18 & confused!

[ldhs1276]

Hi I really need some advice, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a quite a while now and just recently he’s been dropping hints about wanting to have a baby with me. I’m turning 19 in a few days and he is 23. I love him to pieces and of course i love the idea of having a child with him. But the last couple of days he’s been asking to whether I want to take my impant out and start a family with him. Of course I would love to I’m just worried I’m too young and will be missing on the stuff I won’t be able to do when I have a child. He’s already talking about buying a new house and getting a mortgage and getting money together and it all seems so real now. I’m so happy that he wants it I’m just worried I could be rushing but I would love a baby and I just don’t know what to do. I know he will be crushed if I tell him we have to wait but then I don’t really know if I want to wait. Could you please just give me some advice on what to do?

[Sam W]

Hi Idhs,

The instinct you have that this is rushing is spot-on, and I encourage you to listen to it. When a partner starts putting a lot of pressure on you to do major life changes, especially major life changes that tie you specifically to them, that's often a red flag. You mention that he would be crushed if you told him you wanted to wait. That's also worrying to me, because it signals that he wants to make all these bigger changes on his timeline, not on yours. It also a little bit signals that he would use his disappointment to pressure you into making a really, really big life choice without taking the time you need to consider the impacts of that choice. Does that make sense?

I'd also encourage you to think about what you want for you life independently of what he wants and your relationship with him. Do you want to go to higher level of school? Have a job? Travel? Be a little further along in your life before becoming a parent? How would starting a family at 19 affect all of those different desires? Can I also ask how old you were when you two started dating?

[ldhs1276]

I just think I’m really young and obviously the idea of being with him is amazing but I’m just not sure It’s the right time and I’m worried about what my parents will say. My dream is to be a nurse and I just started my training I know I would have to take time out and I wouldn’t mind doing that I just don’t know how to tell him that it’s a massive decision and I need time. I met him just after my 18th birthday nearly a year ago

[Mo]

I think saying something like just what you said here - "this is a massive decision to make and I need more time to consider it" - is a great way to start that conversation. You've just started training for a career you are really excited about, and you haven't been with your boyfriend for that long, all things considered; I think it's a good idea to listen to the instinct you're having that now isn't quite the right time for a pregnancy.

If your boyfriend gets really upset, you could remind him that saying "I am not at a point in my life where I want to become pregnant" isn't a rejection of him, or even of the idea of parenting with him in the future. Also, it's really not ok for him to pressure you to become pregnant, especially since he wouldn't be the one taking the health risks and dealing with the physical and emotional changes and challenges that come with pregnancy. Parenthood takes effort from all parties, and I'm not diminishing the work that parents who don't become pregnant/give birth do, but it is something that would impact you far more than it would him, and that's something he should be able to acknowledge and understand.

[Heather]

I want to just back up something already said because it's a pretty big deal:

He’s already talking about buying a new house and getting a mortgage and getting money together and it all seems so real now. I’m so happy that he wants it I’m just worried I could be rushing but I would love a baby and I just don’t know what to do.

This certainly sounds like a pressure-filled push to me. Especially given your age, his, and the fact that a year isn't very long to be with someone to be planning something as big and the-rest-of-your-life as creating pregnancy and parenting.

If and when we really want to only move forward with something with someone else if and when they, too, want that thing, we don't start talking about all the steps we're going to be taking. That's pressure. That can even become coercion. That is NOT the way to make a family with someone where it's a given everyone involved wants to freely do that. I can see why you're feeling how you are, why you seem to be feeling pressure: I think that's because he's exerting it.

This is your life. In the event you letting him know that you are not ready for this, and that you have other goals you are working on and want to complete first -- let alone that 18 is awfully young to become pregnant, go through a pregnancy, and start parenting -- hurts his feelings, his life will likely not be very impacted. At most, he might have an extended moment -- an evening, maybe even a few days -- of just being bummed. If he's not such a great dude and this is about control, he might be more hurt than that and even angry, but trying to avoid that isn't the way to go because if he's the kind of person who wants to control you and push you into family, that's something you want to find out so you can get gone before things get even worse, you know?

But again, this is your life (especially since culturally and legally, mothers do bear greater burdens and greater responsibilities; his freedoms won't be impacted in at all the same ways, or to the same degree, yours would be). His hurt feelings vs. your potentially derailing your own goals and dreams, or starting on a part of life earlier than you want or are ready for just can't complete. Your whole life should win, hands down, and I'd encourage you to stand up for it. If he's someone who does love you, and for who you are and want to be, not just what he wants, he'll encourage that, too, even if it means he doesn't get what he wants for himself from you as soon as he wants it.