My bf is queer & I am straight-

[newtolife]

Hi,
I am new to this site.My bf & I have been together about 2.5 years.He told me early in our dating that he was queer.
I am divorced, & I really love him.He tells me he loves me too.We have been living together for over 2 years..
The thing is, he has a lot of gay male friends.He has a lot more sexual experience than I have.He is divorced.
I love him so much. Am I setting myself up to be hurt?
So in love.

[Heather]

Just as a reminder, Scarleteen is intended for those in their teens and twenties, so know that if and when you use our services, those over those ages will simply get answered last.

You're not setting yourself up for hurt just because you are dating someone who identifies as queer. In what way are you concerned you'd be hurt because of this?

If it's about someone having sexual desires beyond you, as one person, know that people will often have sexual desire for, or sexual attraction to, more than one person no matter what their orientation is. Not a one of us will ever tend to be the all-there-is of anyone's sexual imagination or desires. We might, in monogamous arrangements, be the only person someone is choosing to be with in that way, but that's not usually because we're the only person they have those feelings about. And queer people aren't any more inclined to go outside exclusivity agreements than straight people are.

Him having more sexual experience than you do, or having lots of gay friends also doesn't strike me as cause for any kind of concern, but since you listed them, I assume they are causes of concern for you: can you tell me why those things worry you?

Also, have you discussed any of the concerns you have with your boyfriend? If so, have have those conversations gone? If not, why not?

[newtolife]

Thank you for the clarification about what age group this site is aimed at.
Yes, we have talked about this. He knows my fear is that he will meet someone else & leave me. He has similar concerns about me.
It is not easy for someone my age to navigate the dating "waters". A lot of things have changed.
I am not a part of my bf's life where his gay friends are concerned. I have not met them, & if I do, I won't be introduced as his gf. And yes, we have talked about this.
Thank you for answer my questions.
So in love

[Mo]

I think it's good to remember that people who are bisexual/queer/otherwise interested in people of multiple genders aren't more likely to leave a partner for someone else than strictly straight or gay people are. It is a common fear I hear about, but it's not something that we see reflected in reality. Since it sounds like you both have some worries about the other leaving the relationship for someone else, maybe there's a larger conversation to be had about how you both feel about the relationship as it is right now. Do you think it would help to have a general check-in about how you're relationship's going, what is working and not working for each of you, etc? Maybe you both can do a bit more ongoing reassurance about how you're enjoying the relationship, to help you both feel a bit more secure.

Can I ask about how the conversation has gone, when your boyfriend said he wouldn't introduce you as his girlfriend to his gay friends? Did he explain why that is?

[newtolife]

We have talked about what we mean to each other, & reassured each other.
About your last question, he said that it would complicate things with his position in the gay community.

[Alice O]

Hey M0MMYX3,

Glad to hear you and your boyfriend were able to communicate with each other!

When your boyfriend said that introducing you as his girlfriend would complicate things with his position in the gay community, how did you feel? What, if anything, did you say in response to that?

[Heather]

Having a serious partner keep you hidden from their friends is certainly something problematic. I would also suggest it's something you consider drawing a hard line with: that you ask for that to end very soon. That sounds like something that probably feels pretty awful for you (especially at your age: seems to me that at a certain age, women should at least not have to be anyone's dirty secret anymore, for crying out loud).

Is the situation that he is being dishonest with his friends about dating women? If so, why? Can I also ask, just to try and better understand the dynamics here, why that's been something you have accepted for so long?

[newtolife]

Is there another way to communicate with you all? If you sent me messages to my inbox, perhaps, maybe I could answer your questions more privately.
Thanks!

[Heather]

We don't work via email or PMs. Here are the ways we can work with you and other users: http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now ... t_services

Chat is really the only other choice here for a conversation of this depth, but we really need to reserve that time for young people since it is so limited.

If being anonymous in the board space doesn't feel private enough for you, it may be that an in-person therapist or counselor, alone or as a couple, is the best way to go here.

[newtolife]

Ok thank you. I really appreciate all of your feedback.