the last time, ask you stop asking them.

But what I would also suggest -- way more for your sake than ours -- is that you get away from sites like ours or Planned Parenthood for, let's say, one week. I would also suggest you stop doing ANY searching, online, in books or otherwise, for ANY information related to conception or pregnancy for that week. Stop talking to your girlfriend or friends about this. DO OTHER THINGS. Maybe see if you can't find some things you know you can get really easily immersed in for times when you struggle, like a great book or a video game: whatever you know can do a good job of commanding your attention.

Lastly, I can't be strong enough in stating that "making" your partner take a pregnancy test is really not only in my book. Trying to make someone do something that's about their body (and only theirs) because you feel uncomfortable about something you did with yours just isn't healthy boundaries and isn't respectful of someone's bodily autonomy, in my book. Besides the fact that chances are good your anxious mind would find a way to feel the test results were invalid, the larger issue is that it's on you to learn to manage your anxiety, with things you do for yourself and/or with the help of people whose job it is to help with anxiety.

[JamesMatt]

I feel so calm right now. She took the test, she was hesitant but when I told her how bad i was, she accepted. And it was negative! Heather Maam you were so right, my anxiety tried acting wierd, like why didnt i take a early morning sample, or similar things. but I've shut it down. Enough is enough I'm not letting this worry overtake my mind ! I have a lot of good things in my life and anxiety will NOT RUIN IT. I am going to see a therapist. And I would whole heartedly thank you and your team. You guys actually change the world! Last but not the least I'm sorry for pushing on your policy rules, also I will respect my girlfriend's boundaries...I really respect her alot too!

[Heather]

Maybe apologize to her, then, and let her know you won't put her in this position again? Truly, I think it's warranted. Being pushed like that really stinks.

Do you need help finding a therapist, or do you have this?

[JamesMatt]

I apologized to her already. I'll just let her know I'll never put her in the same position Also Yes, My mother has a friend who has a degree in psychology and counsels children. I hope she isn't allowed to tell my Mom about these things due to her ethics...

[Heather]

Since you're not a child, a child psychologist is not going to be a good fit for you regardless (child and adult psychology are very different practices), but you also will likely want someone where you don't have to even have that concern about being a parent's friend.

That given, I would suggest you simply ask your mother's friend to refer you to a therapist for adults, and someone who specifically works with adults with anxiety issues.

[JamesMatt]

Absolutely! Thank you for the help! I am grateful!

[Heather]

You're welcome. Good luck!

[JamesMatt]

Hie again I'm so sorry to bother you guys but recently I posted this '' http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=6513 '' and the thread is locked, but I was wondering, if I am going mad ? I have never had this my entire life ! I don't like this constant doubt in my head, my question is, Am I going insane ? Like will I never be normal again ? Please note, I have done all you guys told me to, like stop researching this topic and seek help, ( I am doing that now) but here's the thing.. Have you guys ever met people who recover from these type of scares or is it now a lifetime thing? Is this real ?

[Sam W]

People can and do recover from scares like this, although if the scare is tied to a deeper issue like and anxiety disorder then they may be managing that disorder for a long time (but that's something many, many people do while having full and happy lives). Hopefully meeting with a therapist will help you start recovering from this scare and give you tools to manage any future scares.